Let me start of by saying that I am very new to all of this. Im just starting in my recovery process and honestly just recently realized how screwed up my childhood actually was.  Ive never posted anything on any message board before and I just started really even looking at them.

I am in desperate need of some advice and help. My marriage is completely falling apart and I want to fix it. Ill start off by giving you some of my background. Im really trying to find someone who can really relate with me so Im just gonna put it all out there. I apologize if this is long winded but it takes a lot for me to open up and talk about these things so I just want to get it out while I have the courage and fortitude to do it.

 Ive been together with my wife for almost 15 years and married for over 11. I am 35 years old and my wife is 39. I have a 23 year old stepson and 16 month old daughter. I work as a restaurant manager and my wife is a stay at home mom. My stepson has moved out and back in again a few times and is back home now but works a lot and out of the house most of the time. Unfortunately me and him have a horrible relationship and I wish it were better. I contribute a lot of that to the fact that I came into the picture when he was 8 and I was only a mere 20 years old myself and just finally escaped from my own screwed up childhood and home myself. But thats all a story for another time.

Both of my parents were alcoholics and my dad used to, on occasion, be physically abusive to my mom as well. We were poor when I was growing up and my house was very old and falling apart as well as always being a mess because of my alcoholic parents. I was also the fat kid of my class. I had so many insecurities growing up and was always embarrassed of pretty much everything in my life. I was very smart in school when I was younger but then once I got my license I started to screw up. I became a pot head and would skip school a lot to go and get stoned and hang out with the wrong crowd. I started failing all my classes and ended up dropping out the next year. Of course my parents didnt even realize what was going on until I told them that I dropped out!

I met my wife on an internet dating site when I was just 20 years old. She lived 3 hours away from me so there was a lot of travel back and forth to see her. We moved very fast and moved in together within just a couple of months. Of course we moved into an apartment close to where she was living. I wanted to get away from the life I knew up until then. There were a lot of problems with our relationship in the beginning. She had problems of her own(of course), she was diagnosed as bi-polar. I know being codependent is a big side affect of being an Acoa. Maybe that was why I was attracted to her in the first place who knows. She got on medication for a while and did a lot of work on herself and made a lot of progress. None the less for a long time in the beginning of our relationship I was always helping and saving her. I probably didnt actually do any real helping or saving. When she would get upset and have one of her panic attacks I would just give her some pot to smoke to make the pain go away. The years went by and we moved forward with our lives and actually bought a house together. She had infertility problems and thought she could never get pregnant again. Then 13 years later she got pregnant and we had our daughter.

Back to my parents again for just a moment. My mom passed away 4 years ago. It was very hard on me and I felt guilty because I hadn't seen her in a few years. Probably because of how embarresed I was of the life I grew up in. My dad was in horrible shape and I talked him into moving by me which was about 20 hours away. He actually moved in with us for a little bit but that didn't work out well so found an apartment of his own. He began drinking very heavily. It actually seemed crazy to me because I always saw my mom as more of the alcoholic and I actually really looked up to my dad though now I realize I never should have. There were countless fights with my wife over my dad because I was always trying to "save" him and neglected my wife because of it. I've come to realize that she was right about that all along. I now never even speak to my father and thankfully have learned how to stand up to him and stopped trying to always save him. 

In my life I have kind of trained myself to hold stuff in and forget my problems. I become emotionally unavailable. I trained myself to forget about everything in my childhood so well that I think I actually did forget about it. I just recently brought it all out and told my wife about it all for the first time. Ive never told anybody before. I kind of never thought it was a big deal. Because of this, she doesnt trust me and thinks that I dont trust her. I told her that I trust her more than anyone else in this world. To be honest, this all came up because she got very depressed and hopeless with our marriage. I was very happy with life especially with the birth of my daughter but apparently my sex drive had begun to die off and stopped being affectionate with my wife. I didnt even realize.

Weve been in a really bad place now for the past 6 months or so since this all started. Ive tried to get some therapy but it didnt go very well. I think the therapist wasnt a good fit for me. She was actually my wifes therapist then we had a few sessions together and then just me. Im now trying self help books and websites like this to work on myself because I think that is the key to work on myself. This is the first time I have ever tried to open up and admit to anyone and even to myself that my life was as bad as it was growing up. A big problem that she has is when we talk and it goes to where I did things wrong and hurt her, I get quiet and shut down. I know that I do this. I can't help but feel like everything is my fault even when it's not. I'm trying to change that about myself with all my self discovery and healing but I know it's going to be a long road. Unfortunately, I don't have any more time. The biggest problem right now though is just how severe of a depression my wife is in right now. She even talks of just not wanting to live anymore. She feels that nobody loves her. I was always her rock and only tried to love her. Now that Im depressed myself and trying to help myself start to heal I just simply cant be the same as I used to be. Also... neither of us have any friends, nobody to talk and vent to. So we talk and vent to each other which is very unhealthy when it's about each other! I dont know what to do. I'm now lost myself. Sorry to go on for so long. Thank you to all that stayed and read all of this. I just hope someone has some sort of advice for me.