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I've been in AlAnon for 3 years and it has given me many gifts and blessings.
I have been blessed to meet some wonderful people and have grown from their ESH. My struggle is this...one of my very best friends and sponsee recently passed away from a very tough battle with several types of cancer...Two months prior to loosing her I lost my mother to breast cancer.
My sponsee was an amazing lady...truly an angel on earth...not a person met her that didnt love her. Her and I met at my home group one Friday night and quickly became friends....we talked several times a day and seldom missed a day-until her health got worse.
I havent been to an Alanon meeting since she passed...I can't get to my home group...I try almost every Friday and fail. I just cant imagine sitting in that room and her not coming in, pulling of her hat and coming over to hug me. I guess maybe it is denial..My counselor believes that I believe that as long as Im not in that room, and she doesnt come in that in my mind somehow she is still here...and I cant argue that. By not putting myself in that position I am staying in denial...and to be honest...I cant accept that she is gone.
Im still very much grieving the loss of my mom, and the pain that surrounds that daily is overwelming, which is why I started seeing a counselor. I can't mentally or physically deal with another loss right now, so maybe I am in denial about my friends death.
Since mom and her's passing I have isolated myself and pushed away many of my close friends...I am mortified of loosing another person I care about and by isolating I feel I am protecting myself from anymore unbearable grief.
Im uncertain as to how to overcome this hurdle....I was asked to come this Friday as one of our girls from out of town is going to be there and we are going to have a bit of a dinner at the meeting....I would like to go, but I just dont know how I can get past the fear and go back in that room.
I know in my heart that my bestie would want me there...that she'd tell me to get up and get moving and that there is more than one way to get somewhere....but I really just dont know how...
Any ESH would be appreciated...
Trying to live just for today....
shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
It's ok to grieve. It's ok to have all these mixed feelings. I generally find that at the point I feel its a problem, I need to give myself a shove to move forward. I understand how hard going to the meeting seems, I can only imagine isolation is going to make everything worse.
Sorry for your losses, give yourself some slack and hopefully you can go back to your meeting and fill yourself again.
Hi ((Shelly)) We can't put a time-table on our grieving, be gentle with yourself. In my experience with loss, it just was what it was. Just a time to grieve. But it also seemed like an invitation, like God was saying, "come closer. trust me more." A time to go deeper, to abandon myself to God more.
Higher power never gives me more than I can handle. Only if I try to do it alone does it become more than I can handle. With God, I can do all things. And during times of grief, I just needed the strength to get out of bed. I had to ask for more strength. It always came.
In my grief, sometimes yes, I just wanted to be alone. But it was also good for me to venture out, my sponsor cautioned me not to isolate too much, to receive comfort from the group (so often I struggle with receiving, I always have to be the giver) and also to get out of myself a bit, to hear that I am not alone in my suffering. That was good for me.
You COULD look at it as God is using her/them as one of his tools, to get you to trust God more. I'm not saying you SHOULD sweetie, only that you could. That way, she truly is one of God's angels... just doing her work.
They are safe. They are still loving you.
Be gentle with yourself and keep things simple. Get outside when you can, let nature be your medicine, it's my favorite way to let God soothe me. God knew just what I needed when He created all that beauty.
(((big hugs)))
-- Edited by glad lee on Wednesday 14th of March 2012 07:19:49 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I used to belong to a grief group and here's what I noticed -- all the people in the group had had more than one loss in a certain time frame. I had lost both my mother and my father within a year. Other people had lost a parent and a sibling, or a spouse and a sibling, or a good friend and a parent, or... What I think is that one loss is hard, but we can just barely keep going. Two losses is too much. It just knocks us flat. We need more help. We have a lot of losses over the course of our lives, but if we're given enough time between each, we can manage to struggle to our feet again and keep on marching. But when there's too much to handle, our system just calls a halt.
It sounds to me as if that's the place you are in. What the next step is would depend on your resources and your particular feelings. Maybe it would be to go to your home group and cry a lot and feel the warmth of a meeting. Maybe it would be to look into a grief group. Maybe it would be a different kind of support. All I know is that when things get overwhelming to me, it means I need a lot more support. I hope you can find good support for yourself too. This isn't easy. It's one of the hardest things ever. None of us would make it through without support. Hugs.
I'm so sorry for your losses, it is a double whammy to experience something like that .. I totally concur with the grief groups. Everyone experiences grief in a different way. It's just more important that you do grieve and find a way to find comfort in memories of those special people in our lives. It is one day at a time situation. You have to take care of you especially during these overwhelming times of grief.
Sending you lots of love and support, hugs p :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
As a motivation to go back to your meetings.. have you considered that the others there may also be grieving the loss of that friend. That they may also be missing you because you were so close to the lady, having you there may help them feel a little closer to her. You being there may also help you to feel closer to her as opposed to missing her even more.
When a wonderful and valued member of this board died, we all grieved. His words are missed greatly. For a while, people posted reminders of what he said and how he helped them. We all appreciated him in our own way and gave our own tribute in our own way.
I understand you are not ready to say goodbye. Isolating yourself, and not going to places that bring you closer to her is saying good bye though isn't it?? She will always be with you. For me, in my belief, when a person dies that was in my life, they become part of my higher power, part of the universal love and energy. I miss them here in solid form for me naturally, but their love wil forever be with me in the form of thier angel visits.
I do hope you can get part this difficult part. As many have said, this is a process.
When my daughter first died (one day old) I did not leave my bedroom for quite some time. The fear that kept me there was indescribable. I kept returning to the hospital, driving past the hospital looking at the window her humidicrib was near. I just wanted to be somewhere she had been as a real person.
One day, I was at my kitchen table having a tea, I had gotten out of bed for a short time, and I sat quietly and cried. I was alone. I felt her talk to me... strange I know... I knew she was with me forever. I ventured outside the next day.
It will take what it takes and as long as it takes. If it starts to interfere with your life and your recovery, then you will have to think about how healthy your grief is. Your recovery is important toyou, and important to your sponsor whatever form you think she is in.
I hope she has spoken to you through someones words here today.
I don't know you but I have this strong urge in my throat to say... love ya darl.... keep on truckin
Your sponsee would tell you that you were an angel to her and you she is now an angel looking down over you. Furthermore, she would tell you to get back to meetings because there might be another lady just like her that comes in to any given meeting and she will need a new sponsor in the form of YOU!
Hi, I'm so sorry for your loss. I understand completely. My mom was healthy and playing golf one week, and the next week we buried her. I picture her now as my angel. I talk to her to welcome those others who die into heaven. I talk to her and tell her all about why the newly deceased was so important to me. I look at her as the "welcome wagon" to heaven. That is one way that I don't ever let her go, even though she is gone on earth. When I have a really bad problem I also ask her to be with me and help me get to a resolution.
Take both of your losses and continue to talk to them. Angels are valid. I love my angels.
