The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
On March 4th I entered this community. Just to review, I have been in a relationship with my husband for 3 1/2 years and married for almost a year. He has been an alcholic for most of his life. I have been tolerated this since we met. At first we drank together. I truly didn't know he had such a deep problem. Long story short, he made all kinds of promises and stopped for awhile, but he always goes back. He was recently in his second car accident within one year apart. This time was almost fatal. He destroyed our car, insurance has since dropped him and has to take part in an AA weekend to access his addiction. He also is on probation and if caught drinking will go to jail for 6months. Anyway, He has since the accident fractured his heel and can not work, drive or walk. He has been preaching to me how great he feels not drinking and how this new unborn baby means the world to him and how he has changed...blah blah blah! I of course beleived him AGAIN! Today I went out to the garage to take out the trash and found beer. I rarely go there for fear of what I will find. So I proceeded to take every last can out of the garbage and line them up in rows on the ground...why you ask? I have no idea! I did not say anything to my husband for the first time. I am burying myself in my teaching lesson plans and trying to focus on my little girl who is almost seven. I am six months pregnant as well. He also has a five year old son. I am rambling I know. I jhave yet to go to a meeting. He has either. His weekend for that AA ssessement isn't until the end of April. I am such a gullible and blind individual. I am so upset with myself this time. I cried as I picked up every last can and realy wanted to throw them right at him as he slept. I know I need a meeting but am scared. I have not one freind or family member I can talk to about this for fear of embarrassment. This is exhausting and humiliating. I love my husband and can not for the life of me understand why. Part of me wants to raise my kids alone , but the other part can not imagine my life without my husband. I know I know I have options....but I am scared to choose....
I hear you Many of us have been where you are Believe me, you are not alone. I also know how difficult it is to get to that first alanon meeting. We think we can do this alone and that we cannot discuss the pain, the sadness, the disappointment with anyone. Friends and family must be protected from the reality, so we pretend that all is well and wish that things would change
Please believe me that attending alanon saved my life. I had no where else to go -- wishing things to change did not work and all of my old tools had also stopped working. I too cried all the time and could not move
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Alanon meetings are comprised of people who have felt the same. We come to meetings to break the isolation caused by this disease. We support each other as we learn new constructive tools to live by.
We urge newcomers to make no major life changes for the first 6 months so that they will have time to learn new tools and obtain clarity on their lives.
With the new baby due having additional emotional support would really help.
Keep coming back here and sharing as well You are not alone
RR, your husband has a disease. I know that is hard to grasp at first because its so infuriating.. but it truly is.. its a disease. Al-Anon has saved my grace, serenity, happiness, sanity.. pretty much my life. I hope you can get to face to face meetings as soon as possible, some have child care there.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Please be gentle on yourself. We all at one time believed the promises. It is part of this "family" disease. It affects the whole family. You are not alone. At the meeetings, you will instantly become part of a kind and understanding community. The confusion, pain and anger is overwhelming. I am sending you tremendous support!
I certainly saw myself as very naive around alcohol for years. Now I am not naive but it didn't come overnight and it didn't come from beating myself to smittereens.
Al anon can teach you some great tools that can help you with dealing with your current situation. So many of us come here with our lives in shambles. The ex A who I was with for 7 years smashed two cars, racked up thousands in fines, drove without a license all the time, drove like a maniac and really made me distraught most of the time.
Eventually I decided to let al anon in. The now ex A didn't change at all. What changed was me. How I over reacted to what he did, how I tried to change him, how I tried to find a reason for his using.
I had to really come to terms with I was dealing with a disease. And unfortunately the disease had me as much as it had him. When I left the ex A I was pennilless. I had no job. I had few resources. Yet I had got to the point of realizing he was not going to get better and I had to take concrete actions to get away from him. For years before then I went in the taking him back, hating him, feeling sorry for him, making excuses for him dance. That was incredibly time consuming. I was absolutely obsessed with him.
5 years later I rarely think of him. I don't know where he is living, how he is and what he is doing. Its not that I don't care but I choose not to be involved. I also choose to be somewhere where I don't have to suffer the effects of his disease.
None of us just slip out of a marriage, relationship. No one here is going to lecture you and give you a roadmap we make up our own. What I do know is stay or go al anon helped me tremendously. I got up from the floor and I started to make a life for myself.
((((RR))))...what you are going thru is normal for the spouse of an Alcoholic and when you get into the meetings you find others there with situations worse than yours if that can even sound imaginable to you. Be afraid and go anyway...take your fear into the rooms with you and tell them that you feel afraid and they will understand completely because we have all been there one way or the other. You don't have to carry this trouble by yourself we will share it with you. Welcome to MIP...please keep coming back now.
You say you know you have options but are scared to choose.... I found it hard to make any choices because it seemed like they were all too big. One thing I learned from going to meetings was that I didn't have to see the whole path in front of me, didn't have to have the whole answer - all I needed was to do the next right thing. I learned that it was OK not to do anything until that next step - sometimes a very small baby step - was clear to me.
The way it worked in my life was that I started making very small changes in my own life - sometimes in the way I related to the alcoholic and sometimes just about myself (things like eating better and doing yoga and realizing I didn't have to keep reading books or watching TV that depressed me or made me feel bad). Those small changes sparked other small changes, and it didn't take too long before I got some clarity - I started being able to actually think about what I wanted, and make some decisions.
You don't start this program knowing what to do, and we won't tell you what to do. The way it works, is that you start making little changes in your attitude, and those help you start to see where your path lies. For me, I found I was able to stop focusing so much attention on what he was doing, and to start putting more on what I was doing - I didn't do quite so many stupid things when I was paying attention to me instead of running around like a crazy person reacting to him.
I've never been to an alanon meeting that didn't have a box of kleenex ready to hand - it's OK to say whatever you need to say, and it's OK to cry. Nobody is going to tell you what to do or make you do any homework, nobody is going to check up on you to make sure you're doing it right. You just come and talk, or listen - it's OK not to talk - and eventually you have clarity where you didn't have it before. I waited about four years from the time I first thought about coming to alanon, until I finally walked through the door. I sometimes wonder how much better my life, and those of my kids, would have been if I'd just done it, the first time I wanted to.
I'm sorry for what you're going through and I can identify with that feeling like a fool. I spent years with my exBF without realizing how serious his issues with alcohol were and how seriously they were affecting me. I finally started to see it and then I've had a major eye opening, life changing experience. I'd sure encourage you to try some Alanon meetings. It was a little difficult for me at first, I just felt a little uncomfortable about sharing and I just felt so awful. I found that the people at the face to face meetings were so kind and accepting, it really helped me so much! I think that face to face contact is so important and healing. This board has also been very helpful and there are some wonderful books.
Going to an alanon meeting is the best thing you can do. Truly. Not only will it lessen the vice grip that his disease has upon you and your family, it will also model appropriate recovery for him. Not saying that will make him go to AA, but the best way to get someone in recovery is to be in recovery and attract them to it rather than goad them into it.
RR, this is my first time on this site and read your post. What you said and what you are going thru is what made me create an account because I too feel the same way you do My father is an alcoholic, my mom's previous bf of 8 yrs was an alcoholic and now I am married to an alcoholic. It's kinda funny what you get use to no matter how terrible it is. You would think that I would have learned from my upbringing but not so much, unfortunately. Anyways, I am also looking for an al-anon meeting to attend. I have a daughter as well as a baby. I can relate to you in so many ways. Please feel free to contact me if you would like to talk. I have very few friends (always too busy trying to control my AH). Anyway, thanks again for posting, you have made me feel not so alone
My father is an alcoholic, my mom's previous bf of 8 yrs was an alcoholic and now I am married to an alcoholic. It's kinda funny what you get use to no matter how terrible it is. You would think that I would have learned from my upbringing but not so much, unfortunately. Anyways, I am also looking for an al-anon meeting to attend. I have a daughter as well as a baby. I can relate to you in so many ways. Please feel free to contact me if you would like to talk. I have very few friends (always too busy trying to control my AH). Anyway, thanks again for posting, you have made me feel not so alone