The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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so i've missed the majority of my meetings for that last almost several days .. I went to one this morning .. I have another on Sunday and one on Monday evening.. So much of the learning has been interesting .. I'm tired this week; nearly to the point of feeling overwhelmed by many unavoidable circumstances on my end. this week things really started catching up with me .. I went to work and the last couple of weeks have been great but i was really feeling off this week .. I didn't want to socialise but I had to; I was working with my boss, etc .. It was uncomfortable because what was going on (i think) was she was feeling the effect my tiredness and isolated feelings were giving her, but then again I was projecting and playing God again as if I know for certain what was going on .. the one thing I know about insanity as in unclear thinking is that paranoia and insanity go hand in hand .. even if i were right in my projection, I went to the meeting this morning and spoke to a member who said to me, you can't project what you don't have ..
this is so true and it's an honest 4th step in that I need to search myself honestly and fearlessly .. as much as i would love to project joy, serenity, peacekeeping, kindness, what I had in me in that day was sheer exhaustion .. I also recognise I am still after all these years feeling the effects of the family disease .. i have many tools with good days and bad and sometimes I have the tools but i'm afraid to use them .. I still don't think deep down i have the same rights as others .. I do know this is an illusion but a very strong one .. it's the grips of the disease .. we're powerless over the effects of alcoholism and i'll say it again as i've typed in here before .. Growing up I was powerless over how i was effected by all of the neglect, criticisms, shame, etc.. just sayin .. it was what it was .. it's ok to take another's inventory if it will help me and as long as i'm not judging the why it happeneds, etc.. it's not judging to see what's there .. for me to think i could have walked out with better people skills, more joy, happiness to spread was another illusion .. it was impossible for me to do this because the effects were shame, low self esteem, impaired social skills, etc.. and the list goes on .. i am still projecting these but not all the time ..
i've heard others talk about the fear of what others think sometimes .. i know i have shared on that myself .. i always assume it's the worst but the crazy part is this .. i went to a meeting once and the topic was Think .. I realised I always thought i was the one that would think, think, think .. i realised finally i never did think .. what I did was obssess .. for literallly years on every negative or bad thing (i judged as bad) that was done or said .. i could hear 95 compliments and 1 criticism and i would Still obssess on the one negative .. what i realise with the projecting is when i am projecting my fear of what others Think .. what I'm really doing is projecting my fear of obssession and thinking Others too will obssess on my One negative mood or day for years to come which is why when that obssession piece comes in sometimes it's very hard to believe it will pass or that things Can change ..
I do however have enough recovery in me to know there is wisdom and a gift behind every burden and defect .. I also know that even if the whole thing blew up in my face, I would still have recovery and wisdom and still be growing .. i wouldn't be a failure and wouldn't admit it because I recognise the elephant in the rooms wherever i am .. the Effects of alcoholism .. it would have been impossible for me to come any other way than what i did .. it's a painful process but sharing what's on my heart and in my mind really is the key to my recovery ..
It's not easy to come in here and share with the level of honesty I sometimes do but that's the length I'm willing to go to in order to find my recovery .. the biggest gift I am receiving in this program is that the shame of sharing is going away .. it is what it is .. shame is only there when we don't know what's wrong ..
any words of comfort would be greatly appreciated; i work again on monday and have never been so tired .. i'm giving round the clock care to one who can't care for themselves .. no comlpaints but it's wearing .. need to get my own rest or i won't be much good for me or others, etc..
also hoping this really is a safe place for me to share being the Internet and all, but it is also a fellowship. At the end of the day it would still lead me to growth and as I typed above, it doesn't bother me near as much as it used to because the shame piece in being honest is healing .. little by little, one day at a time .. I am not ashamed of what i've been through, what I share, or where I go but every now and then I still feel the vulnerability. What it really is if I'm honest is I've lived with judgment my entire life and when I talked people would either make sarcastic jokes through their own embarrassment due to the level of honesty in my shares back then or they would look at me with eyes that say who told you, you could talk; you always talk stupid .. I used to Always think their saying it was about me but today I'm recognising their effects as well ..
Thank you for allowing me to share in the gift of honesty, wisdom & healing ..
Thank You Metwo2 for your courage and honesty. My recovery in alanon began when I decided to share from the heart and let go of my fear of judgement and criticism.
I found that in the meetings my honesty and my new tools of saying what I mean without saying it mean was a powerful form of communication. Another great tool for communications is that : I finally believed that I was entitled to an opinion!!!! The alanon statement that says " The opinions expressed here is strictly that of the person who gave it." That opened my eyes to the entire world of communications. In the rooms and out I am entitled to an opinion and I do not have to justify,explain, argue or defend my position.
You are finding your voice and what a powerful voice that is Keep showing up allow yourself to be human, it is the road to true serenity.
I too can be very honest with my shares and sometimes my mind plays tricks and tells me oh I should not have shared that etc. However I try and push it aside the shame, fear etc any one who judges me is sick. It is easy to judge another. I pat myself on the back for having the courage to look at myself and to share from the heart.
What others think of me is none of my business. Today I am more interested in what I think of myself and I am bigging to love and care for me instead of the whole world. take care you are worth it.
thanks to you both very much .. there are times I feel incredibly vulnerable but i remember my sponsor Always telling me .. when we don't share we rob ourselves of our own recovery .. i used to tell her i was one of the sickest people in alanon and she who shares honest too said to me what hit home and i what i won't forget .. i don't know if it's that we're one of the sickest or one of the most honest .. i needed to hear that for me .. it gave me the courage to keep going, but there are times I need a little reboost .. I seem to be in a place where I do keep sharing the same things .. I'm ok with that .. In here I can do the same thing over and over expect a new result and get it Every time .. when i feel that ole wanting to explain and make excuses start in on me then i know i'm heading back into insanity ..
I do know i'm finding my voice and will never find it just like that .. it's little by little meeting by meeting .. just like myself .. i will never wake up one day and find myself entirely .. not even God .. it's all little by little .. I find pieces everyday ..
Thank you for giving me the courage again this morning to keep going and to keep coming .. ((hugs to you both )) & hotrod, thank you for that .. I realised through your share it's the process i was beginning to doubt .. I have to trust it is just a piece of the process .. what's waiting on the other side is worth my moving through this ..
MeTwo2, I can strongly relate to your post. I wanted to thank you for being so honest about this. Your post really helped me feel that I am not alone in this and that I am going to keep sharing and working my program. Sending you much support!
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It is very difficult to have a pity party when I am celebrating all the gratitude I have in my life!
It will aither work out, . . . or, . . . It will work out."
