The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm truly at a loss. I want my marriage with AH to be over, but I cannot leave.
The short version is this:
I was a professional, just starting out, and had three children from a previous marriage. I met my AH at work, and he is 18 years older than me. I was very naive (even at 30), because I had never been exposed to an alcoholic. At first, he was amazing. He was super successful and had the qualities that I thought I needed. I ignored the warning signs, like his grown children who will not speak to him.
My children were 2, 6, and 10 when we got married. The drinker, who at one time just showered me with affection, turned into a monster who verbally abused me. We would have our fights, I would take the kids and leave, if he would let me, or I would try to keep him quiet enough not to wake them. This started happening every weekend, as he still had his work during the week.
Then came our daughter. She is the most beautiful child, always smiling and happy. So at 9 months, she started turning a little yellow, and I took her into the minor emergency, where we found out she was in acute liver failure and needed a transplant. I had to stay at the hospital, two hours from our home, for three months. It was emotionally devastating for me, especially since AH decided that it was time to become a daily drinker. He got a DUI while we were in ICU. On the days he was supposed to be caring for the kids, they would call because "he won't wake up and we're hungry".
Now, I am home with baby and she's doing great but, she can't be in daycare, and requires medicine at certain times, so I have had to quit my career to care for her. AH stays gone for days on end now, and there are times I worry I won't have enough money to buy milk.
I want out, but that just isn't a possibility right now. My parents are no longer an option for me because of health reasons, and safety issues with the baby, and financially, they are barely making it now themselves.
So, I have accepted that I am stuck. But I cannot practice detachment as well when AH begins his verbal assaults, which are now starting to involve the kids. This is killing me. My children are afraid of him when he drinks, and frankly, so am I. It's not that I'm scared he will be physical, but the name calling, and the accusations (like I honestly could even think about another relationship) are things that I don't know how to explain to an 8 and 5 year old.
I have never felt so depressed, hopeless, or out of control in my life. I know he will not change. I know I can change my reaction to his behavior, but I cannot stand the thought of my children being exposed to this anymore.
Sorry that was so long, it was as short as I could make it. I have been reading these threads for weeks, but just cannot get to a face to face meeting with baby girl to take care of. If anyone has anything to offer, I am at the end of my rope.
I am sorry you are feeling this hopelessness right now. My niece (15 months) has had cancer treatment and surgery on her kidneys for the last 8 months. The emotions attached to watching an infant in pain are hard enough without the added stress of addiction added to the mix. It has been difficult at times when her immune system has not allowed transportation or social interaction. I imagine you may have a bit of time like that too. Face to face meetings will give you a safe place to be and oppurtunities to learn to be happy again. Not to mention the tools to live with some sanity in an insane situation. If you look for AlAnon in your local white pages and call ... there may be an option to talk or meet with someone that fits your needs at this time. Give it a try
Some of my favorite literature Books How AlAnon Works Getting Them Sober
Pamphlets Merry Go Round of Denial
Sending positive thoughts your way! Jen
-- Edited by Jennifer on Friday 16th of March 2012 09:27:34 AM
I am so very sorry for the difficult situation that you are living with and glad that you have found us and reached out.
You are not alone and thee is hope Alanon Face to face meetings, do help to break the isolation and provide support that is necessary when living with this situation. The constructive tools you will learn will enable you to make choices that work for your family
Please check out meetings in the white pages of the telephone directory
Thee is a way out, however we suggest that you make no major life changes for the first 6 months you are in program unless you are in a situation of danger. Name calling yelling at or in front of the children irrational behavior are all forms of emotional abuse.We in Al-Anon do not give advice, but realize the importance of not accepting violence or dangerous situations, which may cause harm to our children or us. If you are in a situation like this please do not hesitate to call the police or having some kind of plan to protect yourself.
The following are some numbers that may help:
Battered Womens Justice Project: 1-800-903-0111. National Organization for Victims Assistance: 1-800-879-6682 National Resource Center for Domestic Violence: 1-800-537-2238 US Domestic Violence Hotline/ General Information: 1-800-799-7233
You and your family are worth it
-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 16th of March 2012 09:30:24 AM
You have a lot on your plate I hope you will consider going to a meeting. We have a lady in our group who has a baby she brings that is 9 months old and has health issues at the moment. Please don't let that stop you from going to a meeting. There are lots of meetings who do welcome people with children.
Keep coming back and keep reading,
Hugs p :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Oh, this sounds so painful. I am sending you support and compassion. I, too, hope you can get to a face to face meeting, even if that means bringing your baby. You, and therefore your children, can really benefit from the support, understanding, and education that the meetings have to offer. Please know you are not alone. I am really thinking about you and hope you keep coming back!
Trust me, when the other members hear you story, they will have no problem with your baby girl being with you. FAR BETTER that you go to alanon and bring her with you than to not go at all. I can see how you would feel very stuck in this situation. You are facing some serious upheaval if you choose to separate. If would be financially devastating. Child support would probably not be relaible right? There are systems in place to help mothers like you and you would need to rely on those until you got back on your feet. That might include medicaid and food stamps but it can be done. I certainly recognize what a difficult spot this is for you and I can't really tell you for sure what is best cuz I'm not walking in your shoes. I do think you can get to an alanon meeting even if it involves taking all 4 of your kids with you.
I'm so sorry this has all happened. I think you might benefit from consulting a lawyer. Your husband is dangerous and getting more so, and your children are in a difficult situation, as you appreciate. If your husband is a successful man (as far as career goes), as you say, there may be alimony/child support possibilities. It is worth finding out what those options are from a lawyer who knows their way around challenging situations. I hope you can also find a meeting. You need more options, and I hope they will present themselves soon. Hugs.
Hi I am so glad you got the courage to share your story.
I find it hard to reach out for help I work and rear kids while living with a;lcohlism and understand how hard it is. throw in to the mix a crisis such as children with ill health its amazing how we caring on.
I have had stages were I have felt hopeless, were I just wanted a helping hand.
I lost my home etc .
However today thanks to al non I have a new home, I am working and my kids are getting better too. there is hope. Do not feel alone reach out as the others have express ring your loca;l al non group and explain your situation.
the best thing I ever did for myself and my kids was start to attend al anon meetings.
Do not forget this site is always here for you to share your experiences and get some strength and hope,
I read all the responses this morning and just started crying. It just feels different when it's your story being responded to. But after the tears, i smiled a real smile. Maybe its the absurdity of the whole situation, or maybe i just needed to cry. Some days are better than others, and I know today I will be stronger. So thank you for listening to me, and being kind enough to respond. It meant the world to me not to feel alone.
I hope you will seek help from not only Al Anon, but those systems available to women in your situation. I was you about 6-7 years ago, but minus the alcohol - just the abuse, no income, stuck.
There are programs for a reason, people care and donate and want to be sure women like you don't feel stuck. I hope you will search them out. WEAVE is a great program if you have one in your area. WIC will help you get food with your kids. I think seeking Medicaid and whatever you can to not worry about food is essential. It's ok to ask for help in a time like this, it's there for this reason.
Big hugs - feeling stuck creates horrible feelings of helplessness, depression and dispair, I know all too well.
II felt trapped in my marriage with kids involved. Al-anon meetings and my sponsor helped me to get stronger and even to start enjoying life. I am sending you love and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Lucky .. I've been through much of this with my own xah .. he is gone now .. i have no idea what's in your future but with having children, I wish i had been keeping documents of everything that led to a separation .. not trying to project into the future; it's just when they have a short lived change of heart or mind in the future, it's hard on the kids that sometimes get put in the middle .. i used to believe I would never be out but for me, when my higher power went to work, we split with a sense of power I had never known before .. In short, I know higher power did for us what we could not do for ourselves .. 11 years I was powerless then wow .. we tried separating and always coming back together; there was no way i felt i could leave .. today i know there is no way we would reunite Unless xah had a spiritual insight into himself and made a decision towards change and self honesty .. there are different levels of recovery & different levels of relationship.. none of us could truly live with the shallow level we were living on ..
It's never easy and there is pain but what I'm finding today is the only way out is through .. with higher power's hand in fellowship .. (( hugs to you keep sharing ))
I also brought my daughter at a young age to alanon and the members there were so loving and supportive .. there are some that might tell you they need to take a group conscience and that's ok but usually it works out .. please look into getting the help .. in my esh only .. i could see the effects the addiction was having on my partner and that he was getting sick, but I could not see how sick i was getting through the process myself ..
I'm not sure where you are but you can certainly attend the al anon meetings here and there are other resources online. Many of us have online sponsors and do a lot virtually.
So many of us come here feeling stuck. Next month it will be 5 years since I left the now ex A. I left him when I was penniless and had no job. I lined up a lot of resources for myself.
I don't doubt there are resources at the hospital where your baby goes. See a social worker there say you are looking for a way out through separation. Look at what you can line up. For many of us doing a plan be stops the terror and the worry associated with leaving. What do you need to leave, money, a place, resources. Work out what those are.
I know when I left the now ex A I had no idea how I would do things. Initially I left my two dogs with him. Eventually I went and got the dogs, things lined up when I made a decision I was going to take them.
Of course all of us have been through a wringer in alcoholism. Alcoholism robs all of us of so much. I know there is tremendous recovery in this room and hope you will continue to reach out for it.
