The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I quit using alcohol, pot and cocaine years ago and have been in AA since then. I went through the steps and had a spiritual awakening. That took me out of denial and I realized my family is far from perfect. In fact, I have non-drinking but very selfish, narcissistic parents and some other very sick family members, and I've been their scapegoat all since I was about 12, if not earlier.
My tendencies are to never trust my insincts and to allow others to treat me however they see fit. I have allowed myself to be abused by all kinds of people over and over and over. Sometimes I push back but when they push back harder I buckle, apologizing for myself. This got much better for a while after the step work but my patterns began to repeat again.
I have been emotionally exhausted for about 10 years and haven't been able to work, so I am at the mercy of my parents financially. No matter how much hard work I do in AA (and I do a lot of it - I have notebooks upon notebooks of work and read 5 meditation books a day and pray and work with others) I just am not sleeping. In fact, I'm so wiped out I have huge bags under my eyes and can hardly get to the supermarket for food.
I made amends to my parents and paid them back the $ I stole from them as a teenager. I don't tell them what they "did to me". I am the best daughter I can be.
My father for has become incredibly successful over the years. Every other month or so I ask him for a few hundred dollars, as I am completely stuck and can't make ends meet because of my exhaustion. I make all kinds of apologies for myself, saying how bad I feel about asking, because I do. I want my own life badly - but I can't get any rest. Sometimes he gives it as long as I don't want anything emotional from him but other times he begins chaotic arguments with me in order to get relief for his anxiety. Then I go out into my adult life and repeat that chaos in my own relationships. This arguing and anxiety over things became a norm when I was about 12 and my paretns began fighting. Also, we have a silent agreement is that he will help me with $ if I allow my mother to manipulate me so SHE can get relief for HER anxiety. Needless to say, I am an incredibly anxious person carrying all this for everyone.
I receive disability, utility assistance, and have applied for housing (the wait is very long). I am angry about this because I am very intelligent and capable of so much in life. But with no rest I can't see a way out. I am planning to begin attending Alanon to see if it can help. As well, I have a lot of problems with other AAs, almost feeling like they re-trigger my parental issues. I do not want to be babied, I am willing to do whatever work is necessary, but I do hope the Alanoners will be a less manipulative and that i can make a few new friends who are interested in healing and a spiritual way of living.
Any advice or insight is greatly appreciated.
-- Edited by WorkingThroughIt on Thursday 15th of March 2012 03:15:38 AM
Yes, Al-Anon can help. Of course, it can help. Get yourself to meetings and find out. Try out lots of meetings. They have different people attending and different points of view throughout the Al-Anon program. They all can help you.
My parents were also non drinkers. I assumed it came through the church teachings that we belonged to. I know, now, that there is alcoholism in our family history, and in fact, my brother was drinking huge amounts of whiskey every day when he died of a heart attack at age 65. I think, also, that my mother just naturally followed the Al-Anon program, and for that I am very grateful. I don't know if she ever went to a meeting, but it is the way I was raised. There is a lot of common sense in Al-Anon.
Congratulations on your many years of sobriety. I am glad that you reached out and shared your story.
Yes Alanon can help.!!! In Alanon we do not give advise, instead we support each other as we recover from the effects of this deadly disease.
In alanon we learn to :
Break the Isolation by attending Meetings, Support each other by listening and offering alanon tools to consider using during difficult times. We clearly focus on ourselves, Live one Day at a Time,Trusting a Higher Power
Please check out face to face meetings in your community at this site:
There is something called a "hostile dependency" This develops when we have to rely on people (parents often) and we don't want to. It's clear that you would rather just not need them the way you do and that the fact that they have their own dysfunction makes you being dependent on them even more annoying and difficult to detach from.
I think if either of my parents ever went into a 12 step program, they could skip step 4 because I have already inventoried the hell out of both of them. I don't know what else you can do to break from them financially, but that has been critical for me. I even moved 1000 miles away. Not because I don't love them, but the dynamic is not good for me (they enable me and then I hate them for it).
By 30/40 or so - Most of us can say "My mom is nuts" or "My dad is crazy" and just accept it and love them. You guys sound like you are enmeshed to the degree this is not possible. Not sure what the solution is, as I am sure there are many parts to it and it's a complicated scenario that you described going on. I do identify with the relationship you describe with your parents. I don't think my family ever flat out scapegoated me, but there is some dynamic going on for me to be the needy screw up and part of that is on them and part of it is on me for having accepted that role for so long.
Thanks, all. I plan on going to my ACA meeting tonight and doing lots of Alanon over the weekend. Pinkchip, you're right on the money. I was responsible for myself since I was 18. Funny thing is, while I was drinking the booze enabled me to work 2 jobs and I supported myself completely, it was a way to anesthetize myself but it wasn't good either, my denial and subsequent behaviors were dangerous. I suppose many of us are in the middle of our long struggles. I would like this to be faster than it is because I've done so much work already, but all I can do is keep following directions, try new things, and follow my HP's guidance, even when i don't feel it very strongly. Acceptance. Thanks
I dont' know if this will help... but when I started going through my "healing" process. I read ALOT of self help books. There were a lot of things in my past that I had blocked and once I started reading...memories started coming through. Once I dusted them off, analyzed them, and dealt with them, I was able to put them "away" once and for all. I believe it was critical in my recovery. I feel so much stronger now. I don't know if it will help, just a suggestion for you. And also, yes, Alanon will help you. If everybody lived by the 12 step program, the world would be a pretty nice world to live in. Peace.
Thanks SS. In addition to my meditation book I am reading 2 books by independent authors on adult children stuff. I am careful about "self-help" books or anything psychiatric because I don't feel God in it. I have to stay balanced and align my power with God's principles. This is in fact a huge task i am trying to be aware of so I don't fall into victimization which believe me I can do! Thanks
yes, alanon can save lives and relationships of all kinds. I went because of the poor state of my marriage and am getting insight on that and then some. I am getting out of the program how to relate to the world in a healthy manner, which I never knew how to before. I am also learning how to take care of myself and learn to love myself. My upbringing, while not terrible, simply didn't provide me tools I need to live and be the best person I can be. there are several in my meetings that are both in AA & AlAnon and they seem to have amazing recovery, I find myself always getting so much out of their shares.
I have watched many members of AA find a new sort of recovery when they entered the rooms of Al-Anon. While the steps are all the same, the focus is completely different. I can only speak for myself that Al-Anon has helped me to grow and work through my relationships to a point where I can feel serene and happy most of the time instead of feeling in continual conflict. One of the best things I got for myself from Al-Anon was learning how to be self-supporting. The choices started to become more and more clear to me, and as I put my faith and trust in my HP that I'd be taken care of, it was less scary to step out on my own.
Hope you get to some face-to-face meetings. Keep coming back!
I first went to al-anon because of my AH and AS, but I soon discovered it was for me, the daughter of parents who grew up in alcoholic households. I suspect my mother was a secret drinker (I remember her drinking a lot when I was a teenager and then suddenly stopping. Now, she acts like a dry drunk). I was shocked and stunned by the memories that emerged as I began my program. Al-anon provided me a way to understand my past as much as it helped me bring some peace to my present.
