The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Additionally with what Glad mentioned...the fellowship, at the meeting, run the meeting, a group conscience can be held and the single member or the minority member over-ruled. The meeting secretary can be rotated by a group conscience and the meeting time can be expanded or decreased in this manner also. Power and control tactics are some of the behaviors, thoughts and spirits I had to give up when I found the fellowship. Reminding myself of where I came from and the unconditional love, acceptance, compassion and mercy which helped me heal from it and that the spirit of the twelfth step is "Giving it back" is most important in my recovery today.
((((hugs))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Monday 12th of March 2012 02:16:43 PM
lol, I often believe God puts those "old bags" in front of me for a perfect purpose.
It sounds like a lovely date night-kind of thing to do, I think I would enjoy that very much with my partner. But if your wife has that all-or nothing, black or white thinking, from where I sit, this is a time where the rubber meets the road in YOUR program. One of my lessons is, we are not meant to be enmeshed, we are individuals. The purpose of recovery to me, is to build a relationship with my Higher power, and not making anyone (or anything) my higher power. You have choices. Our changed attitudes can aid recovery, in this case, you may inspire her. I could never have predicted the wonderful things that have happened when I just did what I believed my Higher power would have ME do!!
The other thing I just thought about is an experience we had in another state where I attended meetings....
You don't mention how long you've been going to this meeting, do you have any idea if this person comes week after week, monopolizing the meeting, gobbling up all the time with her problems? We had that problem once. The person had no interest in sharing the meeting, she seemed to believe it was all about her. And the fellowship is not perfect, only human. The first tradition is: "Our common welfare should come first; personal progress for the greatest number depends upon unity."
-- Edited by glad lee on Monday 12th of March 2012 03:03:41 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
At my home group last night, one of out "long-timers" was chairing. This woman has always been hung up about the meetings going only one hour and pointing our that we should all limit our sharing. Ours is a discussion meeting, and when it came time to choose a topic, one was suggested. Someone suggested that we discuss "What Al-Anon had done for me." This topic didn't suit the chair, so she said that she wanted to know if anyone had something that was heavy on their heart. One of the members volunteered to talk, and spoke for about 3 minutes. The chair cut her off in the middle of a very emotion packed story, and belittled the speaker, saying that she was rambling about 4 or 5 topics, and the group needed to choose one of them. The lady who was cut off left the room in tears, visibly upset for being belittled in a meeting. The chair smirked a little and carried on with the meeting. My wife and I left to attend the injured lady, and eventually drove her home. Now my wife says we can never go back to this meeting again. I am distraught, as this is a place where I always felt safe and secure, but I will not go back without her.
I don't understand how to limit my anger about what has happened. I don't know how to forgive the "long timer" who was so uncaring. I don't know how to continue with my recovery. I feel like giving up on the program. I cannot bear to be part of an organization that would be so cruel to one of its members.
It's only a stumbling block if you make it one. I really relate to this but I REFUSE to give anyone power over my recovery....
I have choices, I can either bring it up for discussion to the group (group conscience) or I can accept everyone as they are, let God work it out... or I can find another meeting. But I refuse to let my black and white thinking dictate to me, "this is the end of recovery." The disease would absolutely LOVE THAT!!!
You can remind the group of our second tradition which states: " For our group purpose there is but ONE authority - a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants - they do not govern."
No one person, no matter how long they've been in recovery, has any more "authority" than the newcomer, we are a fellowhsip of equals. You are just as important in that room as anyone there. Don't forget that.
I can assure you, she is not representative of al-anon!! And I am quite sure you aren't the only one shocked by what happened, it seems like your group may want to have a group conscience over this. In one of my meetings, if there are more than 12 people, we split into smaller groups so everyone has a chance to talk. In another meeting I attend, nobody wants to talk, lol, so we stay together and just end on time, or close to it., we're relaxed about ending time. In another meeting, we use a timer but if no one wants to talk, anyone is allowed to "double dip." Lots of options.
For me, al-anon taught me to temper anger with the opposite - acceptance. What am I not accepting?? In this case, you may not be accepting that we are just a sick fellowship of control freaks... we wanna control others, control God, etc, etc. We all do it. If only everyone would cooperate with us, then we might have a chance at happiness, lol
I invite you to consider that she is sick, my friend. She needs our prayers. Dont' let your resentment with a sick person become a stumbling block on your journey to serenity.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
You guys are all saying the things I know to be true. My first (I think) reasonable idea about this was to go to the next meeting and call for a group conscience meeting to discuss what happened. I think this is a very healthy way to deal with this, if it is approached with a proper attitude. I still think there is hope for this group. I am not the kind of person that would normally abandon something that is good for me.
However, my wife is adamant that she will never go back. Often, I have to accept that I have no control over anyone else, even her. Especially her, at times. Part of the peace of the program is knowing that we go together, as a couple, to al anon meetings.
There are only 3 meetings in our city. If we throw one away each time there is "trouble" we will soon be out of places to go.
Aside from that, there were 9 other people at the meeting last night besides us and the "offender". I can't stand the thought of letting an old bag come between me and the other people at the meeting.
Phil, I have nothing to add to the ESH you've already received from others. But I noticed this was your first post so I want to give you a big welcome to MIP! This is a really special place and has been/is a big help to me. I hope you'll keep coming back.
My wife and I often attend together also and seemingly like your spouse mine is fear based also...the adamant/anger display is evidence of fear for me. Like you I also didn't come with a "control" button and like you will go after solutions because now I can and know how from the program. Group Conscience...what a concept!! By the way another solution is to start another meeting in your area. We're about to do that ourselves because of the need. ((((hugs))))....good luck and support to your Al-Anon groups and areas....
