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Hello everyone, I truly hope I can get some some feedback on my issue here. I broke up with my alcoholic boyfriend just yesterday. We had only been dating for a little over five months but I soon realized that his social drinking was much more than he claimed. He never got violent or physically abusive in any way with me , but watching his moods change as the day of drinking beer progressed made me rethink the whole situation. He has said that he knows he has a drinking problem. He tells me he loves me-and I believe he does in his own way-as I do love him as well. I told him that as long as he continues to drink we have no future together. I provided him with the number to the main AA office in our locale and told him to get help. He is shy by nature and I doubt he will call and go to any AA meetings any time soon. My question to you all is should I offer to take him/go with him to a meeting? Do I just drop him like a hot potato? I mean I have very strong feelings for this man and one can't just shut off like a faucet. I know people say that one must hit rock bottom sometime in order to realize one needs help, but what do I do in the meantime? Watch him crash. I am sad and confused of what the right thing to do is. Any ideas would be very appreciated..
If you have not done so already, I would recommend that you consider attending an Al-Anon meeting in your area. At the meeting, you can get answers to many of the questions and concerns you have shared.
For information on meetings in your area, visit http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
You don't have to watch him crash. You can walk away. It is his problem. You do not have to feel guilty or hand him off to AA. He is a grown up. I have met people in AA who said they stared at their lap for years before they could look someone in the eyes. I have seen people come out of their shells in AA. Shyness is not a cause of inaction. AA can handle his shyness.
For you - I believe that taking him to the meeting is unnecessary. 12 step calls are made by those who have been in his shoes. People from intergroup will come out and go with him if need be. Another appropriate thing would be if he has any friends or family in AA to go with him.
I'm suggesting this not because your motives are bad or wrong, but because you are too close to the situation and to him to be the person to do this. Also, if it was alanon, I would want an old timer from alanon to take you to your first meeting. In other words, those in the program are most equipped, best abled, and the ones that benefit most from helping others with that same problem.
You don't have to watch him crash. You can walk away. It is his problem. You do not have to feel guilty or hand him off to AA. He is a grown up. I have met people in AA who said they stared at their lap for years before they could look someone in the eyes. I have seen people come out of their shells in AA. Shyness is not a cause of inaction. AA can handle his shyness.
For you - I believe that taking him to the meeting is unnecessary. 12 step calls are made by those who have been in his shoes. People from intergroup will come out and go with him if need be. Another appropriate thing would be if he has any friends or family in AA to go with him.
I'm suggesting this not because your motives are bad or wrong, but because you are too close to the situation and to him to be the person to do this. Also, if it was alanon, I would want an old timer from alanon to take you to your first meeting. In other words, those in the program are most equipped, best abled, and the ones that benefit most from helping others with that same problem.
In support,
Mark
Thank you I will ask my sister if she would be able to go with him. She is a recovering alcoholic for more than eight years and I am amazed about how much she knows of different resources and where to start. Thank you so much. You all are great
-- Edited by FreeSpirit67 on Saturday 3rd of March 2012 11:14:32 AM
Welcome! The meetings helped me make clear choices on how to best proceed so that I was taking care of myself and not making the situation worse by trying to "help". I think its great you are reaching out for help right now. I tried to handle loving a problem drinker for years, and it just got harder and harder for me until I finally found Al Anon. I hope you can find your way to a face to face meeting to help with the pain and confusion. I found the newcomer's packet (they give them out to newcomers at the meetings) especially helpful in clearing up some of my confusion. Sending you support!
The fact is that the more initiative they take in getting into recovery, the better chance they have at recovery. He may be shy, but even the boldest people have all kinds of excuses when they don't really want to start recovery. "Those people are not like me." "I can do it fine on my own." "They're all religious and I'm not like that." "They're all rednecks." "They're all fancy intellectual people who just talk and don't really know how to do anything." "I don't need to go because the problem is solved now."
But people who really want recovery will start recovery. For it to work, they have to want it more than anything, even than staying at home in their comfort zone.
We have to watch what they do, not what they say in this business. Part of alcoholism is talking a good game but never getting started.
I know that experience of having strong feelings that you can't turn off like a faucet. (He has equal feelings about alcohol.) None of this is pain-free for anyone. But we have to protect ourselves. Part of that means looking at the situation as it is, not as we'd like it to be. I hope you can read many threads here, learn all you can about alcoholism, find a good meeting, read the literature, and take good care of yourself.
You need an old time Al-Anon person to go to a Al-Anon meeting with you. Let him find his own way to AA. He may just find a woman who accepts his drinking instead of going to AA. You NEED Al-Anon to learn how to deal with an alcoholic. You are doing exactly what we all did before Al-Anon. It lead us to heartbreak, loneliness and depression. Al-Anon showed us how to replace that with peace and serenity. Attend six face to face meetings, preferably with different groups. If you are not satisfied, you are welcome to go back to being miserable.
