The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi, I'm Dolly and I am married to an alcoholic. I've been going to face to face meetings sporadically for a few years now and have recently stepped up to more regular attendance, as I find myself feeling so lifted by the grace of Al Anon.
My AH is highly functioning and the binge drinking type, but the personality and behavioral traits are the same as if he downed a gallon a day.
After years of being on the fence and several separations, I have come to accept that life with a drunk is not a life that I want. Were my H in recovery and sincerely working a program, I would be by his side every step of the way. But...that is not his choice, and since I can't control him, I have to accept that. Who am I to say that the path he is on right now is not the path God needs him to be on?
Yesterday, I told him I want a divorce. It has been a struggle to come to this decision, but I finally feel at peace with it. Deeply. I am telling you, God was in my house last night. The calm I felt in my heart was eerie. My HP is coming through for me every step of the way, opening the doors I believe He wants me to walk through, putting people in my path that I need to connect with. I thank God for this program; it has saved my sanity.
After my divorce conversation with my H (he is currently out of state for work), I comforted myself by chatting with a friend, watching some stand-up comedy on TV, and remembering to have a healthy dinner. My H chose to comfort himself with the bottle and indulge his self-hatred and shame. The miracle was, I did not feel the need to call and check up on him, to see if he was ok, still alive, or had a change of heart about treatment. Mind you, the thoughts were in my head, but I did not act on them. For all I know, maybe he needs to drink himself into the ER tonight. I don't know God's plan.
So while I am mourning my marriage and in a way mourning my H, I am also going to keep going to meetings, reading all the wonderful posts here, and keeping my focus on MYSELF. I can pray for my H and give him up to God.
Thanks for being here, and for reading.
__________________
Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
Thank you for sharing your journey I know that your decision to end your marriage was not made lightly. I also have experienced that "Calm" that Surpasses Understanding ", that you have spoken about.
I do believe HP was very present in your home and heart last night and will continue to speak to you as you move forward on this life journey.
Stay close to alanon face to face meetings and continue to check in here . You are worth it
Thanks for sharing, Dolly. I am in a very similar situation as yours and am pretty sure after a great deal of thought and prayers that I will be informing my AH that I want a divorce. Just like you said, if he were making ANY attempts towards recovery or asking for help, I would be right there for him. But in almost a year since I separated from him, he has not made any changes. When nothing happens, nothing happens. Yes, like you said, I don't know what God's plan if for my AH. I just know that God is leading me on a good path right now to my own recovery. Way to work your program! Sending you lots of ESH right now!
You are really working a good program. Wow. I'm not saying this cuz you decided to divorce either. I can hear the steps coming through in your reasoning and stated behaviors.
I'm telling you...it is a miracle. It's like this peace and knowing came over me quite quickly. Not less than 3 weeks ago, I was in the emotional weeds, frustrated and scared. I feared that serenity would always elude me. I just finally gave up...gave up all illusion that my situation was anything other than what it was. I daresay I feel immune to my AH's words and manipulations...I can see it as his disease talking...I can understand it as him being under complete control of his addiction...he can't see that yet (and maybe never will). My perspective shifted, almost all of a sudden.
I have no interest in analyzing why I feel so differently now...but I do want to help others come to the same place. So, if I had to pin it down to one thing, I would say this peace came into my heart when I truly gave my life up to my HP, and when I spoke from the truth that I knew deep in my soul.
And that would have never happened without meetings!
-- Edited by Dolly Llama on Sunday 11th of March 2012 06:01:18 PM
__________________
Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
Dolly, the thing that continues to amaze me about my HP, this program, life, the universe and everything is that I receive the message I need to hear when I need to hear it.
I know that surrender you are talking about. It was also about 3 weeks ago for me, too, when I let go and really listened to that voice from my soul.
After so many years of fighting against the flow of my life, calmly letting go is such a foreign and new feeling for me. Why am I feeling so calm about something that will be so life changing?
The calm surrender is a good feeling, though. I think I'll try to keep it around today.
It sounds as if you are very much at peace with your decision. I know how hard it must have been to get to the point of feeling confident about your choice. Thank you so much for sharing!
I felt exactly the same way a couple of weeks ago when I approached my AH with separating. I felt so at peace and calm just like you said I felt my HP was right there walking hand and hand with me. The problem I have is the guilt when he calls/texts/or I see him and he tells me how much he misses me and the kids and wants to do anything to get better so he doesn't lose us. My fear is I'm already gone. I just can't say even if he does recover how I will feel in the days/months ahead. I can see the depression in his face and I hate it. However my whole life I've reacted to everyone's emotions and tried to be who they wanted me to be. My family has played the guilt card so many times. Al-Anon has made me feel like an adult. I feel confident and want to learn about myself and be who I was meant to be. I am also an alcoholic. I just don't understand two weeks ago he was yelling at me that I'm in a religious cult (AA), I'm being brainwashed, and he doesn't have a problem like we think we do. Now all of a suddent all these nice words, cards, flowers, and I hate to say it, but I'm just not feeling it, only guilt for me and pity for him.
-- Edited by gr8tful01 on Friday 7th of September 2012 09:32:05 AM
A couple of weeks ago I approached my AH with separating. I felt so at peace and calm and I felt my HP was right there walking hand and hand with me. The problem I have is the guilt when he calls/texts/or I see him and he tells me how much he misses me and the kids and wants to do anything to get better so he doesn't lose us. My fear is I'm already gone. I just can't say even if he does recover how I will feel in the days/months ahead. I can see the depression in his face and I hate it. However my whole life I've reacted to everyone's emotions and tried to be who they wanted me to be. My family has played the guilt card so many times. Al-Anon has made me feel like an adult. I feel confident and want to learn about myself and be who I was meant to be. I am also an alcoholic. I just don't understand two weeks ago he was yelling at me that I'm in a religious cult (AA), I'm being brainwashed, and he doesn't have a problem like we think we do. Now all of a sudden all these nice words, cards, flowers, and I hate to say it, but I'm just not feeling it, only guilt for me and pity for him.
-- Edited by gr8tful01 on Friday 7th of September 2012 09:37:09 AM
