My motive was support. I have beed to many speaker meetings with her. This was the first book study meeting. I'm just worried of the unknown. I'm not making it easy to be married to me. I have been traveling and working a lot so I have not been able to go to a f2f meeting. Hopefully soon.

I am very new and probably dont have much room to talk, but first I want to say good for your wife for entering a program and getting help. Second for you trying to be her rock, but maybe its time to let her heal on her own and for you to start yours. I know we just want to be there for our AH/AW but sometimes that can lead to bigger problems. Her seeing you mad may make her think, well I am still not good enough, maybe I would be better off with a drink. Know what I mean, that old excuse to drink thought process.
Good luck to you!

That's the hardest part...thinking about all of the horrible things my wife did while I was absolutely, completely perfect during that time. I'm being sarcastic, of course.

I could make a list of all of the horrible things my wife did....in fact, I did once. Didn't help things any and actually made things much worse. I could also make a list of all of the things I have absolutely no proof of that she did but for whatever reason, I suspect she did. In fact, I think I added that to the first list, just because.

I've known my wife not much longer than you have known yours--just about 10 years. When I met her, she was not showing any signs of being an alcoholic. She was a wonderful person, the first really kind, thoughtful woman I had ever had a relationship with. We fell in love and I asked her to marry me. As we started our lives together, I saw more and more of the good side of her, the things I loved about her. That's my wife.

Did she do really bad things when the drinking became out of control? Yes. Are there things I don't know about that would sicken me if I did? Yes, probably. Do I have guesses as to what those things are? Yes, I do. But I try everyday to just let all of that go. That behavior wasn't my wife. It was the disease.

We all understand and are very familiar with what you are feeling. It's not easy, not at all. Try and get to meetings if you can.

Thanks for the great advice and information. Freekat brought up another issue of mine. It seems like the spouse of an alcoholic must now "tip toe" around any issues that are come up. One of my other issues is my wifes spending habbits. Its been an issue befor she was drinking a lot, during her drinking a lot and now in recovery. Am I supposed to be fine with this. We are talking thousands of dollors in a 10 period. When I looked at my bank account, I flipped out. My wife said it was like I was driving her to drink. Should I be bankrupt and happy my wife doesn't drink?

Something for me in going to the AA meetings is finding compassion and I'm fully making it part of my healing process because I want to be a more compassionate person in general. There are things I don't want to know about my husband because I don't think I could take it .. all in God's time because I know when I need to know and that's a good thing.

A year ago there was a list a mile long that we couldn't talk about and the list of what we could talk about was probably the size of a post-it note. I don't know what the outcome of our situation will be and I have my own program to work on and focus on. My husband needs to work on his own recovery and make it what it's going to be. I still have choices to stay or go. I don't know what to call what's going on at this point .. I've got a two year plan and we are not in the same house now.

There are going to be hard conversations that are going to make both of us uncomfortable and there is a time and place for those things. Something I wish my spouse and I could do now, at some point is sit down with an addictions counselor and talk about what has gone on and what we can do to move forward. Money is a big thing and it's something that can be discussed with a 3rd party as a mediator. It's scary to sit down with someone you've let down (for me) and know they are going to explode in a bad way (again my experience). It's extremely stressful. I'm not saying suck it up and stuff it. I'm saying there are different ways to react to different situations. Sometimes that anger has to go a different route than exploding on the spot (I'm not saying you were screaming I'm saying that could have been her perception). Yes .. finding new healthy ways to communicate and then finding new healthy ways to resolve the situation.

Then it becomes about how can I communicate better the same thoughts and feelings without flipping out .. LOL .. trust me some days are better than others.

Hugs P :)

Welcome and I hope you keep coming back. Alanon meetings are really terrific, and as a man in our group you'd be the only guy. You know there is a lot of wisdom to be found if you can keep an open mind, try 6 meetings and start putting the focus on you. f

There are so many scenarios that could go on here. Life isn't black and white so there's no straight answer on what's the right thing or the wrong thing to do. I've learned that what's best for me to do is to do whatever I feel is in good standing with my HP's plans for me and if it will ultimately lead to my feeling serene and at peace.

Now... I risk tossing my serenity out if I decide to make it my mission to tell the people around me how much they're screwing up and how they need to change (who ever receives that kind of criticism gracefully??) I do also risk losing my serenity by at least not telling someone that their behavior is not okay with me, otherwise I may feel like a doormat. But I have to accept, however, that people might not change despite my speaking up for myself and that means I need to examine what other choices I have that do not depend upon someone else changing.

I do occasionally try to put myself in the other person's shoes. Imagine fighting with a disease that has your body screaming at you day and night to put alcohol in it so you can finally feel better... and then on top of that, not having the bliss of booze to muddy the guilt you feel from all your past mistakes. Now, imagine going through all of that - learning from scratch, basically, how to cope with living life without depending on a substance and facing your demons... and at the same time having your loved ones nagging you about your bad behaviors and telling you to grow up, get with it, stop being so selfish, etc. etc. I don't know about you, but that would be pretty rough to go through. I think that's why AA is so important to recovering A's because they have other people they can share these experiences with who've lived it and can give them support when it seems the rest of the world has turned its back on them.

Practicing detachment with love is an important exercise for me. For me, it means I do not deprive the A from the consequences of their actions, but at the same time, I don't purposefully demoralize them, either.

Hope you can make it to some face-to-face Al-Anon meetings. We know what it's like to love an alcoholic... all the ups and downs. We're each other's support, too, because this disease can leave us feeling like the world has turned its back on us, as well. We try to be loving and supportive and all we seem to get is grief and shame as thanks. But in Al-Anon we finally learn that we have choices in everything and begin to learn when being helpful really is being helpful, or if being helpful is just a recipe for self-abuse.

 

 

Aloha and Wow!! Cheese I am actually so grateful for being a member of MIP and the Al-Anon Family Groups after reading the support and responses you have gotten here.  I know that they all come from real experiences in recovery which you don't have yet.  Newbies are insane and the second of the 12 steps of our program and AA's is Came to believe that a Power Greater than ourselves could restore us to SANITY.  

I remember being where you are at right now...it is all valid and usual and normal for the spouse, relative, friend and associate of an alcoholic.  Take you time and get into the face to face meetings of Al-Anon just as quickly as you can or else you will keep doing the same things you have done that don't work and cause things to come out in ways you don't want them to.  (INSANITY).    I read the responses you got here and remember sitting in my earliest meetings talking to myself "I wish I had what they have".  They, the fellowship seemed so much more well put together than I and I needed that.  You have to get to "YOUR" open meeting...speaker, big book (we have one to call "How Al-Anon Works" and it's only $5.00 in paper back).

The tip toeing we call "Walking on eggshells or glass".  That is about fear and fear is the most experienced emotion on both sides of alcoholism. Your wife tried a "fear shot" with you when responding about the finances; "you're driving her to drink?" All successfully recovering alcoholics I know of today (I am one also) understand that there is absolutely no excuse for drinking...none at all.  Drinking and spending is her responsibility and you're not her sponsor on either of them.  If she wants to overly spend take control of the finances yourself.  I've done that and while it pisses them off at times they are not the only thing going on the face of the planet.  Alcoholics are self centered to the max. The only vowel in there vocabulary is "I".

So you're an ass to live with.  That's okay newbie use it to get yourself into change as soon as possible.  We will understand here so keep coming back here.  I was also an ass to live with until I learned how to love myself and go after the stuff the other members had that I wanted.  Your situation is temporary.  Start now; your life may depend on it.

((((hugs))))

Your post gave me shivers , an untreated Al-Anon sitting in  AA meetings ??   I am only thinking about how they would have effected me , listening to them share , there are some things I just dont need to know ,  I went to a few AA meetings before my husb sought sobriety , but not when he was sober he needs space and so do I . I'm sorry but if you have time to go to AA meetings with your wife , you can find time to attend an Al-Anon meeting for yourself.  Just my  opinion Louise

Keep going to meetings. I hope you like the one you get to tomorrow. If not, try another one. Different people have different points of view, even in the Al-Anon program.
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The part I dont get is that there are peolpe in prison for what they have done while being a alcoholic. Doesnt the court know about this disease and that its not these peolpes fault? In the eyes of the law a drunk is responsable for what he or she does. In the eyes of a counselor, its not the drunks fault, its the disease. My wifes face is the face of alcohalism (to me) and im not supposed to be mad about that?
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The court knows about people being in prison while being an alcoholic. It's called being responsible and having consequences for your actions. The courts are responsible for the regulation of society. We have laws to protect us from some of the actions of alcoholics.

The counselors have a different mission. I am not a counselor. I think you may have heard a lot of nonsense (or it was said in a different context) but I think counselors also believe that alcoholics are responsible for what they do. I know they tell the alcoholic that they should" not drink, but they know that there is free will. Counselors don't put people in prison for bad/wrong use of their free will.

Are you supposed to be mad? I was. It did me no good to be mad. What I finally ended up doing is taking care of/ protecting me. That means that when I got an inheritance from my parents who died, I put it in a separate account that he didn't have access to. Did it make him mad? Oh yeah! I retired from my job so that I could get health insurance (for both of us) that was cheaper than our buying it on the open market. He was all upset that it was under my name instead of his. Huh?

I was able to detach from his reaction and do what was best for me. I didn't have to even have a conversation about it.

Take care of yourself.

Thank you all for the well wishes and great advice. I usually pride myself on being a sensable tolorant person. This is all so new to me and I am trying to keep an open mind. My thoughts and anger just get the best of me sometimes. I told my Wife that there are going to be times where I just don't want to talk because the conversation just wouldn't be construtive to any of us. I am looking forword to going to my first meeting. Thanks everyone!!!!