Beginning the Journey, I think - Al-Anon Family Group

hicktownmom · Member

Beginning the Journey, I think

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Sending you hugs and support! Have you thought about finding an Al Anon meeting for yourself?
One thing we've all learned here is that you can't change them. If he quits drinking for you, will he resent you and your involvement and control in his life? Some people(like my AH would) and some wouldn't(like my stepdad, he lets my mom run his life, lol). Anyway, you have to understand that he has to WANT sobriety for himself, not for you. He has to want it so badly that he is willing to commit to a program.

I would recommend that you find your own recovery program and that you put the focus on yourself and your children. Even when they quit drinking, there will still be issues and control problems in the relationship. You may find yourself wanting to control HIS recovery. Every one of us deserves the dignity to be allowed to make our own mistakes and to take responsibility for them. We are adults and should be given that respect even if we are veering off the rails and out of control. Believe me, I'm learning this lesson as I type. My AH has been alcohol free for 4 weeks without using a program of recovery and it's been the hardest weeks of our marriage so far. Al Anon and these message boards are helping me keep things in perspective.

As for being honest with the counselors, I can tell you that while active in the addiction mode my AH was never honest with anybody including himself. It's just part of the disease.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I second what Ilovedogs suggested because that is what I did and that is what worked for me and for all of the people who were in the room to receive me. Alcoholism is more powerful than you and him, combined or separate. Drinking is his habit and so it is very very powerful and usual for him. To suggest letting go of something so powerful in his life and behaviors will get a No!! response and reaction. Learn as much as you can about alcoholism because you are beginning to face a disease that is thousands of years old. It isn't addiction to milk and were not talking willingness to change. You and he are up against a mind and mood altering chemical which he has been using on a regular basis which he thinks he got control over and is the root substance in a fatal disease. If he chooses to do nothing I pray you choose to follow up on ILD's suggestion. And keep coming back here cause there are many solid recovering members who have been where you are at now and survived it and are better off for it. (((((hugs))))) smile

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I third what Ilovedogs stated :) Also, try and detach a bit. He didn't drink for 1 night. He is going to be grouchy - more than grouchy. Steer clear for the most part, don't accept any kind of abuse, but expect he will be moody and try not to take it personal. If he seems grouchy, maybe just give him a hug and say you know this isn't easy for him and you are proud of him. Doing things a bit different will produce different results. Something got to him because at least he is trying to stop and went along with the treatment idea. If he can kick the dependency on booze he will learn to appreciate the freedom that gives. I truly did quit drinking for myself. However, I quit smoking cuz I wanted to date someone that didn't like smokers (pretty codependent of me huh?). Anyhow, once I quit smoking, I realized how much better off I was regardless of the fact that the reason I did it was no longer there. We do say in AA that there is NEVER a bad reason to be at a meeting or in treatment. Some info will seep in even if someone is court ordered there.

hicktownmom · Member

Well, he must've gone to the counsellor this morning because he handed me a phone message written on the back of an info sheet about over-the-counter medications that have alcohol in them.

I'm afraid to even ask about it, but I'm also dying to know. I want him to feel in control of the whole thing.

When the kids and I stopped for a snack this afternoon, I picked up a Green Tea for him (a favorite non-alcoholic drink) and offered it to him when we got home. He declined, but I did see him grab a soda...that's a step.

I will look for some local Al-Anon meetings. It's strange, but as I listen to you all describe alcoholism, I feel like you're describing a demon that has set up shop inside my AH. It's a bit daunting.

I am going to give him space. I will try not to ask about the counsellor. Thing is, I know that he won't mention it to me unless I ask. Argh.

Patience...

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I hope you are able to find local face to face meetings in your area. It sounds like a great start on your journey! Sending you love and support!

hicktownmom · Member

I couldn't help it. I asked him about it.

He said it went the way he figured it would.

I asked him what he meant...he said that the guy asked a lot of questions and then said, "Well, I think we can help you."

I asked him what he recommended. The counselor recommended treatment. "Of course" added my AH.

I asked him what he meant...he said that of course the guy would recommend treatment because he wants to get paid. Argh!

I asked him what he was going to do. He answered that he was going to do treatment but that we have to wait until our health insurance is processed (we're getting new insurance). He told the dr that he was sure I would call the minute we had our ID number.

I told him that I cannot do it for him. That he has to make the decision...I can only help if he asks me to. And then I stopped because it started feeling like an argument that I would never win.

We rarely argue...but in the last two days, I feel like he's just itching for a fight with me. God grant me the grace I need to allow him his feelings without allowing them to hurt me.

I can see this is going to be hard.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Your husband said the exact same thing my AH would say: Everyone wants his money, and they don't really want to help him get better. My AH is not in a program. He is quitting using his own willpower which is so strong he says. To which I say: Hmm, if your willpower is so strong, then why did you start drinking after 15 years of sobriety and why did it get out of control? You obviously can't control it, it controls you. Now, did I actually SAY these things to him? Nope. I went to a meeting and shared with my group. Felt a whole lot better, too, LOL! Keep coming back and sharing, it does get better one day at a time!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

The answer for you is Al Anon. His jouney is his own.

It's not going to do anything but make him resent you and you don't want that!

So Al Anon teaches us how to live with the A with tools that do work. We learn his drinking or whatever is totally his business. We did not cause it, we cannot control it, we cannot cure it.

Its a disease, not curable, and as time goes on it progressively gets worse and worse as it breaks down the body.

I learned to never talk about it. If he brought it up I would say it is totally up to you. I love you just how you are.

If you guys were getting along that is huge. "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drew, volume one is a GREAT book that I promise would help you. amazon has used ones.

Keep coming, you are going to need us, and we need you too!

love,debilyn

danni · Senior Member

I hope you can find your way to a face to face meeting. The meetings really helped me understand what my role was and recognize when my "helping" was actually hurting the situation. Sending you tremendous support! You don't need to go through this alone, and you are not alone.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Friendly reminder: AA meetings are free.

hicktownmom · Member

Question:

We're now at day 5 without alcohol...as far as I can tell. He hasn't talked to me about it at all. He actually hasn't talked to me about much of anything. He comes home from work, turns on his computer, and disappears until long after I go to bed. He talks to me or the kids if we ask him a question. He sits down to dinner with us. But he's so incredibly withdrawn.

Is this the way it starts? Is this the way it stays?

Today I was hugging him and told him that I could hear his heartbeat. Then it went quiet. He said that he didn't have much heart left. What does that mean?!?!? Is he mad at me? Is he depressed? Is he beaten? What do I do?

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.