Getting ready to make a fears list as well as a mini second 4th step to share with my sponsor next time we meet .. I'm noticing this week, it seems everything is harder .. I don't really want to be around anyone lately which of course isn't really realistic. I find myself feeling guilty for having these feelings as if it's because of something others are doing, but at the end of the day, It's more along the lines of me being powerless over the effects of my working on my fears list and 4th; I truly wish I could just vanish for a few days .. maybe even weeks .. as in off the face of the earth and reappear when i'm ready ..

At work, I'm having a hard time again with authority figures (my perception of them) .. feeling the shame based did i do something wrong feeling again .. I had a great week there last week but this week is much harder .. I'd like to say it's because of someone else, something They did, but in this case, that is not the case .. it's all down to my own distorted perceptions again .. when will my recovery Ever be about someone else .. Ugh i've typed that before ..

I'm also irritated because when my xab calls my phone and it's shut off, he begins to call my mothers or a common family friend we used to share looking for me .. it's pretty senseless and it breaks a major boundary .. if i'm not answering my phone; there must be a reason. i don't think it's necessary to call around looking for me; I believe this action is a form of attempted control .. We agreed for him to see our daughter thursday and there is absolutely no reason we need to speak before then .. with his mother in town, i have so many resentments of her still waiting to be removed and worked on. I cannot at this point even look at this woman without feeling disgust .. whether wrong or right, I am also powerless over that effect and yet I have enough recovery to know i cannot avoid her forever .. so i'm throwing her on my 4th and trying to figure out what it is I am truly resenting ..

for what it's worth, i just need the support of the fellowship .. even if it's just to know you are Still here and even if it's just to Hear it's OK that I'm still having feelings and that I don't have to meet a special time frame for ridding myself of them and the reminder it won't be Me who removes everything from my life but hp when the time is Right ... I'm genuinely sad .. and not about to tell myself the should list and how i shouldn't feel like this .. the point is i do and i am still really feeling the effects of our actions and inactions through the last years .. emotional wise, I am really on a spiral downward staircase .. I don't need to hit bottom before reaching out but I do feel the shame piece of should never share on this stuff again now .. but i'm really hurting and thankful you're here ..

thanks again ..