Oh, yes, they are very normal. My AH is hiding right now. For 2 hours he was in his office, now he's laying on the bed in the dark watching TV alone. He says nothing is wrong but I know he has a pre trial conference tomorrow for his DUI and he has told me that he doesn't want me involved. So, I'm guessing that he's sulking and depressed dealing with this alone. If only he had found AA. My AH is also not in a recovery mindset. I would not focus on his actions, I would just give him his space and try not to take it personal(which is what we co-dependents do). I wouldn't push any ideas on him. He needs to come to those solutions on his own. I would try to find an Al Anon meeting for you and do some reading for yourself. Write down your thoughts and keep a journal of how you feel. Ask your Higher Power for guidance and pray for your spouse. These things will take up enough of your time so that you take the focus off of him and put it on yourself. Sending you lots of support tonight!

Sending you positive thoughts and a few cyber hugs, too! Believe me, I'm sitting here wanting to engage him so bad: ask him why he's being anti-social from us? Why is he hiding in the bedroom watching the same TV show as we are, the one we always watch as a family? Is he worried about something? Was it something I said?

See, you are NOT ALONE! I've just got a little bit longer in Al Anon than you do(only 2.5 months, LOL) but it's enough to tell me that I need to worry about me and that I need to let him keep his side of the street clean. So, I'll sit out here and wait for him to be ready to talk, that may happen tomorrow AM or it may happen NEVER. I give it to my HP and let Him take care of it all!

Remember that they have very little idea of how to live life as a sober person. Plus they're dealing with all the storms going on inside their heads.  AA and other recovery programs give them tools and a structure to deal with all that, but trying to do it on their own ... well, it's like trying to figure out how to build a house when you've got a hammer, a saw, and a forest.  No wonder they get cranky.  It's a big job when you're trying to do it without any help. 

The way I see it, we can detach with love, and it helps not to expect anything that is unrealistic to expect.  That said, giving them a free pass to be perpetually moody and unhelpful is not actually such a good thing.  So we have to figure out what our boundaries are.  That's where our own recovery comes in.  Do you have a meeting and a sponsor?

Sending you much support.

So glad you found the message board hicktownmom! I wish I could offer you an easy answer to your problems, but the fact is there isn't any, other than Al-anon. The first few days of recovery are tough, no doubt. I personally haven't gone through it with a husband, wasn't lucky enough for that! My alcoholic husbands (yes, there were more than one) never chose to get help for themselves. Two never quit drinking (to my knowledge) and a third quit cold turkey because I asked him to, or I wouldn't marry him. Boy who did I think I was God? Well, it backfired and he might of never drank again, but he SURE did resent me for it!

The only experience I have with someone coming out of a treatment program was a boss I had for 5 years. I was a lab tech and he a professor. Once again I tried to "control" things and after asking to talk to the department at their weekly meeting (while another prof. covered for him, because he had to leave work early to go drink), and the  Dean of the Department (the alcoholic was the chairman of his individual department, so the only way to go was up), a few of his students and an AA individual who did interventions. An intervention was arranged. I felt pretty proud of myself. The Dean of the department was there, as was his prof. friend that enabled him, his wife, a former student, myself and the AA member turned counselor.

He decided to go into treatment. I was estatic! Now he would become bareable to work for again! (I was new to al-anon at the time.) And I would be his Savior! Well, that isn't exactly how it played out. He stayed in treatment for the alotted time and he stayed sober (because he had to or lose his job). But become bareable to work for again? NOT.

The following year was one of the hardest for me (I worked for the man for 5 years.) He berated me in front of students (something he had never done under the influence of the alcohol). He pushed my harder than ever before, and he played mind games to the extreme. But I perservered. I held out a year worked my program and eventually got excepted to graduate school at a major university and transfered out.

But here's the good news...

Because I worked my program (religiously) and continued to go to f2f meetings (this was before I had internet) weekly and sometimes 2-3 times a week, whatever it took to keep a positive attitude in all this. He stayed sober. He is sober today. He and his wife are still friends of mine. I do not enable him anymore today, but I am his friend. I am not saying all recovery stories turn out this way, but this one did, and I'm so glad. And it had nothing to do with me... other than I worked my program, and turned the rest over to the God of my understanding.

Just take it One Day at a Time HTM, and you'll be fine!

 

Overcome