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Hey everyone, so the calls started again tnite - this time they weren't as bad because from the beginning I said I didn't want to get into an argument because I knew he had been drinking. He didn't even try to defend himself and let me get off the phone without a hassel. I have been very good about setting boundaries and letting him know where I stand, but he leaves in a few days for a training program and he'll be gone for two months. I think Im just done trying. I love him to death, but I have been hurt so many times and my heart isn't in it anymore. Im confused because I don't understand how I can still love him but not want to be with him. I don't know how to end things because he doesn't let it happen. As strange as that sounds. I say things like, "this isn't working" or "what are we even doing" and he doesn't care. It feels like he just wants control over me and I am too broken to keep trying. Any thoughts would help me a lot
Don't React. Keep it simple to the point and brief. I tend to ramble and well I have said things I meant at the time, but later obsessed about and wished I hadn't. When I am feeling the pressure of change I make myself work 1-3 and hit acceptance so I can stop spinning as soon as possible, because I know my triggers. I am sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
You already have rock star ESH in both of these posts, .. I just wanted to send love and support. I know for me in this regard it's hard to accept that what I want and what my dreams are, they just aren't the reality of what is. I can look back at the past 90 days and this is before everything kind of blew up .. well .. guess what .. there is no way I'm going back to that person I was and how hard I have worked to get past that person that I was. Well, .. if nothing changes, .. nothing changes .. in my case .. nothing has changed on the other side of the street. I'm not trying to take inventory of someone else .. I just think it's important to take a look at what you want, what you think you deserve, what you might be afraid of, what you gain from continuing this relationship that very honestly it sounds like you are not happy in.
For me if I can look at those things without being emotionally invested I kind of go .. WOW .. I have a LOT to think about and yes while it hurts like hell because that kind of emotional detachment doesn't last forever .. what is in my best interest is to drop the rope and allow my A the dignity to make his own choices and changes which who knows where I will be in my own healing if and when he ever catches up.
The longest distance is from the head to the heart it takes a time and work to get those lined up and then you know without a doubt you are on the road to recovery. Keep coming back, keep the focus on you and just remember you are very worth it.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I loved my Ex-A at the end too, but our relationship was a toxic trainwreck headed to nowhere. I didn't even realize how bad it was at the time, but I did realize it was bad enough. Not encouraging you to leave, but not encouraging you to resign yourself to unhappiness either. Change is difficult, but necessary.
I think that a two month break will help you find clarity. Especially if you continue to maintain your boundaries and don't let him hassle you on phone calls.
Good luck!
Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
Breakingfree said something very important about 'acceptance'. This is something I am struggling with so much today so I thank you for your post. I hope that today is a beautiful day for you!
Sending much love and support. I can totally relate to your position. My AH also never cared what I said. I used to say things like you did all the time, like "this isn't working" and that was a complete waste of my breath. I have heard that is part of the disease, they really don't listen to us but they do take note of actions and our changed attitudes rather than what we say. So all the endless conversations I had with him were a waste of my time. For him they were great because I was spending my energy talking to him, wasting my own energy but in the end taking no action and not changing any of the dynamic of the family disease.
In my situation, I could not leave in the state I was in - at a complete emotional bottom. So my action was to dive into Al-Anon meetings/program/sponsor headfirst and that is helping me tremendously. Reading the book "Getting Them Sober" that is mentioned on this board a lot helped open my eyes to how to handle all the sticky situations. Keep the focus on you and don't despair - I felt trapped just like you because anytime I tried to actually leave it just didn't work and my AH was still there and I was still hooked. With your own recovery program you can feel better in time than you can even imagine.
