The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I believe I have mentioned more than once that I was married once before. My ex-husband is not an A, but has many issues that often render him irrational when it comes to dealing with me.
One thing he does, which has always just driven me crazy because it is a direct result of his refusal to actually talk to me (despite the fact that we co-parent two children), is that instead of calling, texting or emailing me about something important--he sends me a letter in the mail, certified mail. Since I am not home during the day, this means I get a slip of paper in my mail box that says clearly I have a certified letter from my ex-husband, and I can't pick it up until the next day.
This ALWAYS drives me nuts. I get totally out of control, obsessed with what's in the letter. Will it be another tirade about everything he THINKS he's entitled to? Will it be a threat to sue me, once again, over things he will never get but take my time and work hours to appear in court about?
I know it's on me to stay zen and serene. I don't want this stupidness to ruin my night. I can't get the letter until tomorrow, period. I have no control over what's in the letter, period. What are your tips for coming back into your right mind when a surprise pops up and triggers you?
He may not be an A, but what I'm understanding is: 1. that it's about him, 2. for what ever reason he is creating drama, 3. and that he is not a closely partnering communicator.
That, and, if something is truly urgent, you'll receive the news late. For me, those things resonate "isms" would certainly trigger me.
It has been said many times in MIP that you can start the day over at any time and as many times as you want.
I come back to my right mind by coming to MIP, giving it to HP, praying for the other party, thanking HP for things as if I had them, focusing on something very important (my daughter) and doing something that I think is good for me. I try and remember that feelings aren't facts and that they will change.
Oh that's a definite game he's playing with you. Refuse the letter. Tell him to communicate through another means or a lawyer. I know lawyers suck but really that's ridiculous.
As long as you keep accepting the letters he's going to keep doing it to you. Anything court related has to be sent by an outside person so don't refuse certified information from someone else or the courts. But from him? That's a game. Call his bluff - you'll see that nothing will happen. He enjoys doing that to you.
I spent a year deleting emails from my ex unread. He doesn't even know I was doing it. Nothing happened, it was awesome.
Wow, this sounds like my 8 month old nephew who throws his sippy cup on the floor and then expects you to keep picking it up for them. If it were me, I'd probably just not pick up the letter and express that he send it via email or hand deliver it himself if it's that important. I'd make it pretty clear that I don't have the time in my schedule to pick up certified mail. Honestly, I hate certified mail in general because my post office is so darn far away, LOL! This screams passive aggressive to me. I should know, it's my AH's main way of communicating! Praying for him is a good idea too and asking your HP to guide you in how you decide to approach him about this in the future.
you asked for ideas on how to stay in the now when a surprise pops up. I guess for me, in the first instance, its hard at the time of the surprise. When the adrenaline stops pumping thats when I can think of things more rationally.
I think what you are doing is pretty good. You know you can't control the content, you know you can't get it until tomorrow, and you have put off the thinking about it until then. deep breaths are great.
Pick up the letter when you are next in the vicinity of the post office. Personally i wouldn't make a special trip for it. For me, I would think that I can't change the way he wishes to communicate, but I can change my way of picking up that communication. If you don't get it until a week after the notice... not your problem that he chose that method of communication. If, when you read it, you have missed something that he wanted you to do or something.. again.. not your problem that he chose that method of communication.
Sounds like one of those types that can't handle having lost power. I've seen this a lot on this board when people talk about their qualifiers, in my AA meetings, and also through work. These types of guys cannot stand having to answer to anyone. They feel all dimished and emasculated through the divorce process and don't get that a mother generally is always going to be primary custodian and that is just a fact. They make fools of themself in court trying to "get even" rather than just do what is right.
This is frustrating and I am only doing a little "diagnostic" here for you so that maybe you can just accept - "Yeah...that's him alright" and then take a deep breath and move on. Annoying - yes, but he's just an angry man who can't have his way all the time and this is his known pattern of responding. Why would you expect him to change? That's why you broke up right? (at least part of it).
**granted I could be wrong too and might be reaching too far.
In either case, I hope you don't stress over it too much. You have enough to focus on outside of your ex.
