The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A few months back I had a situation come up where I tried to leave and AH would not let me shut my car door and would not let me leave. It was after that where I determined if it ever happened again I would call 911.
I'm sure y'all are familiar with the spinning, where a conversation is started and then suddenly it's a full blown argument and then it's like a stubborn dog with a bone trying to prove that AH/AW etc is right.
Last night I got home from the 2nd job. I had opened a box and was pulling out the clothes I ordered for baby girl. He says that I really shut baby girl down the day before when I told her she could not have cake. I told her she couldn't have cake because he had given her 2 spoonfulls of the remaining icing from the cake and she had not eaten lunch.
He didn't say anything Sunday but last night said that I should not be so quick to say no. My response was I hear what you are saying. This is apparently a trigger for him to then have to prove himself right. I'm going to figure out another non commital statement. Instead of backing off and letting me process what I've been told her keeps at me then starts making fun of how I'm acting, and the it just kept on.
So then he says that he's sure I'm going to leave, and I'm trying to not have to do that but it didn't work I grabbed the dog my keys and my purse and go to the door, which he gets mad and tells me I'm not leaving I can call the policy. So I take my phone to do just that and he throws the door open.
I left and drove to my parents house.
This morning I drove home and he was there, and he apologized. I told him he had every right to tell me something that he did not agree with, she is his daughter. However he had no right to be as ugly as he became with me.
I stuck to my boundary, I was either going to call the policy or be allowed to leave. My next task is reviewing how I could have declined the invitation to that fight to begin with!
Sometimes I find that deflecting an on coming confrontation with "you might be right" at least lets me off the hook for having to respond further. When it comes to push/pull conflicts both parties are in the need to be right it just depends on who is attacking (wanting to be right) and who is defending (wanting to be right), if I have given to say the first statement (you might be right) and the conflict is pushed I respond with I'm choosing not to engage further in the conversation at this point and time. We can discuss it later when we have both had time to relax.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
It's great that you stuck to your boundary. It's so difficult to do in the midst of an argument. It is very hard to disagree with someone and it's very hard to hear someone disagree with you. That is such a skill that I need to learn. It triggers me to try and want to prove my point or sway them to my side and I know that all I should do is be willing to listen and take it in and evaluate how it impacts me - then make my decision. It's sooooooooo hard to do in practice.
Thank you for the support! I can try the you might be right but with my AH I have a feeling that will be as much a red waving flag as I hear what you are saying.
I guess it boils down to I don't agree at all and I've not said anything b/c I choose not to fight that fight.
I made the mistake yesterday of saying it felt like we had turned some kind of corner, I should know better that came back and bit me hard!!!
LOL for real. The thought that keeps going through my head today (and has on other days too) I hate being married.
More than anything I wanted to be married b/c I was hearing about how I was 31 and not married so I just needed to get it out of the way which sounds awful but it's true. So now I've done the marriage thing and I'm ready to just walk. Except that this flies in the face of my own personal beliefs so I am trying to let go and let God.
I can honestly say that the man I chose to marry has redeeming qualities. Right now I just don't like him, at all.
Kids make this stuff all the harder - I know very, very well. My mom side agrees with you, you did the right thing by setting a boundary for your daughter (no cake until you've had your lunch). I think it's great though because as we learn to set boundaries, we do it many different ways and learn to fine tune and at least you didn't continue to escalate (you walked away) and you didn't just roll over and give in.
I see one boundary issue regarding you both being involved in such small things. I guess in a perfect world (I'm still looking for one) he would have disagreed but not let it be worth an argument over. In addition were the reverse to happen (he decides to allow cake for her without checking in with you) you would let it go as well and "not worth the argument". At some non-confrontational moment later, you both could discuss it without the emotion involved and hopefully without needed one side to be right. I would say on the outside you both had good points.
@AStrongerMe, LOL a perfect world would be nice. Honestly I didn't even think to ask him about the cake. If he had said yes I would have let it go.
We only have baby girl on the weekends, her mom has her Monday through Friday and we have her most weekends. So in the scenario that so many are familiar with I'm sure, he wants to be the fun Dad and doesn't want to have to say no. He also sees nothing wrong with letting her have as much candy, cake, etc as she wants.
I heard what he said. I noted it. I plan to just tell her to ask her Dad from here out if she wants something like this. I try really hard to stick to the only saying something if she's going to hurt herself or the dog. This is where being a step mom gets tricky
The way I see it, he gets to set his boundaries about cake and you get to set yours. But whatever the right way, blowing up about it is not a helpful way to handle it, as you told him. Sometimes they are spoiling for a fight so much that the only way to avoid one would be for us to squelch our personalities completely. Not that we shouldn't be open to change, but that when we spend all of our time walking on eggshells trying to avoid conflict, we end up controlled by the other person. Deciding to leave rather than play that game was some awesome boundary-setting!
at times I have noticed for me that it isn't the words I use that are the red flags, its the way I say them.
The word "Fine" is a fine word, it is a nice fine day, that is a fine wine, yeah going to that restaurant instead of the one I want is fine... fine; give her the cake, fine? same word.
Even telemarketers are told to smile on the phone because a person can hear the difference.
I am not saying grin like a cheshire cat when you say "maybe you are right", I am just giving my experience that when I changed the WAY I said things, my body posture, my eye contact, my non verbal communication.... my words seemed to sound different to him.
If it doesn't matter what you say.. then maybe look at the way you say it???? (FYI, my mannerisms get me into trouble alllll the time) Just a thought
