The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
He comes to me saying he wants to find a job and get his life together, I provide the needed gas to go to look for this job he says he will apply for, then he needs more gas and supplies such as washing powders, personal needs for looking clean, then he needs to go back to the interview, more gas needed, then money for minutes for his phone, etc.
Then when I begin to question how long is this going to take, he gets very defensive and yells that he is trying to do better but that I won't let him improve himself by helping him out when he trys to get a job.
The problem is that the job is always some place that I can't go to or verify that it even exists. He was very low last night and said no one would help him and he might as well not try, he is 31 years old, we have been down this road many times before, but having said that I don't want to miss an opening to help him, but I feel like I am being played.
Have you thought of offering him only materials "in kind," that is, putting the gas in the car yourself, giving him a box of washing powder, etc., rather than giving money for the items?
Sadly, I have close personal experience of giving an addict money for the endless little needs, and finding that the money always went elsewhere.
I relate to the post, my son is always out of money too, and actually living on a student loan. Yet somehow, my son ALWAYS has the money to wine and dine at the finest places in town. I don't, what's wrong with that picture? lol
To me, God gave me that very strong motherly instinct (came with motherhood) that wants very much to take care of my children. For me, I do what I can afford (which isn't much.) But part of me chooses to withhold a bit because I know for a fact, he is not making wise choices. To me, God can control the outcome with what I do send him, I'll just follow my instincts.
That said, I will never put myself in financial harm because that would not be responsible to MYSELF.
It's not easy with kids, for sure. I'm right with you.
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
As long as he has a reason to make it your fault he's not employed, he won't be employed. The more I read the more I see that's a trait of addiction. I haven't seen it in my bf yet but I'd bet a million dollars he's totally capable of it.
I agree with the idea of making sure you know where the money went. After that the answer should be "i'm sorry, I can't do that for you". And he will get mad but what is going on right now isn't working.
With 3 boys under 16, I'm sure I'll be back reading my own advice here in a few years It's easier on the outside to see it clearly, harder when feelings and family ties are involved. I've received help from my parents but they are pretty stern about what they will help with, and how. For me, they made it clear early on my employment was my responsibility. But on the flip side, they helped with daycare when my ex refused, so I could keep my job. At the time with 3 kids young enough for daycare (5 years ago) it was more than my rent and when he backed out of his half it was going to cripple me.
At the same time I had to be doing something to change my situation. So I went to school online while my kids slept and got my BS. Hardest 2 years of my life, sleeping 4-5 hours a night, working 40-50 hours a week and raising 3 young kids. It was stressful but I did it and I am so glad I did.
From what I'm learning, the alcohol makes it hard for them to find that line of responsibility so it's even more important to help them see it clearly.
I really don't have anything too much to give you in the way of experience, I dont' have kids. But I can send you strength.. and lots of it... I can empathise that it would be difficult with the love of a mother to see her son in this situation... even if he is 31 years old. In my heart I fear he is using your kindness for his own rewards, but then I know my Mum would do anything for one of her kids.
I can only send you strength and hope that you will find the wisdom to know where to put your boundaries.
It's easier on the outside to see it clearly, harder when feelings and family ties are involved. I've received help from my parents but they are pretty stern about what they will help with, and how. For me, they made it clear early on my employment was my responsibility. But on the flip side, they helped with daycare when my ex refused, so I could keep my job. At the time with 3 kids young enough for daycare (5 years ago) it was more than my rent and when he backed out of his half it was going to cripple me.