The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Some of you might remember my sharing on my trip to go see my daughter's grandmother who was supposed to never be able to fly here to see us again. She is ill I agree but she seems to be doing better than what we were ever told she would be. We went to see her and the trip was incredibly dysfunctional and yet through the grace of higher power I walked away with as much serenity as I could .. I handled myself well in spite of it all because of the power with me that was greater than me and as I type this I see it is greater than them too; through all their daggers, I made it through relatively unscathed.
Now the grandmother (mother of my xab is back in town) we spent a day with her at coffee and her comments were cold and directly intended to hurt and yet again, I handled myself with serenity, dignity, and the best tools I could use. Kindness mixed in with dignifying assertiveness as needed.
Tonight, however, I was so raging angry nearly 20 minutes ago. I still am angry but I did some reading before posting this .. I do need support. After being together 11 years and having it be 6 months since my partner left, I find myself so angry (tonight) for the things once again I can't change. I also find it hard to accept I still have feelings for this person as if alanon Should have changed all that .. My readings on anger were reluctant and yet one jumped out at me .. 2 actually in hope for today .. sharing them because this is just what i friggen do .. in the effects of my own disease .. make that 3 .. in trying to find the page i read, i happened to read a line that said no matter how dark my path is, there is usually a member whose path is even darker .. go figure .. compassion on the alc who literally lives in darkness by refusing to bring his problems into the light .. makes me so mad and yet i do reluctantly feel the grattitude and compassion in having read that .. i don't want to be compassionate and yet that's exactly what this is turning flipping into through the truth of that statement ..
the first reading i read said .. i begin to see anger, resentments and self pity as choices i made .. not emotions someone made me feel .. this is so me tonight .. as i detach in my mind from the alc .. these are my own choices in reactions and through self pity i begin to ask my hp well what others choices do You think i should respond with when this is how it is and i give him a horrendous list of reasons that justify these choices .. i think this is why i was led to read the above line .. the good ole conscious contact .. i'm even angry at hp right now (god) because of my inability to once again understand ..
the 3rd .. discussed the weapons the alc uses to arouse anger such as breaking promises, etc .. plans .. etc .. which he does repeatedly these days i would think to subconsciously show me .. (it never occurred to me it's possible this is actually intended to do just what it's been doing .. arouse anger .. later on it reads .. take what i like .. why would i want to Take offense when i can Take joy and serenity .. (i used to think this meant from the alcoholic somehow ..) it continues to mention from the tools of this program .. and down even further it reads .. Rather than displaying my hurt feelings to the alcoholic (which he continuosly uses Against me) .. wouldn't it be better to turn them over to others who won't hurt me .. was the intention of the read .. I Always do this .. Give him ammunition .. it's so frustrating .. i don't even know i'm doing it Most of the time because I just don't Want to believe he would want to hurt me, etc.. but he's hurt himself in many ways as in harmed ..
the closing thought for the day reads, the only way love can be retained is when family members stop suffering when the alc is in action ..
for what it's worth, i just needed so much to bring this into the light hoping you are all understanding and patient .. my real problem tonight .. wow it's Harder than ever tonight as if i'd never worked through any of this to Accept all these things I can't change .. my anger is misdirected toward hp .. and i know it doesn't serve much purpose but it feels better to bring it out than keep it in .. so Thank you for letting me share !! I'm so grateful to have a place to bring my instant insanity sometimes !!!
((((Meto2)))) I can relate maybe you stayed a smidgen too long and some of the negative stuff clung to you like velcro. Your post reminds me of some of the lessons I got with sponsorship and others in the program. Stuff like if you don't like the consequences of the feelings you are having...feel the opposite. The opposite of anger I learned was acceptance. I don't like feeling anger because I'm hardly ever in control of it soooo I feel acceptance....acceptance of the fact of a situation not the judgement of it. It happened...now let it go. I also liked the consequence of tantruming. Yes I use to do that when and where I needed to do it. Grown adult man acting like a spoiled child but for a reason...to vent the rage and anger that was owning me at the moment. Usually the best place for me was a isolated spot without disturbances and then I'd go at it for 30 seconds to a minute...jumping up and down, pumping my fists, screaming and using colorful language and then when it was all vented...straightening myself up and getting peaceful, quiet and putting a satisfied smile on my face. I still tantrum at times but not for long. No one gets hurt is a rule of it.
You went for the literature which for me also always works...Thank HP for the program and it's literature. "In all our affairs...letting crises work for you", is also a winner.
You've done good and thanks for bringing it here and sharing it with us. We can be better as a result. (((((hugs)))))
((MeTwo2)), I know how hard it is to deAl with this disease. There is no sense to be made from the insanity of it. We are here for you, you are not alone Please take care of you. Sending you support-
When I feel that way.. I scream.. I go to my bedroom.. scream and punch and yell into my pillow... if there is noone around.. I sometimes even scream right out loud there in my lounge room and put on loud music so the police won't be called.
I also have a punching bag.
Anger is an emotion. For me, its one I have to work through. I have pushed it away and it just eats me up. Venting to the person can be more hurtful at times.
My pillow doesn't seem to mind.
Then of course the teddy gets a good cuddle. My throat is sore adn I feel like a fool. but some of my anger is gone too.
Powerful, insightful share. Working thru these emotions and feelings at a deeper level is always inspiring to witness.
i too have been extrememly angry at HP at times. The world was not working as it should The rules that I understood did not serve me and my life. My sponser reminded me that I was not seeing the entire picture and that my being angry with HP was Ok. HP understood and would lead me with love and empathy regardless of my anger.
As I read these replies; there's a smile on my face; at least more of one that would have been here earlier; it was an emotional post for me .. glad teddy gets a good cuddle .. When I think of all I can't control, change, cure .. it's funny .. i Never think of my anger .. and it's hit me that i am hardly ever in control of my anger and really it's my anger that gets the best of me .. ( I don't walk around reacting nonstop as I once did, but the feelings are out of control and with my alc I usually end up saying atleast one thing that was Much better left unsaid, which is why limits on the time is a good boundary for me) it's funny too when I think of my anger hurting others; I forget how much it really hurts me .. I was reminded of this also at the Sunday morning meeting this morning when I heard the phrase I've used So often myself .. Hurt people hurt people .. up until this morning i've only thought of that as hurt people hurt Other people .. i realise for me too this weekend that I hurt myself many times .. I'm also grateful to remember there is No sense to be made of the insanity because it's just what it is .. the insanity ..
When i think of the God of my understanding and the rules that never did work for me; they really weren't rules I really understood because there wasn't much sense to made out of some of them and yet, they were the rules and so I abided by them .. I think tonight what I'm most grateful for is the fact I did rage on God and Still He answered me .. with love .. as in action awareness and insight ..
I love the quote of the Highest form of wisdom being Kindness because all this year I have returned the hate with as much kindness as I could muster and not once did i Ever think of it as wisdom .. when i think of wisdom i think of the powerful aha moments and skip the wisdom in action .. go figure .. but then again nothing happens by mistake and when we're ready we see it .. I guess to some degree I'm ready .. I just realised this morning when I was thinking of the deeper understanding of the steps and deeper levels .. deeper understanding of me .. God will take me, I know, to whatever level I'm willing to go in me .. with the relationship i was in, I recognised there are different levels to relationships; I wanted a deeper level then what I was receiving ..
Thank you to all of you for sharing and supporting .. I draw so much strength and clarity from you and by turning here and turning to the literature, I didn't have just my mind to reason things through with .. without this by this time tonight I would of been a raging idiot and I have a feeling there's a good chance my own teddy woulda been punched and then i woulda been feeling the guilt and making amends after amends to my teddy .. go figure .. smiles ..
I appreciate you all .. i would type more than you know, but then I'm pretty sure .. you know !!
I love my teddy too. I have had my big yellow ted since I was a baby born. He was bigger than I was. He is 41 years old. I have had him moved interstate with me after being in my Mums garage for about 15 years. He has been professionally cleaned and restuffed. Always as a child he sat on my bed right up to my leaving home at 17. As a small child I cared for that bear. Not one rip or tear and he still has his original eyes and nose. He is a wise bear.
I have him on my bed again now. He is starting to look a bit dirty again. At night he sits on top of my washing basket. The other day I saw my hubby put his clothes in teh basket.. he was trained like that when I got him hehehhe.... and he lifted teddy up by the ear to lift the lid on the basket.
Well, he was told "Did you just lift poor old Ted up by the ear?" Hubby looks at me.. ummm yeeeaaaahhhh... "well don't!!!!! He is 41 years old and I am not having you tear an ear off when I have kept him safe for so long". He actually said "Ohhh sorry Ted" and I put Ted back on the bed.
Funny I know... we were kidding around... but in reality.. there I was rushing to the protection of my old Teddy Bear. He has been there for me. He still absorbs my tears, and I swear he hugs me back.
Hmmmmm.. nope.. no Personality Disorder there bbaaaahhhhhhahahahahahahahaha.
lol Oksie .. makes me wanna get my own teddy out and give him a wash .. unfortunately, i don't have my own teddy anymore .. he was cleaned out with the house when my parents moved into their new house but that's another story and another resentment in the process still of healing .. things wouldn't turn out today (with my program the way they had in my prealanon days because i would have found my voice and used it .. when it came time for my parents to move; i didn't know at the time my siblings were on their way to clean out the house .. they cleaned me out of pretty much all of my childhood toys .. i still grieve it once in awhile especially now that I have kids but have since decided there are things I will have to carry in my heart instead .. Teddy is definitely in my memory & heart .. he would be about the same age .. such a selfish disease, they are all good people but they were very much self absorbed .. no thoughts to anything much more than themselves etc .. this of course was all done in the name of love .. ? .. sad the level of confusion in the family sometimes .. my daughter, however, (in her 20s) has her teddy named Missy .. it's a great memory and we can pass on all of my first teddy's care to hers .. (i think she probably needs to be sewn by now; otherwise, she looks good) It's a good thing I think Teddy's can't talk !! tehh I will say her teddy even knows My secrets .. I used to use her too once in awhile while she slept ..
My parents moved house and thankfully, because of the program, they asked me what I wanted. I think I had already raided the shed a few years earlier and took most of what I wanted. I am so very glad they kept so much of my stuff. My Mum is not sentimental at all, or a hoarder, so I am glad they did this. I can only assume because they had nothing as kids, and since they emigrated they have no childhood momento's
I am sorry you have lost your Teddy. You know they sell these things in shops dont you hehehehehehe. Pop along and grab your inner child a teddy. See which one she likes now that she has you to buy one for her.
If my Teddy could talk... I think the first thing he would say is... GET ME TO A THERAPIST!!!!!!! hehehehehehehehehe.
The rules that I understood did not serve me and my life. My sponser reminded me that I was not seeing the entire picture and that my being angry with HP was Ok. HP understood and would lead me with love and empathy regardless of my anger.
.. sad the level of confusion in the family sometimes .. my daughter, however, (in her 20s) has her teddy named Missy .. it's a great memory and we can pass on all of my first teddy's care to hers .. (i think she probably needs to be sewn by now; otherwise, she looks good) It's a good thing I think Teddy's can't talk !! tehh I will say her teddy even knows My secrets .. I used to use her too once in awhile while she slept ..