help please- the positive side of ambiguity? - Al-Anon Family Group

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

help please- the positive side of ambiguity?

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I guess one of the positives for me is it allows others into the information and solution and the picture of what we are trying to look at is broad and open to input from many directions. I would also say that this would help build humility because the defintion would not solely be mine. There are things about ambiguity I don't feel at ease with being a person who would rather have clearly defined boundaries and black and white highly contrasted pictures. thank HP for Al-Anon huh? ((((hugs)))) hope you get an A+ smile

Oksie · Senior Member

For me, I am a black and white thinker mainly. Ambiguity drives me insane at times.
Ambiguity also gives me freedom if I allow it.
If I acted on my black and white thinking I would be divorced and living with 100 cats out bush somewhere.
The ambiguity of, no right answer, or no 'right' way of doing things, when I came here saved my marriage.
I was allowed to make of the situation what I thought was right for me....
Ambiguity can be free will.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

am·bi·gu·i·ty

1.
doubtfulness or uncertainty of meaning or intention: to speak with ambiguity; an ambiguity of manner.
2.
an unclear, indefinite, or equivocal word, expression, meaning, etc.: a contract free of ambiguities; the ambiguities of modern poetry.

I would think that it would allow for creativity to as well because there is nothing that is tied into that "one" thing. I can think of many artists that would fall under that category. That is def a positive based upon the actual definition you are looking to use.

Sometimes people aren't really ready for concrete answers because they need to find their own way there.

Hugs P :)

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks everyone. Trying to find a comfortable place outside my Alanon boundaries is super challenging... maybe I'm trying to still control the outcome... Thank you again- the support is greatly appreciated.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I can only think of the following: If a situation is unclear, then you really are not prepared to do anything about it. You do not have to work so hard to change it. Also, when things are murky, you have to have faith in your HP's will that "more will be revealed" as they say.

Hope that helps. Interesting quote you brought up though.

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Very helpful, pinkchip- Absolutely it belongs in the hands of my HP- now I have to let go!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

At first I was unclear,and unsure of your intention of asking that.

In other words I was ambiguous becuz I didn't know what ambiguty was?

Is that right? Thank you Pushka though I am not sure I get it still. lol

um well I like being unclear as it makes me research to find an answer, or I am patient until I know what it all means.

It is something that makes me think.

ex: I am very ambiguous to what will happen as far as my home being a total loss from the tenant destroying it.

So I have to make steps to become clear of the steps to take with the attorney.

Is that right? wow what makes you ask? Are you ambiguous about something??? gads. I sound like a merry go round.....

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you Debi- I'm grateful for your response. Yes, you seem to have a firm grasp on it!

When I was a little girl, merry go rounds seemed so safe, always brought me back to the familiar... but geeze, these mental merry go rounds just create anxiety...

My pattern is to associate ambiguity (mixed messages from others, not knowing, not having enough information, etc) with a horrible downward spiral into an endless pit. I'm trying to hold myself together and someone suggested that ambiguity can be positive. I want to change my negative perspective but am having trouble.

I have two situations that may have sad/ unfavorable outcomes. This is consuming my thoughts and draining my energy and the stress is off the charts, not to mention fear kicking in big time... but nothing horrible has happened (yet) and I don't have enough information. The only way to get more information is to wait. Waiting without fear is difficult.

In one situation, a 2 year pending court case with my exAH, I can try and push things along by finding another lawyer. Getting another lawyer will sever the situation cleanly quickly, but not necessarily to my best interest and I won't know until much later. In the meantime, I feel like I'm being held hostage with the situation as my life remains unable to move forward until this falls on one side of the fence or the other. It's hard to know if letting go and letting HP means to sit and wait or to hire another lawyer. There may be a work opportunity and if it is a good match, things will fall to one side of the fence with the court case; I will also need to consider packing and moving.

The other situation is one of my relationships and how it is stirring up unresolved and unhealthy patterns. I don't know yet how much of it is the other person- it may only be a smaller contribution... I have to work on why I'm reacting first in order to see things more clearly and in a fair balance. I'm feeling sad as, at the moment, it is not what I thought. Again, I don't have enough information and I want to break the pattern of reaching (knowingly or unknowingly) for thoughts of negative outcomes.

Your thoughts are appreciated!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Basically, you described 2 different situations and both of them are like coin tosses. You benefit to acknowledge there is an equal chance of positive outcome as there is negative.

One positive about it being ambiguous is that you do not have to deal with the consequences RIGHT NOW. As you stated, the fallout or the reward (depending on fate) will happen later - so enjoy today! Also, you might not even have to make a choice since the situations are ambiguous. A positive is that you can wait until things become more clear (as I stated in the other post I made).

I used to catastrophize a lot. I could go from "Oh dang. I stubbed my toe. I bet it's broken. I'll probably have to take off work. I bet I will get fired for missing work. I wont be able to pay bills. I will be homeless and die." All of that would happen in like 2 seconds. It took forcing my mind to answer back and go "STOP! That is not true!" when I saw myself going down that road. I had to force myself to see that there could be positive outcomes too.

I am not a huge believer in "The secret" and the basic premise of that book, but there is some validity to the fact that if you have positive energy, hope, and faith, positive outcomes are more likely....So might as well think positively.

*I personally think the work on thinking positively just prepares us to view outcomes and choices in a better light but it's not worth belaboring lol.

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you so much pinkchip- yes, thank you for helping me place another stop sign from going down "that road". I knew I was in trouble because I wanted to reach into my (shrinking) bag of mental tricks that would bring me to an unrealistic and numb place. I agree that, for whatever reason, putting positive energy out and remaining as positive as possible will lighten an otherwise heavy load. Grateful for the support.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.