The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
We have an old-timer in my tuesday group who always talks about the significance of step 2. It's the turning point. After I feel my life becoming unmanageable, the steps show me the way to spiritual awakening.
When my emotions spiral out of control, the pressure builds and who knows what I'll do after that. I recently read about scientific experiments showing that our brain just seems to naturally act on our earliest-learned information, ignoring the new information. We just go along with the same response we've always had regardless of changes in the situation. We have a natural resistance to change. And I am powerless over that!
But this is why I love the program so much, step two and three command me, if you will, to let go of my attachment to my thoughts, to employ immediate counter-force by turning to a Power Greater than my thoughts...
I have to tell my brain, stop. stop. stop. stop. stop. stop. To CHOOSE to be in the present moment, to get with God. And over time, my brain seems to cooperate, I am training myself to detach from my thoughts. I meditate daily and THAT is the mind I want to keep throughout the day. Until the next "opportunity" pops up, lol! Life keeps happening. Practice, practice. practice, as Jerry says....
Thanks for this very important post, my friend. I love your honesty, it helps me so much.
** lots of editing, I just love this topic, hahaha
-- Edited by glad lee on Friday 9th of March 2012 10:23:05 AM
-- Edited by glad lee on Friday 9th of March 2012 10:28:03 AM
-- Edited by glad lee on Friday 9th of March 2012 10:35:47 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
The topic in my weekly meeting last night was serenity. It got me thinking on the subject and I realized that in spite of attending Al Anon meetings for over a year now, serenity is something that is lacking from my life.
When I come home from work, I am still filled with anxiety in that moment I walk through the door, wondering if my wife will be drunk. Now, 99.5% of the days in the last 6 months or so that I've come home, she has been completely sober. So this lack of serenity is not based on anything she has done. It is something I am choosing.
Serenity is a choice. It isn't something that comes if you get everyone to behave the way you want or everything to go in a certain way. It is something that you can have in your life, regardless of what is going on around you. I sometimes wonder if maybe I don't want serenity, maybe I thrive on the chaos and discomfort and the worry?
Anyway, it was an eye opener, which made it a good meeting. I walked away from it with something to really think about. Thanks for letting me share.
Great share, Usedtobe! I, too, struggle a lot with true serenity. I am MUCH calmer than I was 18 months ago, for sure. But I also find that I actively choose to be tense and angry and anxious when I don't have much a reason to be any of those things. I'm working on developing practical tools for choosing serenity.
Same here. Although, my AH quit drinking just a few weeks ago. I still get anxious wondering if I'm going to come home and find him plastered and find the half full cups of beer laying around in different places in the house. I guess I still expect to see it. I tell myself that my tension is self-created and that I just have to let things 'be'. We're so used to chaos, that normal behavior throws us for a loop. Not that it's normal around my house, but at least the alcohol is gone.
I know when I heard the words of the Serenity Prayers I thought: "Why would I want serenity It sounds boring-- I like drama and confusion. " That of coarse was one of my many defects. The truth was I did not even know what serenity felt like . I did not know how powerful and enriching it could be to my life
As the serenity prayer states God Grant me the serenity It is not something I can achieve on my own It is the result of working the program, truly trusting HP and clearing up the negative energy from the past.
The serenity that I have been given is a deep sense that HP is in control . That even if I am enduring a very painful loss, or difficult situation, HP is with me and I can handle it with HP; It may not be something I want or like. I can even be angry on the surface, but deep down is the serenity to do the next right thing.
It is all a process and we are human. Old painful moments do surface at time --That is when I would ask HP for the serenity. Slowly my deep anxiety was replaced
I've got no serenity right now .. I do have the fact I have experienced it at least a few times and it's starting to get easier to handle. I'm caught in some big highs and lows of the moment. That's ok .. because what I do have is faith that I can get back there and maybe this time I can stay a little longer.
Great share and it's so easy to loose perspective on serenity and it can flip in a heartbeat you have given me something to refocus on today and I thank you!!!
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Usedtobe - I used to think that Serenity was something people had all the time or that they did not have any of the time. What I learned in the program (in AA mostly but I think it holds true here also) is that Serenity is not all or nothing. It comes in bursts - It comes in "AHA" moments. It comes when you just dumbstruck by God's mercy and when you are bursting with gratitude. If you have more of these times than you did a year ago....You get an A plus. You are right where you are supposed to be.
Serenity all day every day is not realistic. People on this board have written about "not going to crazytown" and trying to get back to serenity-town or whatever. To me, that is more true to how I see it. Serenity is more like a place....a state of mind that over time and with work in the program - You can access it more easily but it is an ongoing daily choice to try and head that way and to take that road rather than the other one you know does not lead there.
I think we get so used to feeling a certain fear response to a situation - like you mentioned coming home triggers it for you. If you used to come home to her drunkeness, that fear response from you probably became so ingrained in you and I think that it is actually very hard to let that go even though she is now sober. It becomes our defense mechanism I think and I swear we hold on to it as a protection from danger even though the danger isn't there any longer. Certain situations trigger it for me and sometimes I panic, like oh no, I'm sliding back out of the program, why am I so anxious?! I think it takes time to recondition ourselves. Just my opinion, but I don't think you don't want serenity, I just think it is your conditioned response.
I learned to ask myself questions when I worry, fret or predict bad things. "Is it true that (my wife will be drunk when I get home)?" - the answer of course is 'no' for that moment. "What will happen if she is drunk?" (insert your boundary of choice). It helps me with my ex who threatens me often and acuses me of things that aren't true.
So mine might be "is it true that my ex will get full custody of my kids" - "no", "what will happen if he does" - "I will have to deal with that when I get there". This doesn't sound relieving but it is. Because that first "no" for me allows me to relax and realize once again I'm telling myself bad things are going to happen when I have no facts to base it on.
I generally don't even ask myself the second question because the reality is, we can't answer that. We can only guess. What we need to realize is living a life in fear is not helpful and will not allow for serenity. So for today I say "is it true that my ex will get all the money from my promotion I got today?" (this is a real today example by the way) - "no it is not true". I can go on to try and guess how much he stands to get once it comes to light but why? That will take away my joy of working hard and getting my promotion because I deserve it. I'll deal with the child support issue later. I have no control over what the state of CA does with child support and no amount of worrying will stop it, fix it or change it so for now I choose to enjoy and celebrate
And maybe buy a house with a bigger house payment.... (that's my mischevious side)!
Will my husband be stoned (wife be drunk) when I walk in the door??? I always assume.. yes.. what will I do if he is... I will XYZ (walk the dog, make dinner, read a book) What will I do if he isn't ... I will XYZ (walk the dog, make dinner, read a book)
Why are those two answers the same????
Its not about him thats why.
In my mind, my husband is an addict. One day he will relapse completely again, I know he will. What am I going to do on that day.. hopefully the same as I would any other day.
Your situation may be different for safety reasons, or kids or something but I think in essence... thats how I keep my head in the moment and the focus on me.
The thing is that 99.5% days is not 100% of the days, so your feelings may be acknowledging something very real, which is that it is a possibility. Even 100% of the days when there's a history of addiction is not something that would necessarily lead to relaxation. I'm not saying it's right to be anxious -- what I mean is that it's good to aim for serenity even if it's 0% of the days. And that sometimes our feelings are there to be acknowledged as real, but they shouldn't take over the whole show. Don't know if that makes sense -- take what you like and leave the rest.
