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Hey everyone...past week has been a rollercoaster for me. I set some major boundaries and it was so hard to! He left me alone for a few days, then today the texts started, like "nice to know ya". Not long after the calls started. I took a few until I realized that he had to have been drinking to be talking this way and he kept saying hurtful things. Blaming me for everything. Blaming me for dating someone else last year when we were broken up. Blaming me, blaming me, blaming me.
He called about 30 times and I ignored them all and sent a text that said when he was not in the current state ( I didn't say drunk because he would have flipped) I will talk to him, but I will not be spoken to that way. He was telling me how he could go have sex with any girl he wanted and maybe he will and how I was a scumbag for being with someone else when I belonged to him.
I just don't understand why he hangs up on me, then calls me right back. The old me would have called him back as soon as he hung up, but the new me choses to say no. Its so hard guys I know that nothing is going to change unless I have to courage to change something, but I wish it didn't hurt so bad. I hate having to turn my back on him crying and telling me how much he loves me and how he can't live wihtout me....but then he says all those hurtful things too. I just need some support tonight
Hi I dont know your situation at all. Not sure if you are planning to get back with this man or not...but I used to get a lot of abusive calls and texts from an ex of mine....and he was meant to be on a program...anyway in the end even though it was hassle for me to inform everyone...I finally had enough and changed my number....it was the only way I could get some peace. Im really sorry that you are in pain and hope it passes soon.
I am sorry you are hurting. Hearing the blame game can hurt even when we know it is not true or rational. Placing boundaries, self care and stepping off the merry go round is not turning your back on anyone. It is taking responsibility for personal choices, serenity and happiness. You did a great job of maintaining your boundaries and taking a step towards the life you want to have. Hugs.
II can relate. I stop answering or listening after 3 calls these days. I now realize hurt people hurt people until they decide to get themselves help, until then I am working my own recovery and refuse to be owned or abused any longer. I am sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
The way I understand it, addicts are in a lot of pain, and causing turmoil distracts them from the pain. Also they have not learned how to take responsibility for their own situations, so when they feel bad, they think, "Who is to blame?" And it's someone they've been close to, and/or whoever's available to serve as the punching-bag of the moment. It shows that they really and truly are insane. The Al-Anon slogan QTIP -- Quit Taking It Personally -- can help us here. Because it really doesn't have anything to do with what the relationship was really like. It's all about them acting out their pain in destructive ways.
It also shows us how crazy their thinking really is. You were so wise not to engage. It sounds as if he's deep in the insanity of alcoholism. And your boundary-setting might mean that he should ask himself, "What about my behavior has prompted her to set boundaries and take care of herself?" Rather than do that, they will wage war.
I agree you don't have to listen or answer the phone. All you can do is work your own recovery put the focus back on you. You are worth it and you do not have to put up with unacceptable behavior.
Hugs p :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
My wise sponsor has often said, "If you don't dance with him, the dance is over when it's just one dancing."
I used to "dance" with my AH time and time again over the phone. When I finally took the time to "say what I mean, mean what I say, and not say it mean," and stopped calling him back when he hung up on me, things soon started to change and serenity began to enter my life.
I try to stay away from "Crazytown" now whenever I'm invited to visit. Serenity is a much better place to be.
Some wise person on this board posted the following wise words and I copied and pasted them into my online journal. Seems like it might be of help to you as well:
7/13/11 There is nothing wrong with getting off the "Roller Coaster", and good awareness that you remember what the ride was like. He's offering you a free ticket to climb back on, not wanting to lose what he has already lost. But nothing changes when nothing changes...... it's the same old same old. Keep taking care of yourself and never feel guilty when you put yourself first.....It's always the next right thing to do.
Not saying you should...but you could also set boundaries on him threatening to have sex with other women and accusing you of cheating when you didn't. All of that is emotional abuse and you don't have to tolerate that either. "But I love you" does not take away the sting from having those things done to you.
Just keep turning to your HP and remember you are worth being treated well and you are worth treating yourself well.
I know that nothing is going to change unless I have to courage to change something, but I wish it didn't hurt so bad. I hate having to turn my back on him crying and telling me how much he loves me and how he can't live wihtout me....but then he says all those hurtful things too. I just need some support tonight