Being an introvert in alanon - Al-Anon Family Group

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Being an introvert in alanon

daisy31 · Veteran Member

Is anyone here an introvert? I am now realizing that that is why I am having a hard time with some shares in alanon. My thoughts are stuck in my head and body and yet I cannot organize them in a understandable way in the f2f meetings. I also take a while to process things others say in the meetings and have to write them dowm to remember how I want to respond to what they say.

Also, do you ever compare yourselves to others in the program? There are a couple of ladies that are really nice but I just feel insecure around them and we are complete opposites...It must be triggering some feelings of inadequasy. I feel so insecure around them, they seem to know everything and are perfectionists and I am SO laid back and go with the flow person.

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

There are several in my group who have stated that it took them a year to talk. It takes time to develop any kind of comfort level if you are an introvert. I have several friends who are very introverted, and my complete opposite. I love them dearly and they help balance me.

Sending hugs and support, be gentle with you, know that if they seem nice they probably are and remember the greeting in the meeting, (paraphrasing since I can't remember verbatim) we might not all show the love we have for you but we love you in our own special ways...

Very Very Tired · Senior Member

I'm an introvert. I live in my head and have some lovely conversations there.

When it comes time to speak, sometimes my words get jumbled. I have found that surrendering to my HP before a meeting helps me tremendously. During the quiet moment before my regular meeting, I simply pray: "God, help me hear what I need to hear and say what I need to say because I don't know what those things are." Sometimes my sharing comes easier than other times. I have found that the longer I am in the program, the easier the sharing has become.

As far as people in meetings who are complete opposites... yep, got a few of those in the meetings I attend. But, one of those "opposites" gently pulled me aside before one meeting and shared something that made me realize we weren't so opposite: we were living very similar lives with different outward manifestations.

The more I can open my heart and mind in meetings, the more I learn.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I am extroverted but live in my head a lot. I want you to know even those ladies that seem to have it all together are attending Al-anon meetings just like the rest of us. I tend to try to figure people out and find myself not good enough and I have learned that I don't need to judge my situations that way any longer. The old ways don't work for me any longer. I am working the steps with my sponsor right now and am finally feeling worthy! I am sending you love and support!

danni · Senior Member

Sending you support! I have a meeting with lots of long time recovery in it. It is a wonderful meeting, but I was feeling insecure about my shares and my interactions before and after meetings. I realized that in addition to social anxiety going way back, I was judging people's shares in my own mind--thinking about how others might be feeling or thinking about another's share. Once I realized this, I was able to tell myself "listen" when I found myself judging. Then it became easier for me to share without as much worry. Basicially, the more I internally judge or admire another's share, the more difficult it was for me to share. Now that I am working on just listening and not "rating" the shares, I am able to share a little more comfortably. Hope this helps!

usedtobeanyer · Senior Member

I'm very much an introvert and had a really hard time with meetings for a long time. One thing that made a huge difference for me was finding a new meeting. The meeting I started with was huge, roughly 50+ people every week. And it was very difficult for me to speak in front of this group (for me, a lot of that had to do with the fact that I've never been comfortable sharing what I was feeling because of growing up in an alcoholic home. Taking off my "mask" was very hard to do). Anyway, I ultimately found a meeting that was smaller and easier for me to deal with. And the format of this meeting is different and everyone shares each week--so I knew I had to share, whether I wanted to or not.

So you may want to consider shopping around to see if you find something more comfortable. Otherwise, just give it time and be patient with yourself, there is no timetable for this...

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

I am an introvert but today, most people wouldn't know it. Al-anon gave me confidence. I can speak to a group now, but for many years, I could not.

I remember telling my sponsor that I was an introvert, I just couldn't go to all those meetings or group events. She cautioned me to watch out, it was my disease talking....

My disease LOVES to isolate me from the group so that my brain can feed on lies and obsessions, there's no one around to catch it. It keeps me stuck because a sick mind cannot cure a sick mind.

Today, being an introvert to me only means that I get tired of being social after about 4 hours, lol. If I attach anything more "serious" to it, yep.......

that's my disease talking

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

I am definitely an introvert. Many think that if one is shy, than one is an introvert. Shyness, in my book, is not part of introversion.

My job has required me to stand up in front of a large group and speak. This doesn't bother me as long as I feel that what I have to say is beneficial to the listeners.

I enjoy contemplating things of interest, exploring thoughts, ideas and feelings. I think deeply, think of all the angles as much as possible before I respond. I rarely like conversations regarding triviality. I enjoy my women friends, but prefer them one at a time. I rarely go out with more than 1 or 2 friends at a time.

I enjoy social gatherings for about an hour. However, thereafter I feel very drained energy-wise and if able, I seek solitude to recharge my batteries. I am also very highly sensitive in that I pick up on others vibes easily. This can be very draining.

At meetings, I can been rather quiet. When I speak, it's usually from the heart and not the head. When I speak from the heart, words come without effort.

Regarding comparing myself with others. Yes, I have done that a lot in years past. But I seldom do now. And when I catch myself comparing, I remind myself how unfair that is.

Not certain if this helps you.

Oksie · Senior Member

I am not sure I really believe in 'introvert and extravert' as such, or as a way of defining our personalities. Being shy is not being an introvert. Usually I will listen to what a person who could be classed as an introvert has to say because I know its not just trivial waffling like my conversations can be hahahahaha.

I am an educator and have been on stage performing etc etc.... I can do that with confidence, I can speak to students and 'teach' them, I am a counsellor and speak with people all the time.

I am too scared to talk to people at a party. I sit in the corner unless I know everyone.

I force myself to be gregarious at times because that is the expectation.

I know there is no way I could speak in a meeting....

I think it can be the situation that makes us introverted or extraverted at that time in that environment.

As you become more comfortable with the people, the program and get further into your healing.. I think it may change for you.

I too look around and think.. what will people think of me if I say something. My Mum had a saying "better to sit quietly and let people think you are a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt" I am positive my Mum did not make that one up but I don't know the origin sorry.

BEfore I say something even in a staff meeting.. my palms get sweaty, my heart beats out of my throat, I am sure my neck veins pulse and I go bright red. But I can stand up in front of a class of 30 and teach all day, and I used to dance in front of crowds of 100's (in a group of dancers).

Give it time, don't push yourself.... being there is important too.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs,

I am painfully aware of my awkwardness in groups. Now I can get up and do speeches (those are planned out and I have a script) and things of that nature however .. give me a group of people and I have to talk umm .. not so much. Usually I'm speaking and looking at the floor. I tend to do that in the meetings I attend. I think that's also from sharing from the heart and not wanting to look up and feel rejected even though I logically know that's not going to happen sometimes it just is hard for me to keep the eye contact that way.

Taking down Do Not Enter Signs for me is something that I'm working on big time. The nice thing is it's a door and I can choose to let someone in or not. It is up to me who comes within my personal space. At least this for me gives me a sense of safety.

Don't sweat not speaking there are a lot of people who have experienced that .. I know I can articulate what I want to say on a one to one basis and it's good stuff .. lol .. however when I talk in the group I ramble and I feel like I don't make sense .. everyone still is gracious and sometimes I still say something good .. LOL!

None of the changes I've gone through have happened over night it's been over a year of alanon and a lot of work on myself. So it gets better just keep coming back!!!

Hugs P :)

daisy31 · Veteran Member

wow, thank you all for sharing your ES&H. I made sure to read all of your responses yesterday right before my meeting and it was amazing how much better I felt.

Hotrod, I love the "Compare and Despair" slogan, that is so right on!

I am going to refer back to the post often because it is really helpful to me.

Thanks for the support everyone.

Oksie · Senior Member

When I get great responses like that... I print them out and keep them in my drawer at work for future reference.

Dolly Llama · Senior Member

I am an introvert. Sometimes I have something in my heart I want to share and I sort of keep the "bullet points" in my mind before a meeting. If I feel like speaking, I can recall one of my bullet points and then it starts flowing from there.

There is nothing wrong with jotting down something you want to remember. (Just be sure to honor everyone's anonymity)

You can also say nothing at all until you are comfortable. Sometimes I am not comfortable talking in a big meeting.

Just remember- you are there for YOU, not anyone else. So what, if someone doesn't like you or what you said. You are in different places in recovery. Maybe something you say will have an impact on someone else, or be just the thing they needed to hear. I have remembered seemingly insignificant snippets others have shared in meetings for years and years! Just be open and absorb the healing energy...

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.