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So, I went to the meeting this morning on Step 3. When I share in these rooms, I realise there's a distinct possibility someone from my side will recognise my shares and am making the decision that, that's ok .. Remembering too though that absolutely nothing happens by mistake after step 3. This weekend is the first weekend in my 6 years of alanon that I can recognise I am finally getting closer to working on me .. In the beginning when I came in, I had so much debri that had to be cleared before I could finally scratch the surface of my real problems .. Me & my effects of others thinking and behaviors .. and actually my own the most if i'm honest !]
Yesterday was such a beautiful day here .. warmer than ever and it seemed everyone I called had something to do or was gone .. I spent the day alone .. atleast I thought .. with it being such a beautiful day, I began comparing myself with others in that they all had someone that wanted to be with them and they were guaranteed having fun .. noone wanted to be with me, etc.. I was miserable and lonely .. I felt the shoulds and the shame .. I felt guilty because If i'm honest I haven't wanted to be with Anyone .. for a very long time (most of my life, with the exception of highschool and earlier, etc .. I also felt incredibly guilty because I didn't really want to be with my kids either .. they didn't seem to be enough because .. you know .. they were mine .. and I was never enough .. of course even when I didn't want to be with anyone, I still always had to be with them .. But I began thinking again of the effects of the isms (other peoples thinking and behavior) and how it all truly effected me .. It made me not want to be around. It made me care about Nothing .. It made me have no self esteem: I didn't matter .. it made me believe i can't have the same level of relations other have .. It made me Feel disabled in a sense ..
Well I could hear my higher power telling me yesterday, It's time you share on this .. and I sat fighting him saying what's the point .. I heard him say Until you turn it over to me and take the risk using the courage I give you to share and be open and honest .. even I can't help you .. I found myself saying to him but What's on the other side ? !! What I heard him saying is .. Me .. I am on the other side waiting with all of my gifts ..
This morning I read in a meeting that to turn over my will to God Seemed to be a gamble: (the word seemed being an illusion) .. the next line read .. what have we got to lose ?? I began thinking of why i don't want to share .. what have i got to lose .. what i could see is my Ego .. my Pride .. my Self will .. My anger .. My resentments .. and it began to sink in .. All worth losing .. If there is no loss, there can be No gain .. So .. I went to the meeting this morning and shared, honestly, openly, and willingly, and i began feeling the amazement that no matter what I share, members are always there for me with their higher power ..
I also began recognising that the guilt i have felt for not wanting to be around people has Nothing to do with the people .. God began to have the compassion on me by showing me through serenity the truth .. Why would I want to be around others when the second I am, my own obssessions start in .. my fears .. my compulsions, anxiety's, judgments, defects, shame .. etc.. this is what goes on in me on the inside .. So i began to feel his healing by showing me i had valid reasons for not wanting to reach out .. he began to show me why would i have cared about Anything walking through alcoholism .. Anything I cared about did not matter .. I'm feeling guilty because I don't want to go back to work .. I am feeling fear .. why .. would i want to go and hang out with fear and shame all day .. etc.. i'm tired this week so everything feels 10 times worse ..
what i realise is there are times I am afraid of what others will think (inside) .. what I realised today is that it's not that i'm afraid of what others think .. it's the difference between think and obssession .. if others truly were thinking .. there's a pretty good chance they would be compassionate, clear minded, less judgmental, etc.. I remember sharing the difference in the two for me .. i wasn't really Ever thinking .. what I was doing was obssessing .. so it wasn't like hold on let me Think about that .. it was Hold on let me obssess, obssess, obssess .. i see the humor in it as in what goes on, on the inside .. of hold on, not now .. i'm thinking (obssessing) how many times was i told this in the past .. it's sort of like hold on i'm obssessing and i can't do two things at once, duh .. half lol .. so i have been projecting obssession as in i'm afraid others are obssessing on me as hard as i obssessed on them and obssessing on the negative because that's truly the only really thing i have obssessed on; the negative .. etc.. and Even as i type this .. i'm not so sure i'm able to judge it anymore because this negative almost appears to be in the process of being transformed into a very positive ..
So why do i obssess on tomorrow when it isn't here yet ? because I don't really obssess on the people, I obssess on the fear .. I obssess on the obssession .. Mine .. that is why i am feeling it today .. my obssession has begun and I can't be alone in this or the only one whose ever dealt with this, can I ? I hear others all the time say they are worried about something that has not even happened yet ..
I'm in a position though where after having said for years, i stayed because I was comfortable .. comfort is supposed to be a Good thing .. There's nothing comfortable about the Effects of control, superiority, domination, criticism, gossip, fear, anger, (these are the defects that effected me so much I literally grew too filled with fear to live .. i survived .. i was like a toxic, friggen, waiste dump .. everyone dumped their crud on me and me in my helplessness from childhood up took it all in .. well i'm not helpless today because help is here .. but I am powerless .. i do know it's worth it if this will lead me through it to what's waiting on the other side .. but thanks for letting me share .. pretty deep .. but I still feel the fear and rather than obssessing for something to do .. i figure sharing from the heart is a Much better use of my time ..
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Sunday 18th of March 2012 03:33:34 PM
.. i survived .. i was like a toxic, friggen, waiste dump .. everyone dumped their crud on me and me in my helplessness from childhood up took it all in .. well i'm not helpless today because help is here .. but I am powerless .. i do know it's worth it if this will lead me through it to what's waiting on the other side .. but thanks for letting me share .. pretty deep .. but I still feel the fear and rather than obssessing for something to do .. i figure sharing from the heart is a Much better use of my time
THANK yOU SO VERY MUCH MEtWO2, FOR A VERY POWRFUL INSIGHTFUL SHARE FROM THE HEART. The above excerpt from your posting really spoke to me. WOW
I too discovered, as you have, that I was a was in survival mode for a very liong time. I also pretended that I was comfortable and felt safe when the reality was I was fiiled with fear and anger. I knew how to deny reality and pretend I was fine I had no other tools.
Listening to your HP was a gift that you gave yourself and to all of usl today. In my first meeting I heard, if you want to know how this program works use the word "HOW.:
Honesty, Openess & Willingness. I heard all three in your share.
You are doing fine Thanks for sharing the journey.
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 18th of March 2012 05:27:14 PM
Thank you for writing this, I identify with all of this a great deal.
For myself, these "predictions" or "stories" I tell myself are part of the combination of trust (lack of), control (the situation, the outcome) and they served as protection my whole life. Living in chaos these stories give me a false sense of security that I know what is coming so I can forumulate a plan of attack (or retreat, or manipulation, etc).
I regularly have to address my stories as soon as they start because I've yet to have a story that didn't for me bring up volumes of anxiety, immobility or misplaced anger. I start by actually saying to myself "that's a story you are telling yourself, you cannot know if that is true". Sometimes it would work early on, sometimes not. The best I can do is try.
I learned to confront the stories. "Is it really true this is going to happen?", "What good is coming of me creating this story?" "What benefit am I getting from it?" "Can I put the story away or set it down and pick up a new story?". Whatever I could internally work with to basically trick my mind into letting it go. I still get the anxiety with them, but after working on them, the stage I'm at is I can say to myself "that is a story" and I start to calm. It took awhile to get there and I hope some day I can let go of them and not even create them. I'm sure after 40 years of stories serving a purpose, just 3 or 4 years of unlearning it is not nearly even a dent.
It is very healthy to share and get things out of your head and you cannot go wrong with sharing as long as it's from the heart. This allows us to know you and it allows you to better know yourself. I firmly believe that God acts through people so if a person doesn't open up, they are robbing themself of part of the spiritual journey that is to be had in life. Thanks for sharing. Truly!
I can relate to something in each of your shares too, thanks for responding .. There's days I just wish I could get everything over with in one swoop, but I know I'm always greatful it took what it did to get the learning because it lasts and it's usually on a deeper level with more serenity when it takes the time it does, etc..
At the end of the day, no matter what ever happens in our lives, there will always be learning in it; even if something blows up in our face .. that's the beauty of this program .. When I do the obssessing above, i usually end up thinking then it's the person out there I need to change .. What worries me is that I am powerless to change, control, cure, etc.. how my own behavior effects anothers .. whether they make a choice to respond negatively, etc..
I know my behaviors or at least attitude was visible on Friday when I went to work, etc .. it wasn't so much the attitude, it was the shame or just the tiredness? I was feeling; I'm not sure .. the separation, moodiness ? I cannot pinpoint it but at one point it felt like i was being discussed by two members .. one guy i work with and my boss .. it felt as though they were both agreeing there was definitely something wrong with me .. it triggers me .. the fear others will talk because i was usually talked about often between my whispering sisters .. truly.. they were catty .. so the paranoia is still here ..
The hard thing too is that when I obssess in my mind, it's like my mind itself searches for a target .. then it stays stuck on 2 people .. it isn't that I'm obssessing it's the shame I place on myself for having this problem to work through because to me it seems like there's something major wrong with it .. When I do obssess it's hard for me to change it because of my own belief that obssession will last forever, etc.. i start the what if cycle .. and then i project it out .. It's as honest as I can be .. but again I have to keep telling my mind it's ok that I am where I am as long as I am not abandoning me .. it is what it is .. humbling but again by bringing it into the light, all I really have to lose is my ego and my own pride .. those are good losses; through them, there's everything to gain ..
thanks for being here .. the days of needing to walk in the dark alone are over; I don't need to keep secret anymore and that is Such a huge gift .. wishing everyone much serneity ..
although i do need to add .. it's funny that alot of this is my alcoholic's shortcomings I have picked up on .. his attitude of oh forget it and throwing my hands up in the air .. I guess the real problem is in part too that I just get a forget outlook .. well it won't work anyway .. or forget it .. if this is how I'm gonna be, I don't want anything to do with anybody .. It's a major defect (on the inside) i still need to work to share on .. these images in my head are Not even real .. they are just my own images .. whether they happen or not, again they are just what they are .. the Effects of this disease .. My daughter has a magnet with the infamous saying that Sometimes courage isn't that loud roar that charges into battle; sometimes it's just that quiet voice within us that whispers .. i'll try again tomorrow ..
I know for me the patterns of allowing others to dump on me started in childhood. I had no control over it then. Now I do have control over it.
When I feel like I am victimized I have lots of choices about it. Sharing isn't actually all of it. I do share with others and consult them about certain issues in my life but I also take lots of actions.
I would not say it was comfortable for me to be dumped on. Familiar was it really. I knew that. I also knew that as long as I was being dumped on in some strange way I was "needed". My abandonment issues ruled me for a long long time.
