My ex and I separated 37 years ago and he and his wife have been in AA for a long time.  They were both heroin addicts and met in rehab, but lied to me for years about that until I found out they both have Hepatitis C.  We have one son who is 41 years old and still attempting to have some sort of meaningful relationship with his father, who is now 65.  

I wrote him an email last year telling him some of the things that I thought he might do to step up and be a parent to our son, which he has been sorely lacking in all these years.  Let me say that most of his life he has spent "looking for himself" by getting involved with all sorts of things, including seeing a guru in India, buying property and building a sweat lodge, starting an AA spiritual bookstore, etc.   His life with me when we were married was hell--he was addicted to cocaine, marijuana, heroin, and anything else he could find.  I finally threw him out after watching him come down from heroin for the 3rd time.  He almost died a few months later when someone found him in a gas station bathroom with a needle in his arm.  His favorite way of controlling me was threatening suicide which he started when I was only 16.  I should have figured out what he was like then, but I was a kid.

In any case, I wrote him again a few days ago and asked him to please help our son who has gone through so many bad things in the past year it is unbelievable.  All he did was tell me to not contact him.  At first I thought, Okay, but then I decided to send him a letter which was very long chronicalling many of the incidents starting with when I was young, during the time we were married, and the events that he failed to remember when he was messed up on drugs.

Please note that I never wrote to him or said much of anything to him for the past 37 years.  My only concern has been our son, whom I raised by myself for the most part.  Up to now I was afraid to say what I thought because everytime I mentioned anything at all in the past he took it out on our son.

My son has PTSD from being beaten unconscious a few years ago, our boat sank during the tsunami last year which he was living on and lost just about everything he owned.  His business went down the toilet due to the economy and I have been helping him out with all of this. 

The response I got from him was that I was poisoning our son with my toxic thoughts and not to interfere with their relationship--which by the way is almost nonexistent.  He recommended that I needed therapy. 

I thought that having the courage to finally tell him what I thought of him and the things he did was a big step for me.  Apparently he didn't like what I said, although every word was the truth.  As I see it, he is addicted to AA and religion now and thinks he is so spiritual, but honestly, it doesn't seem to me that anything has changed.  A truly spiritual person would have had a normal response to my efforts to help he and my son develop a better relationship because I told him that my son wanted me to do this, as he is still afraid of losing his dad by telling him what he really thinks.

During the last several years my ex has spend most of his money on himself and provided absolutely nothing for our son, often complaining that he is poor and has no money.  This is total BS.  It is always about him, his needs, his this and his that.  It is pathetic.  As far as I am concerned he is still the same person he was and except for not drinking and taking drugs, he is still a con artist (believe me there is so much that I am not telling you--but suffice it to say that he is an incredible manipulator and exploits people that he befriends under the guise of helping them). 

I do not know what to do.  My son thinks he has changed and that was partly why I took a chance to write to him, but got blown off and then told I was the poison ruining his relationship with our child.  My son knows what his father is like, but still wants to believe.  I honestly cannot go along with this fantasy of his, and if I dare say anything which he perceives is against his dad, I am being negative.

I decided to stay out of their relationship, except for asking my ex to assist with some funds to help my son out.  I have paid for everything to help my son over the past several years while his dad says that helping him is enabling him.  He also thinks that my son is an addict--which he is not.

I went to Al anon several years ago and my second husband, who also was an alcoholic (unknown to me at the time until after we were married for awhile), eventually left me so he could continue drinking.  He died a few years later at 49 from his alcoholism.  He left after he found out that I was going to Al anon.

I thought that he might recover and get help--but that obviously didn't happen.  He ran away with another woman who let him drink. 

All I want now is to help my son have a better relationship with his dad but I really don't think he can.  The guy is a jerk and always will be.  He has bought into his own self deception of who he thinks he is, but I can see through all of this.  As I mentioned earlier, he is con artist.

I am tired of having to take on all the rsponsibility for my son's welfare.  also my ex has never followed some of the steps from AA and admitted what he did to my son--claiming he doesn't remember due to the drugs, and has never made amends.  So as far as I am concerned, he is just as pathological as he ever was but he looks good to people who totally buy into this sort of thing.  I believe he is addicted to AA, going to AA conferences, spending all his money on his AA bookstore, etc.  Whatever.

There is only one thing to do with your ex-husband. Turn him over to your higher power. Your work on him is finished. He is a grown man who makes his own decisions. He gets the benefit of his good decisions and the consequences of his bad decisions. My AH died and our son had not contacted us for years. He did not come to the hospital or the funeral. It was very hurtful to me, but it is something that I have turned over to my HP.

The crying, the wishing, the letter writing, the anger, fear, and confusion are making your life hard. They are all ways that the A continues to control you. Don't tell you ex that you have released him. Let him figure it out for himself.

I highly recommend buying Co-Dependent No More from Audible.com.

I have the book in audible form and listen to some of it everyday. Listening to the book, attending Al-Anon face to face meetings, attending online meetings, talking to a counselor, reading Al-Anon books, journalling are some of the changes in my life since I started with that book. Another book that is so helpful is Women Who Love Too Much.

One thing I have learned even stronger is we cannot control anyone but ourselves.

I know I don't like to be told or suggested what I need to do.If I ask for support and ideas that is fine. But to me everyone has a right to their own lives, their own decisions. Even if we believe they are wrong.

My two kids are adults too. Younger than your son. My sons relationship with his father I have left totally up to him since he was small. I never put his father down.

They have no relationship because my son wants it that way. Its none of my business.

Some families do have the way of telling each other what to do. Saying you should a lot. In my experience it never made a very close family. It was a family of resentments.

We all need our parents to completely let go. We grow and thrive by making our own decisions and mistakes.

I know if I tried to make my sons father do anything, my son would know that and know dad did not do it out of his own heart. So it would mean nothing.

He would be mad at me for sticking my nose in it.

Even though our desires may be in the right heartwise, does not mean it is right to do it.

If my ex AH wants to go live in the woods and make it that way and never talk to his son, that is his choice. It has nothing to do with me.

So what can we do? We work on our own lives. Work on our own relationships. We learn that to try to control others is exausting as it is impossible to do.

So I drop the rock. I do this with many things that are too big for me.

Glad you came here. It was very brave of you to share and listen to our thoughts and experience. Believe me we would ALL do what you tried to do if it would work. Many of us did try just like you. That is where Al Anon teaches us another direction to go.

going to meetings for you both may really be a good thing! Its wonderful you love your son so much! love,debilyn

Dear Everyone who responded,
I have almost no contact with my ex ever. We never speak or talk. This situation came about only after he decided to take my son on a trip in between one I had scheduled for May with my son. I ended up canceling my trip because my son couldn't afford to go both places. I only asked my ex for help since work is so slow for my son, that he pay the slip fees on my boat so my son could go with him because I knew my son was too afraid to ask.

What I wrote to him came from saying nothing about anything that happened between us and almost no contact for the past 37 years. I never told him what happened to my son and myself. I felt it was time. Believe me, I do not want to control this nitwit. I have avoided him like the plague since we split up in 1975. My only concern is for my son once again being misled by his dad's manipulations and I end up paying the price. This man made our life a living hell for years after we split up so it never ended. Most of that time he and his wife were still doing drugs or drinking or whatever they did. I really didn't care unless it involved my son.

I do not believe for one moment that he has done anything worthwhile in AA or NA or any of the other programs. In fact I believe he is addicted to AA. I learned a lot when I went to Al anon 12 years ago, and as a result, my second husband got up and left me. Good riddance. It was play the alcoholics game or get lost. I am still a threat to the old ex--hence his requirement for no contact. I realized that he is very afraid of me, because I know the truth about who and what he is. I really don't care if he destroys himself but I do care about my son. Please note my son has PTSD and is having a very hard time at present. Otherwise I would have not said anything to this guy.

I am sorry but I don't believe in let it be or god or anything else that goes on with AA or these programs. I think one has to decide for himself what to do. I believe in myself and what is best for my son who still suffers from the damage his father caused. It seems to me that if his father had recovered even slightly he would try to get along and work with me to help our son. Since he has had almost 38 years to do this and is still blaming me--like he always did--I think he is just doing what he always does. Believing he is superior now because he became a therapist, which I recently found out that he never finished the program but runs around trying to act like he knows what everyone else (including me now) should do. He is full of his own arrogance.

My only regret is that I married him and our son was born and suffered from this situation. My son said he had changed--I tried to believe this but he hasn't.

Madonna has a song where she says that the guy has fallen for his own disguise, but she can see behind his eyes. That even the devil wouldn't recognize him but she does. And so do I. I know evil when I see it.

The al anon and codependency studies didn't really get thru my thick skull until I read, studied and worked with my therapist on boundaries. Then it all made total sense. It's time to stop protecting your son. You did a great job with him and he needs to find his own coping skills to handle the difficulties life handed him. In the long run, its a favor. It allows him to gain his own sense of accomplishment and self sufficiency. He knows you've always been there. He will learn the truth about his dad on his own. Hugs from another single parent, and from a daughter who's parents have helped support me in darker times, but knew when to let me handle my difficulties myself. It wasn't always easy, but I respect them for it.

What to do with ex husband??? Or what to do with you? Higher power can only work with whoever is willing, my friend.

I'm not sure of the motive for your post. You don't believe in anything we do here, yet you are here. And your life... and what you are doing... does NOT seem to be working for you....

I do relate. I once had my own designs for living too, it didn't work out for me either, in fact it led to my restlessness, irritability and great discontent. If only everyone in my life would just do what I thought they should do!!!! Then this world might be a better place, haha

When I could accept that what I was doing was NOT WORKING, I became honest, open-minded, and willing enough to shut up and listen. Oh the bruise to my ego!!!! For a time, I see-sawed back and forth about whether or not I should keep doing what I was doing, or try something different. Eventually, the suffering became so great. I was on my knees. Maybe you're just not there yet.

I have been accused of being addicted to this program. When I consider the source, it really doesn't bother me, she never had anything I wanted, nothing about my sister was attractive, she is an angry, lonely woman.....

To me, this program is a gift from Higher power. I can be addicted to many things, they all have consequences... some good and some obviously not so good. I like the consequences of practicing the 12 steps. It waaaay beats being addicted to other people and what I think they should be doing. Playing god was not good for me, it only left me feeling angry and resentful because I couldn't get anyone else to play along, lol

Namaste, my friend.