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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Just need to vent...
Post Info TOPIC: Just need to vent...
hotrod


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Just need to vent...
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DB
I hear you Glad you came here and let it go. The" isms 'are certainly cunning and powerful.
You did very well. Validate your choices to yourself You are intelligent and work at a noble profession.  
 
 Keep the focus on yourself Repeat the Serenity Prayer and know that you did/ said the right thing.
 
Do something nice for yourself and know you are not alone.


-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 9th of March 2012 11:45:53 PM

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
db55


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Needing to vent this evening.  AH (2 months sober/ 20+ years in and out of AA) tells me tonight that "we need to talk"  Me:  Ok, what's up?  AH:  You know I really want to buy an airplane, right?  Me:  On the ceiling, trying to calm down and calmly say:  Well, after you pay that $34,000 you borrowed on our line of credit for that last investment that fell through....disbeliefno

OK... you can guess what comes next.  Little boy who can't get the toy he wants in the toystore.  Knows he has wasted a lot of money, so he first blames me for attacking him then puts me down by telling me that I never took/take any risks, all I was was a safe school teacher... blah blah blah...

Now, I get the cold shoulder the rest of the night... probably the rest of the weekend.

yawn



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db55


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Thanks for the reply.  I could just say, "You're an adult and earn money, you make your own decision."  But, that is not really being in an adult relationship.  That's like a parent giving in for the kid to quit crying.  That would be easy for me for a while, but only until the bills come in and he is whining that he made another mistake and how sorry he is and on and on... I really tried to get back to calm and state alternatives .... ARGGGG... It's tough when your husband is always mad at youconfuse.  He is not happy and it is always my fault.ashamed

 

yawn  Haven't let it go yet, but trying....



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Jerry F


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(((((db55)))))...from another angle you might thank him for the quiet serene weekend you're gonna have.  Also you get to see that other "it's all about me" alcoholic personality again and the confirmation is always good when it helps you arrive at, "Aha I get it!!" with a smile and move on to a quiet weekend.  

Just a pyschological marker for alcoholics is "risk taker" bad risks have bad consequences on everyone involved.  Invest in yourself.

In support (((((hugs)))))  smile



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tiredtonite


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Oh well... he'll get over it.  It's good you recognize the blaming pattern and see it for what it is - a distraction from what the matter is really about. He tells you the problem isn't the money, it's that you have no sense of adventure. lol  Good you know better!

You don't need to be held hostage by his disease all weekend.  Plan B?  Even a few nice walks outdoors on your own could be a good form of detachment and a way to hold onto your serenity.  Enjoy!   TT



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rehprof


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Airplanes..for your AH. For my ex if was --  Boats. Cool cars. New technology. Golf. Paintball. -- if I reminded him of our financial limitations...i was the cranky "mom" wet-blanket. He once bought a 15K boat online without my knowledge.

It's SO tough to deal with their inability to make rational decisions -- for mine, (soon to be ex) he is still doing whatever feels good in the short term...despite long term financial consequences.

I wish I had separated our financial stuff sooner than I did.

Take care of you, and try to minimize the consequences of his "whims" on your financial health. that way he is the only one who is dealing with the negative consequences of his decisions...

unfortunately, this is often very tough to actually do...just little steps would have helped me -- like not having a joint checking account...in hindsight I wouldve just had my name on car loans etc..and his on his...

take care, and sending you strength

rehprof



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db55


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Thanks for all the responses. I am breathing deeply... relief. It's nice to have validation. Rehprof, one thing I did say to him yesterday was that if he were going to buy an airplane that I wanted all of our finances separated before he did that. That I was not going to be responsible for any more debt! We actually are pretty well off as far as debt goes, but I want none. The 34K is what I am previously angry about... I thought we had closed our line of credit and only had our home mortgage.... Found out he had gone and borrowed money w/o my knowledge to invest in some get rich quick scheme... about the 20th one in 10 years, that failed.... only for him to feel ashamed (again)... Why didn't he ask/tell me.... He said because he knew I would say NO! I am out the door for a while today!!! Thanks again for the support!

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