The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi Dad, your post is a reminder to me that their disease can trigger MY disease. For me, I have to double up my meetings because that somehow gives me the "detachment fuel" I need.
If you think about it, you may see that you can make the choice to Let Go.... or be dragged. We always get choices. But again, I need the support of the fellowship to keep me strong. So often, the best I can do is just run to a meeting.
I love how my sponsor defined "responsibility" as, "able to respond." How are you responding to YOU right now? Your thinking disease is beginning to unravel, you're about to relapse... how are you able to respond to that??
You matter, my friend. You are powerless over her. Make it a beautiful day for YOU.
-- Edited by glad lee on Wednesday 7th of March 2012 05:22:09 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
So my wife as "gone out". I'm in that struggle of wanting to jump in and rescue, make sure everything is all right, fearing the consequences of something I can't control. She's know's her problem, she know's the consequences. I knew there were tests to come. I'm just trying to stay away from the self doubt and catastrophic mindset. Detachment is really hard for me, I want responsibility for everything. "If only I reacted this way instead of that way", "protect the kids" etc. This is life, I guess I'll find out if I "walk the walk" or just "talk the talk".
Time to put it in writing, I'm handing it over, let's hope the landing is soft.
Sorry to hear that. Now is time for you to double your attention to yourself and your kids. Everyone has to feel their own responsibilities. Your wife included. I'm so glad you have so much Al-Anon under your belt. Consequences will be coming, but they may be easy or hard. The future is unknowable so don't worry about it. It will probably be much better than you would have ever imagined.
Hugs, be gentle with urself. I like the way to look at responsibility. Feelings aren't facts and we r powerless over people places things and the past. Turning it over to hp has helped me. I can't do this recovery business alone!! Hugs keep coming back thanks for the share. P ;)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
My husband did the same thing after one year of sobriety.. He called me at work very upset that he had done this to himself... I guess it is true that a mind full of AA and a belly full of beer do not mix very well.... My stomach sank, I got all hot and flushed...my mind immediately went into overdrive... who should I call? I should run home from work to stop him/save him/make him feel better.... I should call my lawyer because this must be the beginning of the end and I need to take control etc etc etc... then I stopped. I did not react.. I took a deep breath....I told my husband that I was sorry he was doing this to himself (thanks Abbyall for the quote) and told him to call his sponsor if he needed to talk to anyone. I told him I loved him and that I would see him when I got home from work. The rest of the day at work, I had to pray to my HP alot to turn it over, and to trust that HP would take care of me, no matter what would lay ahead. I prayed to HP to show me the way forward, and to reveal to me his plan when he was ready... It was hard, but I got through...
When I got home from work, I focused on me and the kids and went about my business.. I didn't mention anything about the drinking... He wanted to talk.. I told him to call his sponsor.. The next couple of days were tough to get through, wondering if he would drink again.. I had to live in the moment and not worry about the next day... trust that HP had me...
Fast forward 3 months... His AA group took care of him.. dusted him off, got him to pick himself off the floor and kicked him in the pants to work harder... That one slip lead to a renewed focus on sobriety for my husband, more meetings, more step work. He had proved once again to himself that he can have no illusion of control and saw that his recovery work has tailed off... In the end there were no lasting effects for me because I minded my own business..
I'm not sure what HP has in store for your wife, but just trust that HP has your back... nothing you can do or say will fix her problem, and will only likely make it worse... I know for a fact that if I had reacted, things would not have worked out as well as they did... I would have either added to my husbands guilt, or angered him... either way, I would have been contributing and feeding the disease... It is terrifying, I know.. especially when you see all the great things that come with sobriety... Try to detach, leave her to her HP and take it one day, or minute, at a time and breathe...
You're doing good bringing it here and talking about it. Being honest about who you are and where you are with this is also good program cause you're out of denial. I learned to do something different than what I use to do before program also especially with the awareness that I already knew how it use to turn out and how I hated that so...Relapse...hmmmm part of this cunning powerful and baffling disease. Was sharing with a newbie at our home group last evening how the disease use to screw with my mind soooo much and that after I did something to or for my alcoholic/addict which I was soooo sure would work (for me) she would drink again and I would hang my head and take that short walk into hell again.
One time I was going to a program service and I was feeling tired and sorry for myself and the "poor mes" started to sing their song. I asked my HP how do I handle this and my car radio got that steady signal that they have for emergencies and then the voice came up, "This is a test...this is only a test" and I nodded my head and replied "Okay I got it now" and continued on to my service commitment.
We deserve to have our recoveries tested cause that is how we find out it is real.
You'll do fine Dad...exercise a bit more compassion and empathy for the alcoholic and pray for others. ((((hugs))))
