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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> argument with hubby not the end of the world
Post Info TOPIC: argument with hubby not the end of the world
Oksie


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argument with hubby not the end of the world
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That title sounded like this post would be negative I guess but I am thinking it isn't so much.

All couples argue hey.  All couples get on each others nerves and have bad days etc.  Well it seemed yesterday we met at a time we were ready to clash.  Just stupid stuff really.

My temper is a hot one.  I raise my voice and get nasty and slam doors etc. 

Basically I was trying to get online at home... always a stressful event... and I ended up being very very frustrated with the connection and the computer etc.  I was yelling at the computer etc ready to give it dancing lessons.... when hubby walked in the door home from work.  I looked at him and said.. I hate computers!!!!  He commisurated with me a bit, but I was so annoyed and was still trying to get the thing to work etc.  Anyway, after about 10 minutes he got annoyed with me being annoyed and yelled "I don't want to hear any more about it stop talking to me about it".

Well that just got my hackles up...... and it was on.  He does the same thing on a far more regular basis than I and I give him a cuddle, ask if there is anything I can do to make him feel better, and leave him to rant.  but no... when its me.. I get into trouble for being angry... anyway... lots of triggers there (even when I was in a domestic violence relationship I always punched back)

I pointed all this out in no uncertain terms.  Then he told me just to leave him alone and watch the TV.  My response.. you want to be left alone??.. you got it buddy, slam doors and walk out.

so needless to say, it was a very quiet dinner (his turn to cook which he was doing). 

My point is this.  I don't think my abandonment issues kicked in.  I didn't feel that gut wrenching pull that said.. thats it my marriage is over.... He hates me I may as well just curl up and die, no one woudl care if I suicided now etc etc etc rah rah rah and so on.  I didn't sink into the black hole

I just thought.. hmm.. we have had a barney.. and a beauty at that.  We ended up going to bed saying that we loved each other, but still not overly happy.  He was saying that he walked in the door sore and tired after a long day and that was what he got.. I was saying, if I am not the bluebird of happiness all the time he gets angry at me.  I am not his mood gauge.. anyway.. you get the picture.

I suppose my point is... I accepted we had an argument and I don't feel the deep neeeeeeed to apologise and win back his affection and save our marriage ... does anyone understand what I am saying about that feeling.. the dread that I ahve ruined everything and must do ANYTHING to make sure he is ok and happy and won't leave me???!!!!

I think is the first time I have had an argument and just let it go.  First time that I have felt.. ok, we had an issue but its not the end of the world, all couples fight now and then.  First time I have not thought it is over and he is going to leave me because of an argument and gotten all clingy and worried and needed his reassurance.  I am confident that he will not leave me over this one and its just an argument.

wow......



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stephaniej


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What tremendous growth! So many of us co-dependents learn to treat everything as a full-blown crisis. I remember being in middle school and noticing that my mom always described everything as terrible, horrible, awful, etc. So many extremes! Good for you for recognizing it was just a little bump in the road.

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Debilyn


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(c: deb



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"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

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Jerry F


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That was a growth from here also....Winner!!  ((((hugs)))) smile

 

If it concerns you more...do a 4th step on it and follow thru.

 



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Oksie


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What do you mean by do a 4th step?
Do you mean to look at my part in it?

If so, yeah I did. I too was tired and I have to recognise my propensity to anger is very quick and easily stirred up. It triggered in me memories of an abusive partner who used to tell me what we could and couldn't talk about.... it all happened in a flash...

You know flash point in fires... thats what it feels like when my temper goes. I am totally irational in that state.

I have thrown things and slammed things and totally over reacted many many times... too many to count.... In my Step 8 I acknowledged that even though partners have been very abusive to me.. I haven't exactly been a wall flower... wild flower more like it.

My temper is definately my achiles heel... or is that (my) achilles (to) heal.. hehehehehehe.

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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> argument with hubby not the end of the world