Have been doing pretty well at remaining calm and trying  not to argue with my AH when he starts his lying and accusations but he had gone on for so long the past 2 days that at 3am, I am staring at the ceiling, literally with my head/hair in my hands because I'm so frustrated. I snapped and called his cell phone and just let it fly - everything!!!! It got it off my chest and went to sleep but this morning, I regret it. I am so tired of living like this. I really get what Al Anon is trying to teach, I do, and I admire those of you that can do it but it seems like such a selfish life for one partner to lead in a marriage situation (in violation of the sober partners needs). I think maybe I could do it if it were a parent, child, etc. but a spouse is a different relationship and I don't know if I can do it.

Today my dad is going in for results of cancer screenings and I needed some support which my AH can't provide because in anger , he has made a nasty comment about when my dad dies, not just if. It's our son's birthday and I am trying to plan a family get-together but I can't invite him now because he is mad at my parents for taking me in when he became physically abusive for the first time last month.

I have lost so much faith in him because of his lying and now I have found cell phone records where he has an hours worth of phone conversations with a young girl from his AA meeting and although he explains it by saying he was talking to her about selling one of our cars, I have doubts. He's not the same person and one of his biggest problems, even when sober, is that he is jealous and controlling.He has so convinced himself that I have cheated on him (I didn't) and I know it's in the sick, distorted part of his mind that he will get even.

 I worked on a case file in my new job yesterday that involved a foster care adoption case of a little girl. She was placed with a couple at 5 days old and they were adopting her at 9 months old. When I quit work to be at home, we were going to register to provide foster care. This is something that I felt a real God-given calling to do. Although my AH was preferring that we spend our empty-nest years traveling which to me meant getting buzzed as we sit by the ocean. BORING! But, for once in my life, I was going to insist that we do something that I wanted. Anyway, that's when my AH's husband's drinking got really bad so that has been put on hold, probably won't happen if we stay together. I just kept thinking, she could have been ours. We have two sons so I was going to register to keep girls and the younger the better. I was told that those kind of children can be few and far between but it could happen. The people in charge were so excited in us as a couple, I know that they would have given us first shot at that baby.

SO, I had a lot of things just built up yesterday. Feel like I have made so many concessions to what he wants, while my needs are put on the back burner and I am really angry and hurt about it. I have decided not to go back home because of his anger. I made an appt. with a marriage counselor but feel like it's a last ditch effort to try to have some kind of mediation in our arguments.

I'm a bad Al Anon student. I know. Just reached my limit yesterday. Anyone else ever done something like this. In the grand scheme of things, does it make one iota of difference in things? 

Don't beat yourself up! If you lost your temper and let him have it, so be it. No need to waste more energy on regret. Just use this incident to build awareness - the yelling at him made you feel better and you could get some sleep but today you are stuck w/regret now and that feels lousy too. Don't worry about any affect it may have had on him, worry about you. I threw temper tantrums for years, what I finally realized was they hurt ME. Al-Anon is a gentle process, we can't force ourselves to change ourselves and our behaviors right away anymore than an alcoholic can force themselves into sobriety as quickly as we'd like. You are exactly right active A's are as selfish as they come, so don't beat yourself up about feeling angry and frustrated by your situation. Your feelings are valid.

There is no way you can be a bad student, my Al-Anon meetings say there are no musts and I've never seen people get grades. As a matter of fact, I hear all the time take what you like and leave the rest. The program is for you, to let you be happy. Go very easy on yourself, if you have reached a limit that is a signal that it is time to start taking care of you. Al-Anon is there to give you tools to reach more peace and happiness. It is there to help you, not to make you abandon your feelings or deny yourself. Once I saw it as an ally, I was able to embrace the program and it is leading to more serenity than I've ever been able to force myself to have on my own.