My alcoholic husband is lying - Al-Anon Family Group

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

My alcoholic husband is lying

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

RR No one is talking about leaving. Alanon gave me tools so that I could learn how to take care of myself and still love and care about my husband.

Alanon taught me how to not engage in destructive behavior and how to use constructive tools to enrich my family.

I also learned how to be supportive and loving without compromising my own needs.

No one will suggest that you leave or take any action except that you keep coming back

-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 4th of March 2012 09:55:04 PM

RR · Member

I have been in a relationship with an alcoholic for over three years, married for almost a year. He is a functioning alchoholic. I have one child from a precious marriage and he has one from his previous marriage. I am currently starting my 6th month of pregnancy. He was recently in his second vcar accident involving alcohol. He destroyed the car...he walked away without hurting anyone and his ribs are broke. That was it. He is suffering consequences for this and has told me for the past week, he is done drinking. I believed him as usual. I have been finding beer caps and bottles in the garage. I confronted him and he lied about the things I found. He told me all about how important I am and this family...blah blah blah. I am so frustrated, hurt, scared and confused. I know I can not help him...but I don't know what to do. I do not want this baby or any of the other children involved in this family to suffer because of his alcoholism. I cry every time he lies, get angry and then think what to do next. This time he almost died and there is a new baby on the way. I'm so scared.......

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

First off, huge hugs to you! As you will find from coming to these message boards, you aren't the first one dealing with this. I know how scared you are, my AH just got his first DUI a few weeks ago and luckily didn't crash his car or hurt anyone else. It's always harder when there are children involved. Have you looked into Al Anon meetings in your area? They have been a lifesaver for me just when I was losing hope in myself and in my abilities to keep it all together. There are the 3 C's off Al Anon: you did not cause it, you can't control it, and you can't change it. Turning our spouses/significant other's over to a Higher Power is the best thing we can do for ourselves and for our kids. There will be others who will come on and share and I pray that you will learn something from reading here tonight. Sending you much support!

RR · Member

Thank you to those that have responded. I have went to meetings in the past...but thought they were not for me. Now...I think I need them more than ever. I appreciate your advice and hope this will help. I need support and wish to hold it together for my kids...I feel like I am at the brink every second...especially now

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Again"

I do believe that we all feel as if "we do not belong "when we first enter the rooms of alanon.

Please follow the suggestions to try 6 different meetings before you decide if alanon is for you.

I know that i did not feel as if I belonged however I had NO Whereelse to go so I stayed. I had tried everything else and was as you describe On the Brink every moment of every day. In the beginning, I just sat in meetings and listened. When I left I felt better That was my first clue that there was something here I could use.

It is important for your health and life journey so keep coming back and join

RR · Member

How did I get here????

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

RR

Alanon meetings will give you the tools to find out the answer to that question. You will also be given the information as to how to grow from this experienece and not go down this road again

RR · Member

But I love my husband and family ... I don't want to leave

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

RR,

Al-Anon program and its members are not there to encourage you to leave your husband.

You'll find answers there as well as lots of support. Answers will not come over night. It's all a process.

I sure hope for your sake that you seek meetings out and give them a genuine try.

RR · Member

I misunderstood. I have no one to talk to about this. My family does not know. I'm too embarrassed to tell and also don't want to hear their judgements. I want to keep our business within our family walls, but it's hard to talk to him about things when he says one thing and does another. I truly believe his words are genuine, but his disease takes over. Thank you all again for your support. I need it... I feel so alone...

Oksie · Senior Member

The best thing that Al Anon gave me... was my marriage back.

I came here not wanting to leave my husband because I love him, but the world in general would listen to my complaints and say... 'so why are you there?' Leave and run run run.....

I felt so torn and tortured. I didn't want to leave... I wanted my old loving husband back. I have only been married for a few months!!! What going on !!!!!!

He relapsed completely a few days before our wedding.

I came to these boards less than a year after my wedding. I wanted to say that I have tried everything. The people here did not tell me to leave. They helped me to see that leaving is one of my options... but I do have others.

That helped me soooo much. Just to be validated that I don't have to leave right now if that is not where I am at.

also, I knew inside myself that the grass may be greener on the other side of the fence, but I am taking the weed killer with me.

Being here has helped me to accept what I find acceptable. To put my own boundaries in place.

We cannot change them. WE can't make them stop drinking, using or lying to us.

I learned to change things about my reactions to those things. I am the only person I can control or change.

I wanted to stay in my marriage but I wanted him to be the husband I agreed to marry, not the husband he was at the time of our wedding.

Here I am .... I have been married for 18 months and I love my husband to bits and pieces. I have changed, he hasn't.

Last year, I gave myself one year to make a decision. I decided that I would try this Al Anon thing and the acceptance thing etc for one year. I will be happy wiht the decision to stay in my marriage until then. So... October isn't here yet, and I am happy. I have 7 months to go before I decide if I am going to leave or stay. I will reasses it then.. until that time.. I am here... working on me.

My husband is an addict. I can't change that.

No one here will tell you to leave or stay. Al Anon gives you tools to make you strong to do what it is that is right for you at this point in time in your lives.

We wont' judge you if you go or if you stay. That is your decision.

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi,
Leaving him is one of your options.
Staying with him is one of your options.
There are a multitude of other options that are in between those two polar extremes. One of the young ladies at one of my meetings told her hubby if he drinks he may not come home that night. He is a binge drinker so it happens about once a week that he is gone for a night or two. She also has small children and she didn't want them to see him when he is out of control.
I stayed with my hubby while he was a drinker because I needed his pay check. He was also a functional alcoholic and always brought home the money. The drinking ruined the relationship that we had and my eyes were opened about the disease of alcoholism, but maybe we will get a better relationship. I let myself make a decision day by day if I want to stay married. I also tell my HP to let me know his will for me.... and to make it very obvious what that is. So far I have decided to stay married. I may change my mind tomorrow.
Being in Al-Anon is learning about the realities of our lives. Sometimes it slams us in the face and we make allowances for what happens. We learn not to do that anymore when we keep hurting ourselves by not being honest.
If you want to be married to him, then you can. But you have to face the fact that there is a disease that he has that you can't do anything about. You have to step aside and let him handle it. And you also have to be in charge of your own life and the lives of your kids with the knowledge that you may have to do it alone. And at times your spouse will be like another child that is living in your house.... and you want him and need him to grow up.... but until he decides to do it himself, you are powerless over him. You have to take care of yourself, by yourself.
That is why we band together in Al-Anon. You don't have to be alone. You have a world-wide fellowship of people who will tell you what worked for them and then you can decide what will work for you.
Stick around..... it's gonna be a bumpy ride.

whitedove · Member

Oksie,

One year is an excellent choice. I recently decided to do the same thing with a boyfriend. I am not married to him and could easily leave. I did leave and it hurt him a lot. But I care for him deeply. He is not drinking, but had some behaviors that are not acceptable to me. He does not know about my one year decision. I may or may not discuss that with him. I have told my friends and family that we are no longer together. Then I slowly drifted back, even though I have had other dates. I really care about him. I know that the dream I had before is not going to work.

I am slowly exploring the idea of a new dream with him. But this dream is one with my eyes wide open and my denial and co-dependency being addressed with Al-Anon. It is a new experience to be taking care of myself and not concerned about how he is going to take care of himself. I have separated myself and my emotions from the decisions that he makes. He is an adult. I did not cause, cannot cure, cannot change and cannot control him.

He has many good qualities. I am focusing on those, but my eyes are no longer closed to the things that I am not happy with. He is trying to be there for me as I go through some very stressful experiences. He cannot no longer hurt me deeply, because my expectations are no longer that we will spend the rest of our life together. I am only taking it one day at a time. If things do not work out, then I am only losing my dream for a day. There is no longer a lifetime dream that is dependent on him.

A healthy relationship is one where neither person "needs" the other. I am only in the relationship because I "want" him.

I believe that a marriage deserves to be given a fair chance. Just to be sure that you are really sure. During my year, I plan to do a lot of work on myself. Then if I let this relationship drift away at the end of the year, I will be a much healthier person. And healthy people attract other healthy people. My co-dependency is a disease. My sickness was what caused me to attract another sick person.

"God determines who walks into your life......it's up to you to decide who you let stay.........who you let walk away........and who you refuse to let go."

never going back · Senior Member

Welcome (((RR)))
You are in the right place, and we are so glad you found us! When I first found this site, I was afraid, angry, hurt, confused and felt SO alone. As I read other posts, it really hit me that I might still be a real mess, but at least I wasn't alone anymore. Everybody here was pretty much in the same boat, or had been at one time. And they were all so welcoming to me, and so supportive.
I didn't really feel I 'belonged' in Al-anon at first, either. What I was looking for was a program to make my AH stop drinking. After all, it was HIS problem that was causing all of my pain! When I found out that al-anon was a program to help fix ME, it made me furious. I didn't need 'fixed', HE did! How dare anyone say I had a problem? So, I tried to cope on my own. And fell deeper and deeper into the pit. When nothing else worked, I tried al-anon again, still convinced it wasn't for me, but I was at the bottom and had no where else to turn. I made myself stick with it-at the advice of others here- and it slowly started to sink in. Hmmmmm, I DO. Have a problem. I am as addicted to trying to 'fix' my AH as he is addicted to alcohol. And my addiction has taken over my life. Once I really started believing that, really started working the program, my life started to get better. It wasn't a quick fix like I wanted, but I came to realize that I had been living with MY addiction for 30 years, and it was going to take some time to work out my 'cure'.
It also made me angry at first that no one would give me advice on what exactly to do. Stay with him or leave? Tell him how I feel, or leave it alone? Give him an ultimatum? I just wanted someone to say: ok, this, this, and this is what you need to do. But nobody did that. They gave me advice like, "Give it a year. Don't make decision when you're stressed. Talk it over with your sponsor." I didn't like it, but I tried to follow their advice, mainly because nothing else had ever worked. Slowly (one day at a time!), I began to get some peace in my own mind, which gave me the room I needed to make rational decisions.
Three years later, and I know this program saved my sanity, as well as my marriage. When i first started, if one person here had said, "Leave him", thats exactly what i would have done, because thats what i really wanted, just to leave it all behind. But no one did, they just listened, gave support, and cheered on every small victory. My AH is a recovering alcoholic- today. Tomorrow could be another story. Will we still be together next week/month/year? I don't know. What I DO know is that al-anon has given me the tools I need to make it through whatever happens without losing my mind!
There are no right or wrong ways here. We each have to find our own way. But I thank my HP every day for giving me these wonderful people-both here and at my meetings- who have given and will continue to give me the support I need to make decisions that are right for me!
I so hope you find the same comfort. It's not easy, and it's not quick, but if you stay with it, i think you will find that you are getting stronger-and happier- with every day that passes.

Please keep coming back!

Thinking of you today-
Denise

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha RR and good for you checking in again. The suggestions that have been given to you...decisions and meetings and the like are from experiences. Most of us have done that and have been where you are at now. First meeting fallout? Been there and done that also and like you came back because when I left the program things did get worse as they had told me. Early on in the meetings I was told not to look for the differences between the fellowship and me but for the similarities...those things mentioned that I identified with and made my head nod up and down. I was promised that if I kept and "open" mind I would find help and that was the first promise kept in Al-Anon. As it was already mentioned we have tons of alternative choices and the time and support to try all of them if we want. There is lots to learn and as it was already mentioned also...we did not learn it over night and we didn't get into the consequences of the disease over night either.

Alcoholics lie...period. My alcoholic wife use to tell me lies that made me want to fall on the floor laughing my head off. "Oh I went to a potato chip AA meeting at of of the guys apartment and must have dropped the check book on the side walk (in front of the liquor store) when coming out of the market". Such reactive imagination triggered by fear. Alcoholics and addicts are afraid of everything...they know that the chemical/disease is taking them out and that they cannot not stop drinking. They know how powerful the disease is better than we do most of the time. It's not a moral issue...it is about disease...physical, mental, emotional and spiritual compulsion to drink even when we know it is killing us and everything around us and our allergy to it is increasing the pain. It takes a power greater than alcohol and the willingness to get with and stay with that power that shines the light on daily long term sobriety.

For RR my experience is from inside the face to face rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups. That is what worked for me. Keep coming back here cause you have already heard from some real winners on this board. (((((hugs))))) smile

RR · Member

Well...here I am again! I haven't been to a meeting and I just got finished cleaning out the garage. It has been almost a month since his accident. I thought he wasn't drinking. Wow how could I be so gullible and blind. I must have gathered 3 cases of beer and lined them up in the middle of the garage. Why you ask? I guess to show myself how blind I really am. I am always afraid to go into the garage because that is where he always hides it. Well today something told me to check. I know I shouldn't be but for me, I had to. Since the accident, he fell in our house, not from drinking, and fractured his heel. He has been off of work for a little over a week. This is how he is spending his time? I know I should have already been to a meeting. I need a meeting. I wish I had a friend. I mean I have them, but none that I share this embarrassing story with at all. I pretend life is great.....I just stopped crying and probably will more. I didn't say anything to my husband...I figure when he goes to smoke he will see the lines of beer cans. My due date is approaching and I am even more scared and fear the worst...this time I am focusing on me and not his addiction. I wish things would change :(

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