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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Trying to decide how to handle a relatively small issue
Post Info TOPIC: Trying to decide how to handle a relatively small issue
stephaniej


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Trying to decide how to handle a relatively small issue
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And of course, I thought to bring it to you all, because you are all such a great touchstone for me.  Although my journey is very much "three steps forward, two steps back," I do feel like overall I am in a much better place than I was in a year ago.  As I get better at turning my AH over to his HP and detaching from his alcoholism and the jerkishness that goes along with it, I find myself re-visiting issues that I had cast aside when my mind was grappling with the much bigger issues of alcoholism, emotional abuse, etc.

My husband works in an industry where everyone wears t-shirts and jeans, etc., and the various entities in the industry design and produce their own t-shirts, sweatshirts, etc.  These guys wear this stuff to work and on their downtime.

My AH has a few shirts (maybe 3 out of 40 or 50) with drawings of Jessica Rabbit-ish women on them...scantily clad, busty, etc.  I HATE these shirts.  He knows I hate them.  He knows I find them offensive and disrespectful.  He wears them anyway, and I accept that this is his choice.

My question is this: I do 100% of the laundry in our family.  And recently, the fact that I wash, dry, and fold these stupid shirts has really started to bother me again.  So I'm trying to examine how I feel about this, what my options are, and what my motives are.  Part of me wants to stop washing them, and just leave them in the bottom of the hamper, dirty.  But I KNOW that will trigger a criticism from my AH, and lord knows I don't want more confrontation in our home life.  I know full well how quickly these kinds of stupid things escalate into horrible episodes of emotional abuse.  So I feel like I am weighing laundering the shirts and being angry, versus refusing to launder the shirts and risking nasty, ugly, vile confrontations.

Thanks in advance to you all for your wisdom...invariably, I read your responses and have multiple "a-ha" moments about the way I am viewing a situation or handling something.



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Pushka


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I get where you are coming from and my feeling is .. I'd really be asking myself "How Important Is It" and then weighing my response as such. It's not a real woman it's a cartoon .. which again get where you are coming from .. however do you really believe that you are going to stop him from something worse at this point? Is it a deal breaker .. is it something that you are really willing to fight over .. (I'm not minimizing .. just pointing out it's a t-shirt). I think I would be much more concerned if my spouse was bringing a blow up doll of Jessica Rabbit into the house than a shirt.

You have told him how you felt about the t-shirts and maybe it's something you need to let go of. What's going on with you that a t-shirt would bother you is kind of where I would be focusing my attention.

Now I've probably just advised the crud out of this post .. it's just .. for me .. there are much bigger fish to fry than worrying about who is on my spouses t-shirt. A real woman I would probably say something a cartoon .. ehe .. think of it this way .. he's a grown man wearing a cartoon character on his chest .. what does that say about him? It sure doesn't say anything about you!!

QTIP :) Hugs P :)

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
stephaniej


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And...there it is. My a-ha moment. Thanks so much Pushka.

You are so right. I have expressed my feelings about it, which is really all I can do because it is his choice to make. And the honest answer to what is going on with me that the t-shirt bothers me is that I allow the shirts to make me feel bad about myself. I allow myself to see those shirts and think "obviously my AH is interested in women, and women's bodies, and that kind of stuff, and because I don't look like anything like those gorgeous busty drawings, THAT is why he wants nothing to do with me anymore."

It is grounded completely in my insecurities about myself. Which is part of MY journey, not his.

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GreenerGrass


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Bleach spills are known to happen in the laundry room... Lol! Just kidding. You are being very mature, but I also don't think it would be wrong to let him do his own load of laundry, if he wants a clean shirt, he'll have to wash it. I know I would be embarrasses being out with my husband if he was wearing a shirt like that. ((hugs)) I do feel your frustration and hurt.

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maryjane


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Do you have a red sweatshirt that you could put in the load and turn everything pink? LOL!

I also let my hubby do his own laundry. Any mistakes are on him. If he wants to wear a specific item he has to make sure that it is clean and in his closet. It's part of growing up. When my daughters got married and I saw that my Sons in Law were doing their own laundry (one of them is a Marine), I decided that my hubby was really spoiled by me. So I quit doing it.

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maryjane
Mattie


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I also don't think that it's a choice between doing the laundry and leaving the shirts at the bottom of the hamper.  This seems like it might be a variation on "Say what you mean."  I can imagine saying something like, "Honey, I know you like to wear those shirts, and you know that I don't like them. I feel sad and defensive [or whatever] when I look at them.  So I'm trying to think of a way where we can both have what we want -- you to keep them and me not to have to deal with them as much.  So it looks to me as if the best way to go forward is for you to take over doing your laundry.  As a part of that I'm going to do my best to handle my feelings and not get at you when you're wearing them. If you want to figure out other options, I'm open to those too." 

Now, if he blows up every time something comes up, that's a separate issue.  Walking on eggshells is a difficult way to go through a relationship.  Sometimes a little of that can be modified by keeping so calm that the other person doesn't have anything to catch onto.  But sometimes people are just out of control.  To my mind, that shouldn't mean that they control us.  But you know your situation best.



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Debilyn


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I accept that this is his choice

You shared that. So hmmm maybe would you still be trying to control it by not wanting to have anything to do with the shirts.

What if he did not like your nice comfy white cotton undies and refused to fold them/ That is not acceptance.

I loved the funny suggestions. lol its great to see some humor.

He probably thinks it makes him look sexy.. NOT!!

Hey put one on and where it to bed and see his reaction. that could be fun...hugs debilyn



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Oksie


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is it a war winner?
pick your fights... is this one that you would invest your time in?

For me, I would consider why those Tshirts affect me so much. What is it about a Tshirt that I would go to the lengths of looking at every shirt before I put it in the machine, see if I 'approve' of the shirt enough in order to grace it with my effort of putting it in with the rest.

If you had a particular dress that he didn't like for whatever reason, how would you feel if he refused to be seen with you when you wore it? Maybe you would be ok with that.. I am just asking you to consider the question.

You have told him you don't like it. Unfortunately, jessica rabbit type things are very popular. I like what someone else said... he is wearing a cartoon character on his shirt and he likes it... nice one!!! I like to watch cartoons also.

Personally, when he wore it I would say something like.. "ohhh nice one honey.. you got your little cartoons on today..." but that is just me.. sarcasm may not be the best way to go in your relationship.

In all honesty, is this really a fight you think is worth your effort. How important is it? Only you can answer that, it may be very important to you.

What would be the war that was won if he did come home and say, "honey you are right, I am not going to wear that Tshirt anymore". What would change in your relationship? How would you wake up differently tomorrow?

You have been given lots of different ESH on this one. I am keen to hear what you have gleaned from this for yourself.




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