Just a week ago I recieved an email from him.  He said everything I wanted to hear.  This of course was after a a few weeks of not seeing each other, just emails,  him mostly cutting me down in his very what he assumed underhanded way.  So he emails me and tells me how much he misses me,  he Loves me,  love with a capital L,  I'm the coolest person he ever met,  he is so lonely without me.  Blah blah blah,  I am ashamed to admit I bought it.  I really don't have the timeline right on this one, maybe it was longer ago,   the days seem to all bunch up together.  That night a phone call,  very nice and of course plans to get together,  which he cancles because  I said something about wanting to be respected and loved or something very silly like that.  Next week , another call to get together with another flimsy excuse to cancel. 

Bleh!!!!  Then he starts a big fight with me because I had my dog spayed,  apparently that was some slight to him,  as I knew he wanted to breed his dog with mine.  But of course we never talked about it,  he said she is my dog and I can do whatever I want.  You get the picture, the set up.  A slurry of emails ,  calling me every name in the book,  telling me how I destroyed him, on and on and on.  I was doing really well and then today,  I just feel so lost and ashamed,  as if it really is my fault,  intellectually I know it's not, but emotionally I again, and ashamed to say, that I miss him,  that there is something inside of me that wants his validation and approval.  I know I have done nothing wrong, that he is a drunk and he is abusive,  in every aspect of the word,  the only thing he hasn't done is stuck me, but that threat has been made. 

Uggggg  I hate this.  I am a very smart, happy, stable, loving person who is respected and loved by my family and friends. I'm sooo sad.