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what makes me so mad too is that even if i am obssessing, the part in me that makes me so mad at myself is that noone and no amount of anything is worth giving away our power, dignity, or serenity .. it doesn't matter who or what it is and still i do it .. when i do this, i close the door to my possibilities of serenity & sanity ..
I will not admit i'm a failure because i know it's the effects and yet I want to change it in me .. even this I need higher power for .. when i'm using my energy for obssession, everything in me becomes depleted and i may as well be throwing myself into the alcoholic because again it's all going out there .. but one of the effects that's interesting that I'm just beginning to see is that the Effect of my first alcoholic and primary situation was enmeshment .. the enmeshment is Also what i projected outward and it followed me to others .. interesting i'm recognising finally the patterns of enmeshment and the ingrained habits that came with it .. I don't know what it is in me that still believes i can't just be me .. or that parts of me just don't care .. but again the comforting words of my higher power are still with me when i hear him gently understanding me and being compassionate by showing me why would i have cared when nothing i cared about ever seemed to matter .. or was criticised or gossipped about ..
The other part that seems to be coming into my mind these days that I want to push right out is my xa .. i remember a night he was on the phone with his family explaining why he was going to a movie with me .. it was actually none of their business .. i heard him telling them quietly I'm not blowing you guys off .. the insanity is out of his loyalty for his alcoholic family, i truly believe they began coming down on him hard and telling him he's not family if he betrays them by staying with me and allowing me to think for myself, etc.. or have my own insights into the way things were / are .. it's neither here nor there and i can't change it but it truly hurts when i think of it because he never could think for himself .. i spoze like most of us prealanon .. anyway at the expense of his daughter, he allows them to dictate his life .. we've heard nothing from him this week for visits .. it's quiet and it's the calm before the storm .. every time we see him, we see him growing progressively worse .. my paranoia sets in and i automatically assume, he's planning court procedures .. i hate when i don't know the outcomes .. i wish i could just sit back and let hp do his part while i do mine .. what the heck is it that makes that so flippin hard for me .. His way is Always better ..
have no idea if this will read sense .. i'm waiting for someone at any minute to type just get over it Me .. but if i could just get over it, i wouldn't have need for fellowship .. i'm so sick through all this and yet i know the only way to get more is to Not abandon myself or my truth of what's going on .. my truth that is .. my perception
again if anyone has any wisdom great .. i know i'm needy but maybe it's because i went without for so long .. the one thing i know is the rooms of alanon hold an unending supply of wisdom, love, grace, etc..
I can't tell you enough what each of your shares have meant to me .. again I may not know you, but i love you for being here, for your willingness to share and just plain for being you .. Thank you genuinely ..
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Monday 19th of March 2012 03:31:46 AM
ok one last thing .. the last day i was at work when i was sensing the negative vibes i was projecting out through really sheer exhaustion .. I went to tell the one guy have a good weekend and he said nothing .. i wanted to be sure he heard me so that he knew i was leaving .. i said did you hear me say that ? he said yes i did and said nothing else .. it was cold .. so i said okee doke .. and i left .. the vibe was not just imagined but even if it wasn't .. i know something in me effects others .. i can't change that even though i hate it and something in me through the years has been so hurt that i do end up pushing others away .. i close the door on both them and me .. (when i dont have meetings) .. the truth is i am just so sensitive on the inside but have been so harmed through the years .. not as in feel sorry for me but really as in harm/damage ..) as i type this though i also hear the comforting words of my sponsor telling me .. but me .. remember that as high up as we go that's how far down we can go and as far down as we go that's how high up we can go .. my serenity and joy moments are as high as my lows .. my confidence at different times through the program can go up as high as it is low right now .. it's not manic .. it just comes with the insights .. the serenity at times through the meeting and the spiritual ahas can really transform into amazing wows .. i'm just happen to be at the lower end this week .. again thanks for being patient with me .. after years of having literally Noone to be available enough to hear me .. I guess i really do have a lot to say .. but this Is the store I can find bread at so to speak .. My daily bread .. Thanks for feeding me with hope & encouragement ..
Aloha 2 ((((hugs)))) The struggle is a part of "getting it" and "getting better". When we don't know and still want there is conflict or struggle and I don't know a person in my life in or out of the program that doesn't do this "process". I read your post and the first step of all of our twelve starts to run in my head, "Admitted we were powerless over alcohol - and that our lives had become unmanagable. Yes I got a Higher Power and I also have the ability and opportunity to struggle. Sometimes I just turn it over...other times I turn in over and want to supervise HP and other time I tell HP to stay home and take the day off cause I'm taking a trip into hell all by my lonesome. "Practice, Practice, Practice these principles in all our affairs". With more humble practice I get closer to that "peace of mind and serenity" that the fellowship speaks about.
You are doing fine Sharing about it, owning it is half the battle. I do agree I too needed HP to lift these behaviors.
I found that while I waited , I could use alanon tools to combat most of the destruction. Sharing, Meetings, Prayer, Forcing my self to not project, and stay in the moment and the day. I found all this kept me very busy with my own stuff and I did forget to worry about what might happen
I also used the 11th Step:" Praying for knowledge of His will and the power to carry it out. This step reminds me that HP will give me the Power to carry out my part. I just must trust
Thanks you two sincerely .. I was thinking of hp this morning .. Funny .. I have been praying for knowledge of his will but forgetting the power part .. The hard thing is, I know my xa so well it seems sometimes and others like i've never known him at all .. I pegged it right though; he just called .. he planned to talk to our daughter thursday and when he called today (monday) i reminded him .. the response i got was that's not true, i wasn't supposed to be there Thursday .. i just said yeah it's written down and left it at that .. Immediately though I was resentful just talking to him .. in my mind, the first thing i thought was how dare you try to make small talk or even talk to me really .. everything is so in my face .. I'm Angry .. and therefore I'm confused when I talk to him sometimes .. I just can't be nice though so maybe i'm not supposed to be or maybe it isn't time .. all i know is i am Not free and i resent regret the fact I didn't choose a better dad, partner, friend to spend the last 11 years of my life with .. he Always seems to get the upper hand because I busy myself judging him and me included by his outsides .. of course he looks happy All the time .. then again I spoze if nothing is real, we're still in the denial slash fantasy .. i don't like the connotation though that I am the one stopping him from seeing his daughter .. That part makes me furious and sick to think of him ..
Today when i went to work, it was ok too .. yet i sat there thinking about relationships (in the back of my mind) .. i always had the image of me and somebody when i think of them .. today what hit me is relationships in general .. the idea by itself .. it was the first time i looked at it without another face looking back and i realised i just never knew what that (word) meant .. not really .. So .. I have a new focus in meetings but i feel like so much drama but god is good because even now I hear God saying yeah let's keep getting rid of that .. drama is a Huge in an Alcoholic environment .. Everyone has a role, cast, script, and credits .. Alcoholism sets the stage for drama .. So that is my own disease .. I must trust it's true and i must share if i am Ever going to get through this ..
I also began to see one other thing today .. my life is not all black (dark) with no white (light) .. there's definitely balance beginning in that I can see that .. I do know I'm the glass half fulll .. but this fear / obssession thing is just where I'm going to Need to share on for awhile because it isn't going to go away on its own .. and today i did recognise one of my biggest things is I still think sometimes that others can see what I see .. And ( I ) see all of my secrets, dark, etc.. in my mind .. I know what's here . Today I was thinking of when I'm at work and how I have to hide it (from others) .. then I began seeing how I think i have to hide it (from me) .. I can never hide it from me and if I can see it I think I Should have it put away so that even I don't see it .. I recognised I don't need to hide anything (from me) .. there's just a time and a place and none of it's something I would share with just anyone .. Still .. i'm tired because I know I need to really put alot of energy in when I'm there in that atmosphere .. truth is .. I'm miserable inside .. then again Why would I feel good ?? hmm I seem to be just thinking about that now .. why would I feel good when I am facing all of my defects .. the second I see them I feel them .. anyone know what's up with that ?? the seeing the defects then feeling them ? why do my feeling have to get enmeshed ..
I grew up in an enmeshed household. I think that alcoholism is certainly part of enmeshment. I also think that none of us get out of enmeshment on our own.
Personally I had to have sponsors to help me to learn where I ended and other people began. I also had to learn to take care of myself. None of that happened overnight.
Having daily contact with a sponsor helped tremendously because I could work on what I needed to do to stop being so enmeshed with others.
One thing I would say about becoming unenmeshed is that those who are enmeshed are not going to too thrilled that you are doing it so have a support system around to cheer you on.
.. not sure what it was in your typing that but that struck something in me .. ty for that .. it's one of those spiritual duh moments lol no wonder why the A turned on me so much .. makes a lot of sense .. when i began making changes in recovery, yes, others were angry, persistent in trying to get me to keep set in my ways .. so they could stay set in theirs .. hmm it wasn't so much about me .. it was about their comfort .. suddenly i'm seeing the image of my x partner of 11 years .. no wonder he's been so mad, resentful, etc.. i was breaking my enmeshment with him and so everything he had going .. comfortably? had to come to an end .. the times i was trying to get him to change, off the drugs, etc.., he was really rebelling on me .. when i began talking about things I wanted to stay away from in his family, he probably began feeling the fear, etc.. knowing he could not unenmesh and also enmeshing himself with them .. makes sense he thought i was saying those things to him and about him .. So sad .. i never said anything horrible about any of them .. just things i didn't want my daughter around .. i know he's angry, i also know it shook up his outlook on things whether admitted or not .. he's powerless over his effects ... but overall .. he's very angry, yes about the unenmeshment.
A fast answer to your question as to why you must feel the pain of your defects when you now see them? That is a serious part of recovery It is the 3 As in action Awareness ,Acceptance and Action.
Before program ,I often saw my defects , awareness and jumped into immediated action (denialof reality and , pretend it was someones else's fault) That did not work'
I was missing the important middle AAcceptance For me acceptance meant that I stopped running around trying to change, I simply said:"Yes I see what I do and I feel how painful that is " Then my next action was to ask HP to lift this
And another thing....LOL (I was taught this) feelings are choices...you get to feel what you want to feel whenever you want to feel it. "Oh BS I originally said; (but not out loud to my sponsor) I don't have a choice." There I was done telling myself off and so I didn't accept that lesson at that time until it came with more practice and spiritual presentation. I was at an Alateen convention as a sponsor and I was gloomy because the black drama of alcoholism was packed in my suitcase and came with me. I was looking down and sad and one of the Alateens asked me what was up to which I responded "I feel very sad" I didn't want to feel sad by I was and she told me, "Well don't you know Jerry F...Happiness is an inside job." Her name was Jen...she wove me a colorful wrist bracelete and I'm sure flew back to where angels go. Thank you HP!! Feelings are choices...think about that one for a minute or so and see if you can do it. ((((hugs))))
one thing that happened yesterday just before walking into work and just after (obssessing all night) i began to remember the reading not even any amount of willpower, perseverence, etc. that ould change alcoholism .. the effects in me .. so i stopped struggling .. i gave it to hp and then the day went .. it may not have went the way i would have chose .. you know happy, exciting .. alcoholically fun dramatic lol but it went ok .. (now i have another to get through) .. i think the choice is whether i will handle it or let hp .. the awareness to action i'm big on .. i've left out that middle piece nearly my whole life ..
when it comes to feelings being a choice .. i'm sitting here sort of going really, Jerry ? i've never really thought of feelings being a choice because they come so spontaneously .. they are so there in mock 10 .. i don't even see them coming some of the time .. the alateen who said happiness is an inside job .. the job stuck out at me as in a job we prioritise in and get to working on what we will use or won't, etc.. there's work to do and yes choices to be made ..
but now as i went to stand up drink my coffee and think about it for a minute .. wow my feelings were My choices in that when they came I just acted on them .. there was no choice really involved because my feelings were making my choices for me .. they were my higher power and they are what i turned to and depended on .. i was big on if i feel it, it is .. that really has given me something to kick around today probably all day lol .. now i'm seeing the A's around me and their feelings .. seeing through their choices .. so many made in feelings and what i have been reacting to is their feelings because i have been trying to reason with .. their feelings .. because that's where Their choices were made .. I wasn't co dependent on people; I was codependent on feelings .. that connected with mine and made them bigger .. in a sense i'm starting to see the importance of taking the think for a minute before responding to some things because if i don't my feelings really will become my choice ... i guess i have alot to think of this week .. just 48 hours ago i thought there were never be anything to think about again .. lol the darkness can be so despairing sometimes but then when i come here reason it through some light shines in ..
it's so sad when i think of how i never knew i needed people .. i am beginning to recognise so much my need for people today .. the sadness in it is i grew up surrounded by people who didn't need eachother .. even in my family they never knew how much they needed eachother .. they still don't .. not really .. just like wow the A never knew how much he needed me .. etc .. others .. his whole family thinks they are all they need but it's not a healthy need ..
thanks for sharing on this .. there's just 2 other people for some reason i can't stop thinking about .. i'm connecting to something but don't know what .. i know my negative feelings are in there somewhere .. the fear of their authority over me .. that authority word can just trip me up sometimes .. i was walking with someone yesterday and we passed some higher ups and she said i don't get intimidated by the higher ups .. i ended up telling her you know .. i'm pretty sure in another year they will intimidate me much less as i work through my own perception .. i never know what is too much to say .. she's a coworker and my experience learned was always never say anything to coworkers .. but my experience with this woman is i think it's ok to say some things .. when i walked away from her i realised it's not the higher ups i'm intimidated by .. i'm intimidated by own perceptions .. it seldom ever really has anything to do with the person in the room .. that's an inside job too .. (perception) ..
had to come to an end .. the times i was trying to get him to change, off the drugs, etc.., he was really rebelling on me .. when i began talking about things I wanted to stay away from in his family, he probably began feeling the fear, etc.. knowing he could not unenmesh and also enmeshing himself with them .. makes sense he thought i was saying those things to him and about him .. So sad .. i never said anything horrible about any of them .. just things i didn't want my daughter around .. i know he's angry, i also know it shook up his outlook on things whether admitted or not .. he's powerless over his effects ... but overall .. he's very angry, yes about the unenmeshment.