The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It was my daughters birthday party last week and I really tried to remember the slogan "Keep in simple". I think I did relatively well. I love that slogan. There was another mom there who is somewhat of a friend who is a very nice lady but is very focused on things being orderly and she likes things to be in order with the cake and ice cream and gifts. She even announced right before the cake was being served----well she actually asked me loudly if I wanted the kids hands to be sanitized with her sanitizing gel and she had it raised very high in the air. So I was caught off guard and I asked the kids if they wanted any hand sanitizer and of course they said NO! So I said---Ok, they dont want any--they don't need it I guess, I left it at that. I just felt her energy she had about her there but I was really trying to stay in my own core self you know? I tend to get swayed from others opinions. I did ask her if cake should be served first or presents. I seem to have this thing I do that I need to ask others to tell me what is right. I wish I could have just went in there and stayed grounded in my own identity. I question myself so much and it really affects my self esteem. I really don't know how to relate to people who seem to like to control their ideas. I feel like a doormat. I know I need to change this and not sit on the pity pot. I would love some esh with this one.
-- Edited by willowtree on Saturday 17th of March 2012 09:53:18 PM
TThe longer I attend Al-anon meetings and work the steps with my sponsor and come here, the more comfortable I get within myself. Sometimes I amaze myself at how strong and capable I feel. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I have heard this saying here many times and it's one of my favorites .. what other people think of me is none of my business. It is truly something that I have taken to heart in situations like you have described .. people are going to behave like they do because we all have issues. I'm sure there are many situations I could have handled better and didn't .. that's ok .. it's part of being a human. Progress not perfection.
It's important to me to look at the reason why I felt uncomfortable with the situation. Was I looking to people please? Was I trying to change into someone else so they would like me? What was going on with me that I instantly needed to go back to this behavior.
Working the steps with a sponsor, attending meetings is so key for me. As I get a better sense of who I am even when I am in fearful situations (which maybe to others aren't fearful however they are to me) I am better able to use my program tools and act in a different way instead of reacting and taking away my choices in the situation.
Keep coming back :) Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Hi willowtree and welcome to MIP! I agree with what BF and Pushka wrote. The longer I work my program, the more comfortable I am with myself. And the more comfortable I am with myself, the easier it is for me to value my own thoughts and choices over those of other people. It doesn't happen all at once, it takes time. You're off to a good start already just by your awareness and wanting to change. Keep coming back, read other posts and replies. There is much to be learned here.
You actually sound like you are in a good spot in many ways. This awkward feeling about how you interact with others means that the whole "people pleasing" thing has come into your awareness and you are trying to change it. If you weren't sick of it and ready to change, it wouldn't be making its way into your awareness.
So...the degree to which you change is up to you. I have seen people act "as if" in the form of "I'm not taking crap from anyone anymore ever again!" Stepwork would help you find a better balance though until you are acting true to yourself and dealing with people and situations as they arise.
I think that for many of us, we are not taught how to be assertive (speak up for our own needs, promote self, look out for #1) so we think these things are aggressive and selfish when actually they are normal and assertive. It will take practice, but be gentle with yourself. You are changing for the better and its not easy. Ripping yourself in the process of changing is like poking at an open wound.
Thank you for the support here. I think it really comes down to me knowing who I am. I am looking forward to maturing in this process. I am going to work on not beating myself up like I have always done. I am glad I am aware that I do it because that is one of the 3 A's. I think it is Awareness, ?, and then Action. I am not sure what the middle one is though. I am making progress. I am glad to be here.
the second one is acceptance. You are doing great! People pleasing is something I've done all my life. Al-Anon is helping me get a better sense of my own life, priorities and opinions. I am finding I still struggle with making knee jerk responses, like "Yes! I will do that" and then later on realizing I don't want to do that at all! Its my typical response to never say no to people. I'm a work in progress too, but with Al-Anon I am moving forward, not backwards
