Working...yes, abuse does exhaust us and drain our personal resources. I personally know of no way to cope with it besides leaving the abusive situation and relationships.

I am not a medical professional and am not attempting to diagnose you, but it sounds like you have some symptoms of depression. You say that money is an issue for you...is there some public medical assistance you could apply for, some county supported depression screening? Even an over the counter med like Sam-E can help manage your depressive symptoms so that you can get out of bed and feel like living life again.

I smoke, too, and I'm with you...it's such a sucker of energy. Maybe you can start small and just walk around your block to get some fresh air a few times a week? I find that when I don't feel like getting any exercise, it is exactly what I need to do most. It might be tough at first, but any action will make you feel better...movement feeds on movement. Get your body moving and your head will follow. Power talk yourself through your walk- tell yourself you deserve love and good things...you do not have to live with abuse...you are as free as you believe you are.

Maybe a *break* from constantly working on yourself would be an idea, too...not to set aside your recovery, but to advance it. You sound stuck. Forget your feelings for a while. Give yourself a huge break and maybe focus on your other concerns, such as managing your depressed symptoms, finding some work (maybe just part time at first). Once you have a daily routine, you might not feel so depressed. It will be easier to get out of bed with a goal for the day. And, work will help you meet people and get out of your own head a bit.

And, you will be the family scapegoat as long as you allow yourself to be. I know that sounds impossible from where you are right now, but I believe that is true. It will be very hard to maintain any sense of mental health and love of life while you are so enmeshed with your abusive father.

I relate to your story a lot, and know that your situation may be hopeless, but you are not, dear.

I heard an AA speaker talk about how it took them 7 - 8 years after becoming sober to actually weave themselves together, sobriety as well as emotionally. They were actually in worse shape than when they stopped drinking. I don't know if the same thing is applying to you. I apologize totally for this comment ahead of time I'm not looking to offend anyone so take what you like leave the rest. AA is a program of getting and continuing sobriety where Alanon is more emotionally based healing.

If it is possible can you assist individual counseling? This sounds like there are really some heavy issues that need not only the Alanon, ACOA based programs, you need time to heal and talk it out with an individual counselor as well.

Again this is all just my perception not looking to split hairs just what I have heard shared, after listening to the speaker who spoke about their brokenness.

Hugs P :)

Keep coming back and keep taking things just moment by moment. We all have to start with baby steps.

Thanks, rehprof. So THAT'S why I'm so scared at night. I check under my bed and in all closets and set the alarm and lock my bedroom door and having a pet does help, only I had to give her up (TO MY PARENTS!) because she actually woke me up too early. I'm not allowed to have a key to their house since they consider ME to be the bad person (it's ridiculous) so I can't even visit her when they'e away. God, I can't wait until the day I can stop pretending I'm ok with this and take a nice long break from them.

I like your suggestion of a trauma therapist, the light box, and walking. Does the CPAP work? I have mild REM apnea and early morning awakening. Seroquel conks me out at night, no problem there. In the morning REM dreams I believe I'm triggered (can't remember dreams per se), wake up, and no way can I go back to sleep. Thanks.

It sounds like being dependent on your parents is killing your spirit. It brings up too many issues from your childhood and reminds you constantly of messed up dynamics you have going on in your family. I understand that you are legitimately disabled at the moment so I'm not sure what else I suggest. What would you do if your parents were not around or if they had no money? It may be worth it for you to cut yourself off from them financially so that you can be true to yourself.

You are right that you can't really work either an AA program or an Alanon program with huge resentments like that. Also, when you see yourself as having no choice but to accept the unacceptable, your natural reaction is to get depressed, feel anxious, lose sleep. To whatever extent that you can put outcomes in your life back on you and your higher power and not on your parents - it will help. It might be a rough sacrifice but your serenity is at stake.

Mark

Hi Working Through It,

My sister has severe sleep issues--she couldn't sleep even with sleeping pills often.
I ordered Sleep Tracks online--found about them by Googling. They are CDs and she played them and trained her brain to sleep and now she can sleep nights and
even fall back asleep, even take a nap occasionally. It didn't take long--she was better within the week.
I saw a novel way to stop smoking or at least cut down. A man said that every time he opened another package of cigarettes, his wife would take the cost of a
pack and throw it down the storm drain. That was many years ago, when they were not that expensive, but he developed an aversion to throwing money away.
Good luck!
Temple

Hon I read all the responses and your posts.

I want to share my experience. I did lose everything. But let me tell you, over time I worked on healing, making sure I had a nice little space of my own, and someone gave me a car.

It's been around 9 10 years now. Soooo worth all I learned and grew. So worth my serenity, my spiritual me and my life. I could not and would not live like that anymore even if I had to live in my car with my dogs.

Our orchidlover on here has made huge strides after going thru much like what you are.

Plus it is not worth your own recovery. I am NOT suggesting you leave. I am only sharing my experience. I tried to live with him, used al anon skills. worked for awhile, but he got worse.

I lived in a tiny room at the end of my barn. was better believe me. I now have my own little one room cabin in the mountains. I am so serene even during tough times. the mip brothers and sisters always are there for me. always for around ten years now.

I have NO regrets at all. I shop at Goodwill for great stuff, I find Eddie Baeur brand new spell? ll bean, lands end, vanderbuilt new things from them donating.

Am so frugal my power bill was $12 last time. I use Kerosene heat in my nice heater or have a fire. I don't buy paper towels. I wash in cold and hang my cloths. I have a dryer but who needs it?

there are so many things we can do to be ever so comfy with less money. My couch was 60 or a 100 cannot rmember now. It was an almost new, very very nice leather couch ya just feel you're on a cloud. My almost new double recliner was one fifty.

My bed is a very expensive metal one someone painted some weird silver I pained it this beautiful copper and it is so pretty.

Believe me its fun, its all mine.

Sometimes it takes some working on where you are, then maybe leaving them maybe coming back until you are ready. Some plan or think out how what and all that just to feel it out!

Being proactive in your own recovery will make ya feel better.

I made my own room in the house, door out,locked entry door from living room. tv all I needed was in there. That space helped me too!

so glad you shared. We are here for you. We need you too.

Love,debilyn

As Debilyn has said I have certainly come a long long way since I lived with an alcoholic.

I'm not sure what the issue is for you with money but wherever you are there are disability programs.  There are also food programs and social workers.  The issue for me was in trying to find an independent life away from the ex A.  I felt tremendously trapped by him for years.  We had pets, dogs and cats and they were also a huge issue in our separation.

I now have the dogs and cats.  Certainly they wake me up at odd times but they are also a source of great love, strength and compassion for me.  I am so glad I found a way to keep them.

For some of us therapy is a real help when we are enmeshed with others.  Therapy can help us to unravel all those connections.

I think that al anon is a wonderful teacher of boundaries. For so many of us coming from dysfunctional backgrounds learning where we begin and end is so crucial.  We have to practice long and hard to get to places of setting limits. 

No one here is going to judge you, tell you what to do or label you.  I hope you will give al anon a shot. There are meetings here all the time.

Maresie.