The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I keep giving stuff to God (my HP) and then of course picking it back up. Self will WOW .. I am dealing with that one hard at the moment. Self Will does not create results it's what someone shared tonight. So true so true.
So today .. God decided to give me a tiny smack up the side of the head .. apparently I needed a big lesson in humility. I certainly do not mean this in the way I was being punished .. it was a light bulb moment. I need to be jarred from time to time .. and yes, it gets my attention and rattles me enough to know .. listen up I'm talking to YOU!! The God of my understanding is pretty dang funny although .. it takes me a moment to figure out the humor in it. Especially as we're conversing and I'm cussing like a sailor explaining that no I'm not finding this funny at the moment I'll get back to Him as to what I think. Yeah .. I'll let ya'll know how that's working for me .. lol.
First burn pile and boy was I ever proud .. my son was also with me we spent the morning outside for the most part. I'm walking around, poking the fire making sure it's not getting to out of control things of that nature and my son .. asks me if we can play battleship .. the mode I have been in is distracted and I've really cautioned the kids not to ask questions that can wait until I'm fully done doing what I am doing .. asking me what is for dinner at 8am as I'm trying to navigate a left turn onto a minor highway, with just a stop sign and no light is not important. Anyway, it's completely on me what happened .. it reminded me of how easy it is to get distracted from program.
As I take a step backwards, I flip up and over a log and smack my head on the hard ground. I'm laying there having that conversation with God, saying .. yup .. think you're funny .. FYI .. so not funny at the moment!! I'm doing a mental check am I on fire, did I impale myself and when I smacked my head were there any chunks of major rock behind me. My son God love that boy .. is running to make sure I am still breathing and do I need anything. Can I get a do over??
My head smarts, my ego took a beating and I'm debating do I want to take a trip into the ER. We've already been 2x (son's thumb and daughter sprained her ankle) now in the past 6 weeks. WOW .. they are going to have our files waiting there!! The meeting tonight was all about God's will and stopping pushing our own agenda .. well, .. God decided I needed a little shove in that arena and it turns out He was so right. I got jiggled around a bit I think my brains got some new information. Or possibly just remembered what was stuck in there to begin with, self will has got to go!
I've just got to stay in the program and stop being distracted. I have got to want recovery more than I want anything else. He's going to (fill in the blank) ... or not .. what am I going to do. So starting tonight I will be giving over all of my stuff, big, little, silly, serious .. all of it over to the God of my understanding. Do I think my little adventure is funny now? Pretty much I had a really good laugh at myself and how my little demi God butt got sat down and told to listen up, .. God's got a plan and not only does he have a plan .. God's got my back too.
Thanks for letting me share, .. hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Pushka, it's hard to tell the difference between willful versus just being busy, decisive, taking necessary action. I still have trouble with that one. When I assert myself at work, it goes in my favor more than not....but I have to check when that's me being willful versus assertive.
It's a tough line. You are currently the head of your household and steering a ship that has a storm blowing on it (divorce and other things). You still have to be captain of that ship and make the calls cuz God is not going to do it directly.
Just trying to act with faith and by the princples we set out is really the best we can do. I think you are doing pretty good :) Maybe it was the devil that wanted to smack you upside the head lol..
I like what Mark shared above! I can totally relate, too, to what you are going through. We are all weathering a storm of some sort but behind that storm is smooth sailing, we just have to be willing to stick it out and have patience. That's something I'm not too good at as I want immediate answers and immediate solutions to problems. When problems start dragging on, I become distracted(as you said above). And, distraction takes me away from looking towards my goal and it takes me away further from my HP. Sometimes healthy distractions are necessary for us to re-calibrate but other distractions can really mess with our serenity. It's our job to give it all to God and let him guide us in how to work through those things and give us the self-realization to see what is going on within us. I think you're doing a great job of recognizing that!
Hugs all thanks for the feedback .. lol .. I do like my stories. Something that I'm really putting into practice is while yes I have to take action, reacting to a situation is not always the best course in the right then and now. It's not to say I don't have to take action at some point I'm just not ready today.
Mark :), I like what you said about steering the ship .. I have to let God give me the directions to which way the ship needs to go (God's will for my life). As long as .. my motivation is clear as to the decisions I am making, as long as I'm acting in my own best interests, as long as I'm not manipulating, martyring, managing, the 3 M's. My choices become so much clearer. My life becomes more manageable and I gain the serenity and peace I am looking for. The best thing about this program is I don't have to make any decisions that I'm not prepared to make today. I have to let go of whatever outcome I "think" I want and let God (HP, God of my understanding) do what He does best which is allow Him to have all of it. I can't do it on my own. Right now I'm in a place where I just want to be .. let me get through today and just keep moving forward in my own life and in focus of what else is going on at the moment.
The shares that meant the most to me last night were:
Self will does not create results
Letting go of the outcome (that was mine .. lol, I continually have to remind myself of that one)
Honesty, open mindeness, and a willingness to take action in step 3. Pathways talks about 3 frogs and one makes a decision to jump how many frogs are on the lily pads? 3, the one only made a decision to jump they hadn't jumped yet. You can't live with just the decision forever at some point there has to be an action to go with it.
God's plan is better (I can only see door 1. God has got door 2 with a bigger better plan in it for me).
I don't have to depend on the whim of others. God has my back. He is the one that I need to keep my focus on.
When I don't know what to do, God does know what to do.
As we read through pathways last night was when it hit me what really happened going over that log .. LOL. I hate falling .. I mean HATE it .. the loss of control, the loss of pride, the loss of what I can't do in that split second which is retain my balance. I didn't walk until I was almost 2 and I can remember specifically having thoughts of looking at the ground going .. that's going to hurt. Drove my mother nuts .. lol. I walked everywhere with a Geoffrey Giraffe from Toy's R Us and refused to walk if I couldn't hang on to it.
LOL .. needless to say this has been on my mind today and I am just so very grateful to have a place like this to come and share what is going on inside of me. It always makes me walk away feeling a little bit stronger and little bit more clearer on where I need to be in my program. So very blessed to have you all in my life thank you so much!!
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
