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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> update on my request for help
Post Info TOPIC: update on my request for help
Oksie


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update on my request for help
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As some of you may remember from my other log on name... I have recently identifed with being an abused child, and I have been doing alot of inner child work

I posted for help yesterday and I feared I was reacting in a childish manner.  Entering into drama that was not mine to enter.  Creating an incident where there should not have been one.

Was my child reacting?  Was the adult reacting? was it healthy or unhealthy either way?

I recieved lots of ESH from various people aroud my issue yesterday and I took them all on board.  I then sat and thought about each option and let it 'sit with me' for a while. 

I noted many ME's reacting.  The very young me that was abused and no one 'dobbed'.  The teenage me who was so full of hate toward herself and the world that didn't care what you did ... she was saying things like "why would you help him?  He doesnt' even like you?  What has he done for you?? nothing.. so stuff him".  The young adult who was again badly abused and no one was there to protect her.  Just her own anger and retaliation.  She is the drama queen.  The older adult who really had no idea what to do.  The professional who knew exactly what was required of her in this situation.

I remembered lies and secrecy and their effect on people.  I remember that horrible feeling when someone has not been open and honest with me.  I remember pretending to be angry with the people who cared about me as a teenager but secretly thinking.. wow.. they are protecting me. 

Mostly, I remember being told by people who had heard me screaming during the violence and crying afterward. I remember them doing nothing.  I assumed they didn't know.  I was told later they did know.  ONe person said, "I am glad you got rid of him love, I hated hearing you scream like that" or words to that effect.  I was mortified.

I am not a saviour.  I am a woman who has been hurt. I am an accumulatoin of violent acts toward me with no net to catch me. 

I asked my HP to show me where my loyalties lay.  I asked a friend to do the same.  The decision was made.  I will tell my husband what I know about the predicament his son is in.  If I were a mother, and my partner knew my baby was in trouble and didn't tell me.... I would NOT be ok wit that.

To thine own self be true.

Also... the Universe gave me great big neon signs leading up to yesterday.  I have accepted that I was abused as a child.  I am dealing with that.  I have attended training on mandatory reporting and tools to use with at risk families.  I have facilitated this training for other nurses in my area so they know thier obligations.  Then this happens......

How hypocritical of me to sit on this information and not give my husband the benefit of the doubt to assist his son.

His response was great.  He perfectly understood my hesitation and appreciated the conversation I had with his son.  He will not jeapordise that.  He is now more aware and can do more 'behind the scenes' to help his son out.  we are visiting him next week, and I have been able to book his son into a hotel with us and be safe and away from that house during our visit.  Icouldn't have done that had I not told my husband.  "why can't he stay at home and we see him"???? well.. uuummm... ya see...

I am sick of that dance of lying and deception.  My life has been built on lies, I was brought up to lie to men.  I have a bad memory, to lie one must have a good memory.  I could not sleep or be still in myself without saying something.

The teenager with in is still sullen.  Jealous that I helped someone that has never helped us.. and who helped us when we needed it... sweet no one thats who.

I believe the universe placed this situation in front of me to give me a lesson in humility, catching a drama, giving me the opportuntity to practice my honesty (I used to lie alot), and allowing me to walk my talk.  I took it and I feel I have passed the 'test'.

My husband has reacted well and I think it will all be good and positive now cos we can work together to watch out for this kid.  If I hadn't told him, I would be feeling very responsible.

Yes... I went against a promise I made to a 16 year old.  When I was 16 I didnt fully understand what I was asking.  I am not sure he does either.  We can all sit and have a chat next week when we actually see him.  I believe he will still feel confident in me and believe that I am there for him to help where he wants me to.

This has been very confusing for me and very emotional.  I have certainly realised I have a long way to go in this area.  From only just accepting that I was abused for so long... to this... Its a step in the right direction I feel.

I used the SErentiy prayer and had the courage to change the things I can.  I did a step 8 and added this kid to the list of people I have harmed.  Maybe by trying to help him now, I am doing a 9?? not sure.  I now I have acted in direct opposition to soem of the traits I wrote about in Step 4.



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rehprof


~*Service Worker*~

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the son has no idea the herculean effort and stress this has required of you...but WE do.

compassion...it's powerful. just sending you strength and high fives.



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Too hard


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You are doing well.    T.H.



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pinkchip


~*Service Worker*~

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Don't overcomplicate Linda. This is a hot topic for you for a number of reasons. That is fully understandable. Too much self-analyzation will turn you neurotic. You are too good of a person to be tortured by your own thoughts, doubts, and insecurities. I am convinced that most of us here are probably codies and we care too much and take on other peoples problems too much and we rip ourselves too much.... Another person in your exact shoes here may have told their partner, given themselves a pat on the back and said "I did the right thing" and been done with it.

Not trying to down play it - but when this is an issue that is so personal to you, you can't view it objectively Linda. It is much easier when these situations are presented to us at work....(I know you counsel too) because there is a clear protocol. I think when you have a license (mental health or nursing) you can almost assume you have a duty to report even when not working. That way you can be a bit more detached.

You are doing a TON of work trying to get into your own head, but don't forget that getting out of your head is a coping skill too.

In support,

Mark

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rehprof


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mark -- thanks for the reminder.....I have a tendency to spend way too much time in my head...



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Debilyn


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I am proud of you. If you remember I shared my thoughts were he may have told you, thinking you would tell his dad.

You are doing great Ignorant me didn't think about this would push your buttons. rrrrr shoulda known.

This boy is very fortunate to have you both Linda.

smiling at you and big hugs! debilyn



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

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Oksie


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Thanks Debilyn
Always respect what you have to say

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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> update on my request for help