The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It has been a while since I last spoke on here and I decided today to come and read some post from the website again. Re-reading all my post and replys was scary! I didn't realize how different I am looking back now.
I have not spoken to him since January and the last time I decided to cut it off is when his baby mama called me and said they were still talking. After I told him I will not be with you if you are still telling her the same. As soon as she told me that. It was 100% confirmed this man is OUT of my life.
She called me another time saying she was done with him for good and I can have him but I came to her as a woman and supported her and told her to get help and about Al-Anon and she was like " WOW he really messed you up!" Which I took kind of offensive because I am the one seeking help! Your the one that is not. That was the last time I heard from anyone.
It's now March and I haven't felt better. Love myself more, stronger and just being a healthier person too!!!
My mind on the other hand, LOL not so much. The part that is hard is thinking about him everyday. I question myself everyday.
He is in jail, got arrested in Dec. Still in there. I found out that she got back together with him and it hurt but not as much as before.
I question everything.
Is jail changing him? What if he really wants to change and is being the sweetest guy to her and really promises her all these changes?
Would staying in jail longer than his average 3-4 months change him?
But at the same time when I question myself, I still have friends that say,
Dont even worry about her, she is the one believing him through that glass, she has to deal with him for the rest of her life.
I know he loves his daughter but why would she go back to him after she has been through worse than me and the reason he is in jail is because of domestic violence and grand theft auto against her.
I just wanted to update you guys and let you know I am so much happier. I never wanna speak to him or see him again.
However, I constantly get fears and panic attacks when I think of him getting out and trying to contact me.
I know i'm done but its the bad memories that make me upset with regret like why did i let him do me like this. I never let any guy treat me as bad as he did.
In times like that.. when my mind spins and plays tricks on me.. here is what I try to do.
Feelings are not facts. I am allowed to feel that way, I am allowed to feel this that and the other... that doesn't make it real. Allow the feelings to come in and to go through.. I take note of what I am feeling and wonder why I would be feeling that right now? Am I a bit lonely? Am I bit hungry and tired? Am I a bit hormonal? Is there something else going on? Am I a bit stressed?
If I allow my thoughts to run away with me.. where will they run away too? MOst of them are too little be out on thier own anyway.. hehehehe... I can control my thoughts. I started by first being aware of my thoughts, then deciding to stop the thoughts. I gave them time to play.. I allowed myself the time of a shower to obsess. That is.. Ioften start to obsess when I am in the shower. Showering doesn't take alot of brain power so my thoughts start to play. I give them that time. Then I say.. ok children.. time to get back to what I am doing.
The hardest part is to not judge my thoughts or feelings. They are what they are. Feelings are not facts, and I can change my thoughts.
It sounds to me like you have made a choice for yourself to NOT go back to this man. It stands to reason then.. his life is none of your business. YOUR life is your business and you are feeling healthier and fitter and happier. Those are the facts there.
I am currently reading the book Radical SElf Forgiveness. Its like my step 8 for me. There are other less intense books out there that may help.
Step one of al anon is good for these racing thoughts.. as is the Serenity Prayer... you cannot change anything about him or what he does.. accepting that will change your life.
Of course you don't have to.... You can choose to not look at this program and put it into your life.. I know since I have honestly tried to do it properly.. it has worked really well. It is NOT easy. This is NOT the easy option. For me, its the best.
It sounds like you are still wondering if he will suddenly become this great guy!
It took him a long time to become the person he is today, it will again take him another half a life to change. He will not miracuously change in a year. Please continue to consult and go to Alanon meetings so you are prepared to face his manipulation which he will inevitably try once more to test you. If he calls or emails and you do not want him to, this is harrassment and is against the law, don't be afraid to protect yourself, we need boundarys and this could be one of yours. Be strong. Get busy looking for some new life choices for you. Remember promises are empty unless there is action to match them.
You sound happy, remember what you have done to get to this place.
Sincerely in support,
Oldergal
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Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
