I need help getting back my life...How to live with a dry angry drunk??? - Al-Anon Family Group

Hope999 · Member

I need help getting back my life...How to live with a dry angry drunk???

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome !

I could have written your post...we on the boards call that "crazytown"..not a fun place to live....

you are in the right place to find your way out of crazytown...read the old posts..keep posting...and try to find an alanon meeting in your area.

you will find lots of good folks in this community...who get it..

keep coming back...

stephaniej · Senior Member

Welcome, Hope! I can relate to a lot of what you are going through, and I can say without a doubt that Al Anon has brought so much more serenity, peace, and emotional health to my life. I definitely hope you stick around and check out some face-to-face meetings. I'll also recommend the book Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews. The moment I opened that book I felt an immediate sense of "I am not alone, I am not crazy, and I do not deserve to be abused." For me, all these things helped me to obsess less about my alcoholic husband (AH), and focus more on myself, my children, and our emotional well-being.

We have discussed the ins and outs of drinking in front of an alcoholic spouse/having alcohol in the home on numerous occasions, and we fall all across the spectrum in terms of opinions about the issue; if you are interested in reading more, you can search the archives. For me it was an easy choice to stop drinking altogether and not have alcohol in the house. My husband is still an active alcoholic, though, and the reasons for my choice have a lot to do with having small children at home and always wanting there to be an unimpaired adult around.

Sending you support and I hope you'll come back.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow, I was just going to come on and post something about how my AH (newly sober) is back to his old judgements and condescending attitudes(he quit because of a DUI and is NOT working any type of recovery program). I almost could have written your post, very similar story. My AH is much better now that he's on antidepressants. The angry outbursts don't exist anymore. He does not slam things anymore and is much calmer in general. Unfortunately, the antidepressants made his alcohol cravings go crazy. He had already been self-medicating with alcohol last year but he started Paxil in August. He said that once he started drinking, the Paxil made him unable to stop. So, he got a DUI last month and is now dry AGAIN(he was dry for the first 15 years of our marriage but started about 2 years ago drinking on the sly to quell his anxiety and depression).

The funny thing is: my AH is a great dad. He and our son(13) were having quite a few laughs this AM and they get along so well. I keep telling myself that I stay for a few reasons: 1. I still love him. 2. My son has a great relationship with him and they get along just fine. 3. I have hope that God/higher power can work in him and create a new being and a new attitude in all of us.

I, too, used to walk on egg shells. I don't do that anymore. The antidepressants helped with that to some degree but some of it had to come from me. One thing I realized after being in Al Anon for a few months is that I didn't trust myself. I didn't trust myself enough to stand up to him, to leave the room when the ranting started, to tell him that I don't need to let his junk between my ears anymore, etc. I finally trust myself to stand up for myself and to stop being a doormat. Al Anon has definitely given me more peace.

There are days that I wonder if I will be married to him in 5 years or 10 years. But, then I remind myself that I only need to take it one day at a time(ODAAT). For today, I choose to be married. For just this moment, I choose to be a kind wife and I choose to be engaged in my marriage and to give it 100%. I choose to keep my side of the street clean and stop focusing on him and what he's saying or doing. It's all about choices and being willing to make some changes in yourself so that you can find some peace and serenity.

As for the driving, I get carsick and have to always be the driver. That solves that problem when we go anywhere together. Yet, he is a terrible backseat driver and I almost left him on the side of the road the other day because he wouldn't stop telling me how to drive. It's much easier to walk away when I'm at home but when we're out and about or in the car, it's nearly impossible without getting into a HUGE fight.

There is a book that I read about "Walking on Eggshells" that I read last year that is quite helpful and any book on boundaries would help you, too. As for working on yourself, I would suggest the book, "Getting them Sober" series by Toby Rice Drews and any of the Al Anon daily readers. Last but not least, I'd suggest finding an Al Anon meeting in your area. You don't have to be living with a current drinker to attend. If your life is/was affected by someone else's drinking problem, then that's the place to be!

Welcome to the message boards and I hope that find some peace in knowing that you are not alone.

Jill · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Hope

Al-Anon meetings have been my way out of what you describe. They provided me with understanding, support and safety. Somewhere along the lines, I realized when he was drinking nothing I said or did made a difference, so why would my behavior or words affect his behavior now that he isn't drinking? I am (for the most part) living my true life. His "misbehavior" isn't any more or less than when I got off the eggshells. Working the steps of Al-Anon slowly gave me a new understanding of myself and what I innately deserve. It was I who was cutting myself short in hopes of manipulating his behavior - ugh.
The support and understanding I experienced at meetings provided me with the light to crawl out of the tunnel.
In support - Jill

Hope999 · Member

Thank you Jill. I am just trying to live my true life too but I find that he rains on my parade. No matter how much I do for myself, I recently completed my MBA and I go to the gym and work out every day, I can't help but see how much closer I could be to my true life if I had someone out there trying to understand me. His alcoholism requires 100% of my understanding him. How about understanding me? thanks, Hope

Hope999 · Member

ilovedogs wrote:
Wow, I was just going to come on and post something about how my AH (newly sober) is back to his old judgements and condescending attitudes(he quit because of a DUI and is NOT working any type of recovery program). I almost could have written your post, very similar story. My AH is much better now that he's on antidepressants. The angry outbursts don't exist anymore. He does not slam things anymore and is much calmer in general. Unfortunately, the antidepressants made his alcohol cravings go crazy. He had already been self-medicating with alcohol last year but he started Paxil in August. He said that once he started drinking, the Paxil made him unable to stop. So, he got a DUI last month and is now dry AGAIN(he was dry for the first 15 years of our marriage but started about 2 years ago drinking on the sly to quell his anxiety and depression).

The funny thing is: my AH is a great dad. He and our son(13) were having quite a few laughs this AM and they get along so well. I keep telling myself that I stay for a few reasons: 1. I still love him. 2. My son has a great relationship with him and they get along just fine. 3. I have hope that God/higher power can work in him and create a new being and a new attitude in all of us.

I, too, used to walk on egg shells. I don't do that anymore. The antidepressants helped with that to some degree but some of it had to come from me. One thing I realized after being in Al Anon for a few months is that I didn't trust myself. I didn't trust myself enough to stand up to him, to leave the room when the ranting started, to tell him that I don't need to let his junk between my ears anymore, etc. I finally trust myself to stand up for myself and to stop being a doormat. Al Anon has definitely given me more peace.

There are days that I wonder if I will be married to him in 5 years or 10 years. But, then I remind myself that I only need to take it one day at a time(ODAAT). For today, I choose to be married. For just this moment, I choose to be a kind wife and I choose to be engaged in my marriage and to give it 100%. I choose to keep my side of the street clean and stop focusing on him and what he's saying or doing. It's all about choices and being willing to make some changes in yourself so that you can find some peace and serenity.

As for the driving, I get carsick and have to always be the driver. That solves that problem when we go anywhere together. Yet, he is a terrible backseat driver and I almost left him on the side of the road the other day because he wouldn't stop telling me how to drive. It's much easier to walk away when I'm at home but when we're out and about or in the car, it's nearly impossible without getting into a HUGE fight.

There is a book that I read about "Walking on Eggshells" that I read last year that is quite helpful and any book on boundaries would help you, too. As for working on yourself, I would suggest the book, "Getting them Sober" series by Toby Rice Drews and any of the Al Anon daily readers. Last but not least, I'd suggest finding an Al Anon meeting in your area. You don't have to be living with a current drinker to attend. If your life is/was affected by someone else's drinking problem, then that's the place to be!

Welcome to the message boards and I hope that find some peace in knowing that you are not alone.

There is no doubt my AH should be on some kind of medication but he is still of the belief this is my problem not his... I appreciate the book referrals and I will indeed look into them. As I said below, I have been working on myself. I just can't help to be affected by his sour demeanor. Its all day and in every way. No hope will come from this unless he understands the problem is with him. My husband would rather die than go on anitdepressants. I know that and I just need a better way to deal with him I am hoping that this is a phase in my life and the next phase will be better. My kids go off to school in a couple of years and then my whole universe widens up. I get a good job and if he doesn't accept responsibility for his side of the street then he's going to be a lonely old man. regards, Hope.

Hope999 · Member

rehprof wrote:
Welcome !
I could have written your post...we on the boards call that "crazytown"..not a fun place to live....
you are in the right place to find your way out of crazytown...read the old posts..keep posting...and try to find an alanon meeting in your area.
you will find lots of good folks in this community...who get it..
keep coming back...

Thank you I will.

Hope999 · Member

stephaniej wrote:
Welcome, Hope! I can relate to a lot of what you are going through, and I can say without a doubt that Al Anon has brought so much more serenity, peace, and emotional health to my life. I definitely hope you stick around and check out some face-to-face meetings. I'll also recommend the book Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews. The moment I opened that book I felt an immediate sense of "I am not alone, I am not crazy, and I do not deserve to be abused." For me, all these things helped me to obsess less about my alcoholic husband (AH), and focus more on myself, my children, and our emotional well-being.

We have discussed the ins and outs of drinking in front of an alcoholic spouse/having alcohol in the home on numerous occasions, and we fall all across the spectrum in terms of opinions about the issue; if you are interested in reading more, you can search the archives. For me it was an easy choice to stop drinking altogether and not have alcohol in the house. My husband is still an active alcoholic, though, and the reasons for my choice have a lot to do with having small children at home and always wanting there to be an unimpaired adult around.

Sending you support and I hope you'll come back.

Thank you. Luckily my kids were somewhat young when their father was in full swing. I don't think they remember the bad behavior like I do. How do you forget the bad behavior? I am still having a problem with that...

Hope999 · Member

I don't know how to reply directly under a person's comment. I think I am doing this wrong.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Their disease really clouds our thinking, makes us so sick we forget what it is like to live in a calm, serene environment.

A good father does not scare everyone in the care with road rage, control everyone, always complain etc. It has become familiar to you, to the point you are denying its destruction on you and your kids.

Al Anon meetings will help you for sure. Also going to a counselor who is also involved in Al Anon themselves can help too. Getting a sponsor when you go to meetings helps us have a connection with a mentor, support.

He is clenching his teeth, uptight, white knuckling, everything bothers him as he is fighting what he wants more than anything, to drink.

We can do nothing for him. But we can do for ourselves and our kids.

"Getting Them Sober" Toby Rice Drew volume one is an excellent book for you.

To educate yourself is a great first step.

Myself my kids were grown. I could use Al Anon skills and it went well for awhile. But the complaining, never laughing, not any fun or anything positive, I refused to live with him anymore.

Almost immediately I felt the quiet, calmness. Like I was free. Been many years now and I have no regrets.

My situation was I in no way would allow my kids to go thru that. They would have hated to see me go thru that. And I in no way wanted them to think it was an ok way to live.

We all have to make our own decisions, look at our options. Al Anon can help us with this. You may find ideas and support where you can make your lives tolerable to stay with him. It can be done!

I hope you find meetings to go to. At the bottom of my share are contacts to find one in your area.

So glad you found us, we want you to come back!

love to you and kids, debilyn

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Hope, my AH did not want to go on meds for a looonnnnggg time, LOL! He told me he'd become a walking zombie and that he wouldn't feel anything at all. Now, he's the biggest proponent for them to the point that he's telling me I need to be on them since I'm having such a hard time dealing with our most recent events(including the death of my father). It took a MAJOR depressive episode for my AH to finally get help on his own and get on medication. He was a sobbing mess at the psychologist's office who then referred him to a psychiatrist for meds. It took a very low few months in his life along with the fact that I told him I was pretty much done with our marriage. My AH has been depressed since he was born, just ask his family. He suffers from numerous learning disabilities, anxiety, ADHD, and depression. They all add up to someone who never developed proper coping skills so he started self-medicating with alcohol when he was 14.

No one can tell you what is right for you. I have still chosen to stay in my marriage, that may change some day. For now, it's always going to be ODAAT.

Dolly Llama · Senior Member

I can relate, Hope, and I second the suggestions you've already received.

Al Anon saved my sanity, rather it gave me the tools to save my own sanity. If nothing else, there is something so cleansing and healing about being with people who also love an alcoholic.

Like Debilyn, I reached a point where I did not wish to live with the controlling behaviors and dry drunk attitudes anymore. Hope and denial can keep us stuck for a long time. You will know what is right for your situation. Some people do stay with their spouses and have serenity, too. After getting some time in with Al Anon, I promise you, you will see things more clearly.

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome, Hope

I hope you find yourself some face-to-face meetings. I know for me Al-Anon really changed my life. My exAH was verbally abusive and angry a lot of the time, too - although he remained actively drinking.

It was a hard lesson to learn, but I want to put it out there that you simply cannot wait around and expect the alcoholic in your life to change so you can finally breathe and feel better. The only person whom I have control over is myself and my choices and attitude. I cannot move forward in life and expect to be happy if I decide my happiness swings upon someone outside of me changing their behavior.

Acceptance is a tough pill to swallow. You might want to ask yourself what you'd like to do if your AH never changes. There's a darn good chance he won't. Threatening him is simple manipulation, and it's really not fair at all. (Do you feel that way when he told you you cannot drink around him?) If there's going to be any change on his part that is lasting its going to have to be because he really truly desires it for himself - not to appease someone outside of him.

I encourage you to get to some face-to-face Al-Anon meetings. Try at least six as close together as possible before you decide if the program is for you or not. It was life-changing for me, but I had to be very humble and willing to take a good hard look at the part I play in my life.

(hugs)

Hope999 · Member

Thank you Aloha. I think you are right. I do think I am waiting for him to change and I don't think he ever will because I have come to learn happiness is a relative term. He is happy with the way things are. He gets to manipulate me to suit his life and his disease. I have bought the book that some of the others have suggested, Getting them Sober, vol 1 and I most definitely need to set some boundaries. I need happiness to come from me which it does but I need to be less sensitive to his manipulation. As I have said before, without children this would have been a no brainer. With children, I am turning over every stone until I decide enough is enough. It is too emotionally exhasting. He sucks the air out of my room when he comes in. I have to get over that. He gets to have things his way while I accomodate his sobriety. I need my power back and I am working on it. You are right about manipulation. I manipulated him to stop drinking after our marriage took a pivitol turn. It was not a true choice. But I look at it as more of a consequence. If you drink.. then you will lose your family. There's not doubt about that. I can never go back to the way things were. I would rather by my myself and work and 80 work week to support my children than live with the abuse. I appreciate your thoughts and I am looking at the bigger picture. hugs back, Hope

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Hope,

It helps me to put happiness into the terms of happiness is an inside job .. and nothing outside of myself is going to "make" me happy nor is it going to "make" anyone else happy. Happiness doesn't come in the form of a pill bottle, booze, other people, and the list goes on and on. Once I can fill that hole inside me though I have an amazing shot of being happy and it doesn't matter what my Q does or doesn't do .. I have choices that I didn't know I had in the beginning.

Welcome and I hope you keep coming back, you are worth it!!

Hugs P :)

Hope999 · Member

Reply to Ilovedogs.

Thank you. I do hope he accepts medication into his life one day. I do think it would make a difference. He believes going on medication is like accepting defeat. He also does not beleive he needs to see anyone to solve his his problems. He can do it himself.. duh I only wish it were that easy! My husband is the adult suvivor of an alcoholic parent and many of his issues and arrested emotional developement come from being one of 10 children and out on his own at the age of 16. We are polar opposites on many things. I seek help. He hates it. Ihave to grow and more on. He is content just to be. thanks, Hope

Hope999 · Member

Reply to Debilyn,

You are right. A good father does not do those things and I see now that I have separeted the two. I bought the book u suggested today and I'm going to read it. I need to get honest with myself. He isn't going to change or he would have already. I am going to change. As I look at my ah I realize.. it is me that needs the help! Thanks for the words and the book.

Hope999 · Member

Does anyone have a book recommendation for the families of alcoholics who are not drinking and not in any kind of recovery program?

I bought the book "Getting them Sober" and while I agree there is some really great information in here, it is aimed primarily at the spouse of an active alcoholic. Been there done that. What I need now is to learn how to set boundaries and limits at home for his negative attitude so that I can achieve some serenity at home. Don't know anything about the future. only know I need to get thru this now.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

It really doesn't matter if they are drinking or not if they are not working a program of recovery they are considered active or at least that's how I've always taken it. Getting them Sober, Dilemma of an Alcoholic Marriage is another good one too. So these tools will work with an active or someone who is dry and not working a program of recovery. It might be a good idea to read some of the Big Blue book in AA to get an idea of the disease and how it works.

As well as getting to meetings is a big one too.

Hugs and keep coming back, P :)

Hope999 · Member

Thank you. I will get there. As my profile indicates to the left.. I am a newbie ..and these nuances are lost on me. He definitley is active then. My god. Its been 8 years this May that he gave up the drink but I feel like I'm back at square one. Thank you for the referrals. I will read the big blue book. thanks for the hugs, hope.

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