The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I attend 2 meetings a week and am also doing a book study meeting as well. I have been going to alanon for about 7 months now and have really found much serenity in it. Someone told me to not start the steps yet because I am still such a newbie.
The thing is that this book study I am in we are really delving into some deep introspection about ourselves and I am having a really hard time being honest with myself . I am finding that I am worrying that people will have to find out that I have a lot of things about myself that are not so good. The others in the group are sharing their deep inner faults, experiences, ect...and I cringe at doing this. The other ladies have been in alanon for about 20 years. I feel like such a amature at this. I can't wait till I am farther along in the program and I will be less focused on me and able to really get to know these other amazing people in the program. I am feeling like I am being so selfish. Boy, do I have a lot to work on. But I know it is Progress NOT perfection :)
My husband seems to think that the steps will be helpful for me to start and he also thinks that this book group is good for me because I need to be honest with myself. Part of me wants to just go and isolate myself like I have always done when I am fearful of being vurnerable but I know the end result for that and it is not a good way to live. Through Alanon my health has gotten SO much better! along with my relationships.
I am just wondering if this is a normal part of the process in alanon that I am in? I am embarrassed and I am sure that my ego is the root of all of this. I don't want to look bad. I think I may be in some sort of denial still. Next week we are suppost to be talking about "Intamacy" and relate it to sexual intamacy----that really triggered me last night. I don't know how I am going to talk about intamacy in that kind of way. I know I do have intamacy issues but to go THERE is scary....but maybe it will be a good thing.
I did find a cool quote on here that someone wrote that really inspired me though "God will determine the timetable for my recovery, not me. Easy does it."
Thanks for listening!
__________________
It is very difficult to have a pity party when I am celebrating all the gratitude I have in my life!
It will aither work out, . . . or, . . . It will work out."
((HUGS)) Daisy. I'm going to share something with you that a kind soul shared with me when I was in the midst of a divorce from my first husband (and I was feeling deeply, deeply guilty about my past mistakes and behavior).
We are not defined by our worst mistakes. We are not defined by our worst personality flaws.
I'm willing to bet that all the things you don't like about yourself, all your flaws--there is at least one other person at your meetings with the same or similar issues. You will share when you are ready, and hopefully then you can put your mistakes, your past, and your flaws out there into the universe, and trust that the future will hold better choices. When we know better, we do better.
What you are feeling and experiencing is very very normal. Be gentle with yourself and know that it is all a process.
It sounds as if you have found good solid meetings and I applaud you for attending. I too discovered that looking inward was very painful and then attempting to share, that even more so. You are not alone.
Share as best you can. Being honest really helped me. I would say:" I am not comfortable with this topic I am becoming aware of my inner self but not there yet." . I was accepted and where I was respected.
It really is all a process. When I finally was able to share my inner secrets I found that I was not alone and all too human. This program gave me the permission to be human and what a gift that turned out to be. No need to pretend to be perfect, share who I am at the heart of the matter. It turned out to be a pretty wonderful person. You will find that out as well.
Keep showing up for yourself and trust the program
I definitely struggled with the same thing.... I knew I didn't like other people being dishonest to me, but it was a real hurdle to accept that I wasn't always honest with myself!!!! In many ways, Al-Anon helped me "grow up", in a spiritual sense.
Keep coming back
T
p.s. I don't think 7 months is too much of a newbie to start working the Steps.... :)
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thanks for sharing your ES&H with me. One thing I am finding out to be true in alanon is that at one time or another in our lives we have all felt such similar if not the same feelings and delt with the same things due to the disease of alcoholism in our families. I really need to let down my guard and quit comparing myself with others in the program. One thing I do is I feel like I am not good at the responding part. I am an introvert and I have a hard time gathering my thoughts to express them in a way that makes sense. It is like my head knows what I mean and my body feels it but I feel it is hard when I try to explain my thoughts. Everyone else at the meetings shares easily and I think most of them are extroverts. Is it okay if my shares are short? I often notice that some people kindof daze off when I am talking...I know I don't make a lot of sense in my presentation sometimes but it hurts my feelings. I just am not a speaker and I get anxiety when chairing but I do it anyway. I know I am feeling sorry for myself...must be the martyr part in me.
I am glad to here that you here have also felt the same in sharing in meetings....that helps me a lot to know I am not alone. I think the hardest thing I have struggled with in my life was feeling alone and this program is teaching me that I am not alone.
Betty, when you said you would say " I am not comfortable with this topic I am becoming aware of my inner self but not there yet." . I was accepted and where I was respected." That really spoke to me. I think I may write that down and share that at the book group next week when we talk about intimacy but still try and share some that I am comfortable with.
I am working on letting go of the pretending to be perfect...it was a thing I have held onto most of my life. It is interesting because I have heard a lot lately that a lot of alanon people have said that the outside world really thought they had it "all together" I have heard that also...people would always tell me that I have such an easy perfect life and had it all. But inside I felt terrible! All of this honestly is going to bring freedom. I am going to feel the fear and do it anyway. I want to Grow up in a spiritual sense like you said canadianguy...I know my HP is gently walking with me on the course.
I really do want to start the steps. I feel it is time. I don't know what to expect but I want to start. I know of a lady I have asked a while back and she said yes, then we just havent talked about it since then. She is really busy and still dealing with the pain of her own struggles with her family and alcoholism. I am just hoping it is the right fit.
__________________
It is very difficult to have a pity party when I am celebrating all the gratitude I have in my life!
It will aither work out, . . . or, . . . It will work out."
daisy31 you are so not alone! I can relate to all that you posted. Sharing is getting easier for me now, but I still have the pounding heart and some topics I just can't say much about yet. Thank goodness there are no musts in AlAnon and you can pass anytime. Working the steps with a sponsor has helped me feel better than I ever have and more on solid ground to start to tackle my insides. The more I hear at meetings the more I realize how less alone I am with my struggles. Thanks for sharing!!
I have been with the step boards here for 8 months including the ACA board. I did step one after about a month. I still do step one on a regular basis. INfact, I did it again last night.
I follow the stepwork board for ACA and post there.
Have you had a look at the Al Anon board for the stepwork?
I agree with Tom.. I don't see why anytime is too early or too late to start the steps. It all depends at what point you entered Al Anon. How willing you are/were when you walked in the door.
Being honest with myself is something I have only recently discoverd. I put a post about it under.. "the first person I didn't trust"... was me!!! I lied to myself for sooo long. My gut feels better with the self honesty. Ihave done bad very bad things to myself and to others because of that dishonesty with myself and telling myself that I am Ok, I am right... I was not right and some of the things I did were very naughty. I ended up in court for some of them. I could always justify my actions, I was so full of anger to the world.
My justification now is in making amends to myself. My step 8 is self forgiveness and self honesty. Next time around I will do it with other people on the list more.
I don't think the steps are a one off occurence in life. I am gonna get fit running up and down them.
