The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last Tuesday night, my AH and I had an intense and candid (but not ugly or abusive) conversation about his drinking. I tried to take to heart a lot of the advice in Getting Them Sober...I said what I needed to say. I wasn't mean. I was clear and direct, and I said things only once. I didn't say anything thinking it would change my AH, or suddenly make him "see the light." I know better now. But I focused our conversation on drinking and driving, and I think I stated some truths that my AH already knew: that if he gets a DUI (which will be his fourth), he will almost surely spend at least a year in state prison. I framed that in terms of our son--how much my AH would miss in our son's life, and what it would be like for our young son to visit his father in prison once a week for 1-2 years.
Since then, my AH has been trying to cut back. Obviously, he is not in recovery, he is not working a program, and at this point he is not making an attempt to quit drinking. It is my opinion that another relapse is very likely, but I know it is not my place to nag and harp on him about this, nor is it in my interest to obsess about it. I'm trying with all my might to just turn this over to his HP and continue to focus on my recovery.
I have noticed that several times over the last 10 days, when my AH is feeling low about something (usually feeling tired because of course, without 6-10 beers in his system, he is not sleeping well), he will say in a sort of sarcastic voice something like "gotta love sobriety" or "sobriety is so awesome." Until today I was staying non-committal in even acknowledging those statements. But today I asked myself, do I have enough fuel in my emotional tank to provide a little support? Yes, I do. Are my motives in providing support pure? Yes, they are. Can I be supportive in a way that does not hinder my own recovery? Yes, I can. So today, when he made the same comment, I responded with "honey, I know this is very hard for you. I just want you to know I'm proud of you." And that was that. No drawn out discussion about what he should be doing, no lecture about how important his sobriety is. Just an acknowledgement that the steps he HAS taken are putting him in a position today that is better than the position he was in two weeks ago, and an acknowledgement that these changes are difficult for him.
And now I'm giving MYSELF a pat on the back for achieving some personal growth in this area this week. Yay me! I'm spending the evening with our little boy, enjoying the beautiful weather, and then I'm going to do something for myself--read up on my new Weight Watchers plan, and set an initial goal.
Blessing Steph...from my experience with my alcoholic addict it was just about as hard or harder just wanting her to go talk with someone who knew something about sobriety or just being dry. I didn't know anything...not a snit...dumb as a stick and my body language/verbal language showed it.
Stay within your program boundaries with your HP. Hope he gets sick and tired of being sick and tired and runs off to where the alkies know how to get and stay sober. ((((hugs))))
ohh hwwwoooooowww.. you are incredible... I can hear the serenity in your post... oh.. thats just beautiful. I know that feeling when its like.. aaaahhhh this is what the program is all about.. riiiiiiiiiighhhhtt.. got it.
oh, for me, when I had a good post like that, I printed it out and kept in my drawer at work. I go back and read them sometimes like little reminders to myself. I have all sorts of stuff from this board in that little folder.
Oksie, I LOVE that idea! I'm totally going to steal it, and start keeping those reminders handy for me, too.
Jerry, I would love nothing more for my AH to have people he could go to for support in sobriety. Unfortunately, he's just not there yet. But I refuse to allow that to bust through my own boundaries. When I have the emotional energy to provide healthy, detached support, I am happy to do so. But I'm done sacrificing my own well-being.
Wow, thank you for reminding me that I can TRY to be kind and supportive. Right now, I don't feel it. When you stated that you were acknowledging to him that you knew it was hard and that you were proud of him, wow! I just haven't reached that point. My AH quit for 15 years and I guess I just don't think it deserves an atta boy. He is quite proud of himself, but I could care less at this point because I'm sitting in the corner licking my wounds. Thank you for reminding me of the work I still need to do on myself.
