The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As I sit here my 15 year old is in her room alseep. She should be in school.
I have tried everything to get her to go to school,but she refuses to go. The next thing is the school putting a PINS on her. She did not use this weekend thank God,but her behavior is the same. I'm sooooooooo tired of this mess. I hurt from a new job I just got to pay for her treatments. I feel it's a waste of time being that it will only work if the person is willing to let it work and I'm wasting money for all this. I have to drive out of town to take her and tommorrow I cannot even take her a friend is taking her because I have to get my other children on the bus. I have 6 kids,my older 3 are xxxx and are using and my 3 little ones do not need to see this mess incase it has a bad influnace on them. Ugh, I'm at my wits end. I even missed a doctors appointment for myself when my girl was in the hospital and now they are charging me for a missed appointment. They might not let me in to see my doctor because of this charge which I think is so unfair. My work is hard (being a waitress at night) I'm messing up there too being new and all and have the managers breathing down my back. Ihave to go in for extra training if they let me so I do not lose my job. I'm scard because I'v never felt this kind of pressure money wise even when I was poorer than this. I do pray everyday, I talk to another person in recovery and read recover stuff everyday. I just needed to vent. I'm also going through an ugly divorce and we are stil living together because we don't have the money to live apart yet. I just feel too much pressure and I'm worried that one day my girl will OD (again) and I'd lose her. It's just not fun being me any more and I'v lost hope. My soon to be ex is an alcoholic too on a dry drunk, he is not in recovery. I said he could not drink aroud the kids any more and so he stopped,but he has not changed and makes up lies that he belives to be true and it's all so crazy. I'm in recovery,but my world is still sick.
-- Edited by canadianguy on Wednesday 18th of March 2009 01:39:58 PM
Good morning zoomie. First I want you to know that I send you sincere good wishes, prayers, and positive thoughts. Your plight sounds difficult, and it is obvious you are trying to succeed for your family.
Calling your three older children f***ups is a surefire way of making them just that. All three older ones using indicates some deep-rooted parenting problem which needs to be addressed before they are completely lost. Of course the older ones will have a negative effect on the younger ones. That's a given. Rearing six children is not easy under the best of circumstances, and for you, the task is even more daunting. Yours is a whole family in crisis, and I am certainly not one who is qualified to assist in straightening it out. You MUST seek outside help to save not only yourself but your precious children. I pray that you will find the strength to get through this. Keep your faith. If ever there was a good time to use a cliche' it is now; ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!
With deep caring, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Diva, I have ben trying for years and years to get help for these three older children. They are almost 20 ,19 and 15 my ex husband is a user and abuser and that is not my fault. This husband now is on a dry drunk, again not my fault. I have taken them to metnal health people and spent $100,000 of thousands of dollars on the older kids to try and make up for anything and everything. What my older boys have learned is to abuse their mother in an emotional way and xxxxthier lives by not going to school and using. They are old enough now to either go to school and stop using or to. My 15 year old now get driven to her appointemtns and payed for and any little thing that would help her suceed in school or life has been given to her. for you to have a prissy ass Mr. Rodgers attitude on an Al-anon board is way out of line. You judged me on my kids. I was venting here using what I feel is a virbal way of exspression of calling my older ones xxxx ups in which they are doing as I write. Today I woke my girl up, I told her I'd drive her to school even before my appointment,she would not go because the past weekend she has been out with friends. I even gave her moeny for the movies this weekend. I feel like giving up,but have not yet. My soon to be ex and I never fight in front of the kids,but the tention is hard going. I tell you what, you can send me a check then all my troubles will be over as far as being able to move and get ride of at least one stresser.
-- Edited by canadianguy on Wednesday 18th of March 2009 01:41:22 PM
Thanks Nancy, I almost did not come back. This whole addition this is like the chicken or the egg thing. I know addiction runs in my family as far back as when time started. I never once blamed my mother for my addiction nor my father. What is is. I don't blame my daughter or sons for their addictions,but I'm trying to save myself from their self distruction. LOL, my kids blame me for everything from not enough hot water to take a shower to giving them too much. Again I came to this board for support in how to take care of "me" during my daughter's addiction not to get blamed nor did I come for parenting advice. If I wanted parenting advice, I'd go to a parenting board.
zoomie I cannot imagine the stress you are under. And to vent is perfectly ok, even if it means telling me what you think of me and what I had to say!!! Believe me, if I had the money you need, I WOULD send it to you. That's another acceptable way of helping those in need. What I CAN do is tell you that as long as you are doing the best you can, that is all you can do. That's all ANY of us can do. If it makes you feel better to call me names, that is fine with me.
Sincere good wishes, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Zoomie--I can't imagine all the grief and embarrassment you're under. I really can't. But I can know for sure that we are a program of 1) tough love and 2) solutions. There are professional programs for you to help you with bills, housing, life, et cetera--I know because I tried unsuccessfully to get into these. It sounds like in your circumstances you may qualify for some of these grants, food stamps, housing, et cetera. In addition, I hope you come to meetings---be they here or in your local area. Raising 6 kids~geez that's tough. Worrying about 3 of them in active disease! My god. That's so hard.
Zoomie one of the best things that was in the new comers packet I got when I came was a book mark was called "Just for today" and it said "Just for today I will live through this day only. I can handle something for 12 hours that would appal me if I had to live with it for the rest of my life." You might want to think about living, working, doing Just for today.
Ouch! As a Mom of six myself I know that it is a lot of work under any circumstances.
I also know the drill of making too much money for assistance. The number is very low, so if you make any almost decent amount of money qualifying is almost impossible. The only thing I can tell you is to keep trying. Your older kids are no longer minors, so they are basically responsible for themselves.
This is not parenting advice, it is Alanon advice. If your kids are treating you disrespectfully, it is not your fault, but you are allowing it. That is where taking care of you comes in. You need to set boundaries. Behavior that you will accept towards you.
We have no control over the actions of others, but we can control what we will accept. Tough love is a hard principle, but if they live under your roof then they live by your rules. If you are busting your butt working, they can't have a free ride. You are not a door mat! You deserve respect and you deserve help.
It does not matter if you are a recovering alcoholic. It does not matter if addicition runs in your family. You did not cause this. The 3C's, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. But as a member of AA, you know you can help yourself.
There is help out there, and it might be at a place with a sliding scale that will look at your expenses and not just the bottom line. Don't give up. Start with yourself. Do not accept the blame for everything and do not be the one to try and fix everything. You count too.
Love Jeannie
PS. Please don't think I am judging you, I'm wouldn't do that. But 15 year olds cannot refuse to go to school. They cannot refuse to go. If she won't go, you are opened to charges. Don't allow that to happen. She must accept the consequenses of her actions. Get her butt up and majke her go to school. She is 15, she doesn't get a choice, the worst you'll be is a mean Mom..
I can totally understand your frustration. I went through a similiar experience with my oldest daughter when she was 15. She was doing drugs, skipping school, running away....the whole bit. I tried a few different things......one was having her involuntarily commited to a mental healthy facility that dealt with addiction. I know this doesn't work for adults, but part of me believes it can help with minors. And 15 is a minor regardless of what she thinks. Prior to this she was skipping school constantly. I would personally drive her to school inconviencing myself by having to get up extra early so I wouldn't be late to work. No matter what I did she would end up leaving. After a while the school was threatening me since she wasn't in class. Finally I had had enough so I pulled her out of school completely and signed her up for home schooling. I was lucky enough to have a very understanding boss and since I managed my own cell phone store it worked out perfect. I brought her to work with me every day and set her up with the homeschool books I had gotten through ebay (very inexpensive) I told her ok since you don't want to go to school now you don't have to. This cut down on all the time I was wasting going to useless parent teacher conferences and at least I knew where she was during the day. I know this isn't an option for everyone and I was thankful that it was for me.
Her behavior began to improve for a while than went spiraling back downhill. She came to my office high out of her mind and I just lost it. I drove her to the police station which turned out to be a joke. They said they couldn't drug test every child who's mom thought she might be high. Okkkkkkkkkk. Next we went to the ER. I told them I wanted her tested for everything under the sun. Reluctantly they agreed. Turned out she was taking estacy. She tested positive for herion, cocaine, ups, downs and whatever other chemicals were in these estacy pills. Unreal. A few days later she ran away again and I called the police. They said there really wasn't anything they could do unless she was a threat to herself or others. My God she was 15 and out of control! I couldn't understand why noone cared. Long story short I went to the house I knew she was at and purposely pushed her buttons until she kicked me. At which point I had her arrested. It was the only way to get her in the system and get her the help and supervision she needed. I told her since she refused to listen to my rules, then she'd have no choice but to listen to the states rules until she turned 18. She was going to answer to someone dammit! Again I lucked out and got a great judge who scared the bejesus out of her. Also got a great probation officer who drug tested her constantly and made her toe the line. Thankfully all this together worked and she turned herself around. Now.....she's 19, has a 4 year old son and is recently slipping back to her old behavior. This time I view it differently. She isn't a minor anymore, she's an adult now. She knows the possible consequences to her choices. All I can do is give her the best suggestions I can and pray for her.
One more thing I wanted to touch on.......you mentioned in your first share that you are in recovery but your world was still sick. Do you have an Al Anon sponsor and are you working the steps as an anon? If not.......that's not exactly in recovery. I believe if you were to really work your program it would become easier and easier to put yourself first and not feel so overwhelmed as you do right now. You're in my thoughts.
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Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
Hi Kathy, I'm in recovery myself from alcohol for a while now. I did have 6 years until I slipped,but am gretful to be back. That is what I mean that I'm in recovery. I'm getting better reguarding my program with AA and thought I'd give Al-anon a shot. I really did not want to go through Al-anon being I'm in recovery and it would be like a sheep going into a danger zone,but with my daughter and how upset I am, I thought I'd give Al-anon a try.
We have had my daughter commeted 3 times in a mental ward the past few years and just got her out of rehab. I have talked to a parol officer to try and get PINS on her. I have talked to the school and asked if they would being they would have more wieght with putting my girl on PINS. Next step is for the school to do it. I'v too called the police when she ran off ODing on DXM and they found her. I just get upset when my little ones have to see this mess. My little ones are 10,8 and 4. I have also moved my girl with her natural father for 2 years and that tuned out worse than when she lived with me. I'm to the point of wanting to put her in a girls home or a sober house because I cnanot stand the stress. She lies,steals,goes bonkers at the drop of a hat. She has snuck out of the house when everyone is asleep,she even had a day when she went out of state with other kids to visit another kid on a school day. Grounding her is a joke. She gets physical when I try and take the computer away. She has always been a handful being she is ADHD,but she is also very gifted and knocks professionals socks off in how smart she is. She is too smart. I have no fear in the school pressing charges against me for her not going to school being I'v contacted them every time she has skipped school. She also ODed on campus and they had to call the police and ambulance to take her to the emergency room,so they know what's going on. She did not try to kill herself,but wanted to catch a buzz of of coricedin which she can buy at any store. She did cocain being with her dad,smoked pot, has tried extacy (sp) and the list goes on. Right now she likes the over the counter stuff that would kill you faster than any street drug being the kids have to take more of it. I drive her to school after I get my other kids on the bus,but then she is like an hour late for school. I cannot leave my little ones to take her to school even if she got up. Anyway, I'm at my wits in being that AA is the flip side,so I wanted to see how the other half handled situations like this.
