The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
and I discovered .. I'm so not liking it .. well .. rephrase .. part of me is really digging it the other part is saying .. ummm .. not so much. The part that is not so much is the part that still is hurting and trying to rationalize with an irrational situation.
The part that is liking it is the softer part of me the part that was crusted over and hard, however just like making leather go from hard and stiff it's starting to feel soft and plyable which of course means a whole lot of what the heck is going on .. I cry, smile, laugh and feel so relaxed. It's not easy to feel that groove and not be on a major high or major low.
Think Diary of a Mad Woman (the movie si Diary of a Mad Black Woman, however I would say it can be changed to just woman and it fits across the board) and holy cow that is the anger I am feeling at the moment. There has been a big giant shift in it too .. first it was for the other person, it went to me and now I think it's kind of where it should be in a healthy person .. at my AH. HIS mess why do I need to clean it up?!
I swear I sat in church on Wednesday and it was as if God removed His hand from my mouth and said it's time. Awkward much? Pretty much .. it was crazy, .. and I keep saying .. umm .. any day now .. hand .. mouth .. me .. please?? It's as if a flood gate has opened and while maybe it's not fair .. please show me where any of this is fair. It's a craptastic situation made worse by the fact no one is talking about it. I'm so very tired at the moment. I'm just so very tired.
The really cool news is I have checked into college and will be registering shortly. I have decided on a major court reporting .. I can live anywhere in the USA which is completely freeing to know I can do that and still earn a living. It's going to take a lot of time and money .. that is going to be up to HP at this point. I have ideas however .. He is going to have to lead the way.
I feel empowered however .. LOL .. that being said .. HIGHLY empowered is not so good .. EMPOWERED is very good. So I need to dial it back a notch and find that place of empowerment that is not controlling or cruel. Boundaries are very good at the moment and I've been making big changes that the doormat no longer resides at this address she has packed her bags and moved on. My kids are hysterical over this idea. The bag lady has left the building. I am also trying to broden my horizons and make the best of some uncomfortable situations.
There was a little sliding over to the dark side of the control stuff .. at least though I have seen it, owned it and I'm just trying to move through it and not stay there.
I'm kind of hoping to have a few people over in the next few weeks to test out my house. I was so blessed at the AA meeting I attended .. it was lovely and I felt so welcomed .. my do not enter sign is coming down more. THAT right there is an accomplishment. There are some really difficult lessons going on and I have to say it's just so not easy to continue to have these things come up, I have lots to learn about myself and relationships. All I can do is take it one day at a time and remember that I'm also a child of God and I deserve to be treated with respect, dignity and kindness.
Thanks for letting me share. Hugs, P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
We all slip in our control issues and have moments of slapping ourselves upside the head and saying, "Now what the heck was I thinking when I said that?" The important thing is that you knew it, you saw the slip, and you owned up to it. We have to learn from our mistakes and God, unfortunately, lets us make a lot of them. It's all a part of making us whole. Thanks for sharing as we all learn from each other's life lessons here. So glad to hear you are going back to school. I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up, still thinking I'll go back to stock broker work but I really like the idea of working with 401K's and retirement planning, too. Who knows where I'll be once my son is in high school as I'm not sure I'm going to continue homeschooling past 9th grade.
There are some really difficult lessons going on and I have to say it's just so not easy to continue to have these things come up, I have lots to learn about myself and relationships.
All I can do is take it one day at a time and remember that I'm also a child of God and I deserve to be treated with respect, dignity and kindness.
Thanks for letting me share. Hugs, P :)
Dear Pushka
What an inspiring message of recovery. I agree becoming human and allowing myself to feel L those feelings was difficult at first but oh so worth it.
