The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Despite my optimism and healthy outlook this morning, when my AH called this afternoon on his way to work, it was obvious that he was in a terrible mood. Presumably this was because, once again, he slept away most of the day after drinking last night, and was not able to complete the large majority of the chores he had said he would do (of course, I had no expectation that any of them would get done).
So instead of staying on my side of the street, focusing on myself, I very intentionally asked some questions that, if asked of a "normal" person would have been no big deal but that I KNEW would illicit an angry reaction from him. OF COURSE it escalated into a fight. OF COURSE it turned into me complaining, AGAIN, about the drinking and the lack of intimacy. OF COURSE I turned all co-dependent again. After we hung up, OF COURSE I sent a text message apologizing for losing my temper, saying that his drinking bothers me, but that my feelings are my problem not his.
Now I'm trying to talk myself down out of yet another freak-out.
I suppose the silver lining is this: I did have quite an a-ha moment. I am not one to try and save the tough conversations for when my AH is in a good mood. Instead, I nag and rant and bring up my complaints when he is already in a terrible mood. Note to self...must be more mindful of keeping to my own side of the street when his mood is poor.
Does crash and burn go with epic fail? I had one of those as well and you know what .. stuff happens and life moves along. Don't be hard on yourself .. you are doing the best you can with the tools you have got and there are going to be moments where no matter what .. our inner demons come out to play. You my friend are a work in progress, and it will never be perfect and that's ok because perfection is not what it is about.
I try and check myself at the door if I am HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired) or HHALT (hormonal, hungry, angry, lonely, tired) .. OMGosh if I could count the moments that has saved my sanity because all of a sudden I loose interest in what I was going to say and address my own needs and that urge to do whatever passes.
Stop beating yourself up and take it as a lesson learned and you will navigate what works and what doesn't work for you.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Hey Steph, don't be too hard on yourself. It took awhile to learn these ineffective ways of dealing with an A, and will will take awhile to to unlearn them too. Awareness is a huge first step as you get more and more into the program. Those "a-ha" moments are the beginning of positive change ahead.
We are all very human and dealing with active alcoholism is painful and extremely frustrating. You reacted to hubby and in your reaction you used old tools. As everyone has pointed out "Recovery" is a process.
The new tools take time to become second nature. You know that it is important to not react and buy into crazy town, your earlier post showed your good intentions.-
I found I needed to replace my negative thoughts by repeating a simple slogans like Easy does it or Let Go and Let God over and over in my head. This kept my sanity in check and I could simply act in my best interest Saying I cannot talk now, I hear you etc.
The bottom line when dealing with alcoholism is you cannot go to the hardware store for bread . Even if the hardware store is not drinking or is in a good mood -- no matter how hard you try, no matter what you say the Hardware Store will remain the Hardware Store.
I found that in order to let go of my anger, resentment and sadness at the loss of my dreams it helped to journal all my resentments and do a step 4 thru 7 on them . Much of my anger and resentments lifted and I was able to validate myself and my needs without saying it mean.
Please keep taking care of you You are human and reacting as you did is normal in an abnormal situation
You deserve to be happy so please keep taking care of you
In the Getting Them Sober books, she says no one understands that living with an alcoholic is crazy making. Because we are powerless, we go crazy now and then. And sometimes it is provocation by the alcoholic. He can provoke and then sit there and say well, would you look at her going crazy. You'll do better the next time.
progress not perfection. When I have a day when I just really get off track. I wake up the next day fresh and think, I have another day to give it to my HP and really keep the focus on me. Thanks for sharing with us
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Ideally Stephanie, you should be able to talk to you husband and communicate concerns at any time. You should not have to tiptoe around his hangerovers and drunks. I guess this is not an ideal situation. I'm only saying this so you know that you didn't act wrong as a person, though I guess maybe it's not the best way to deal with your particular husband.
I tend to err on the side of not cutting the A much slack cuz I know that never helped me. When read stuff like you wrote, my naturally instinct is "Hrm. He probably deserved to get yelled at for being irresponsible and a bad husband." BUT, I forget I'm dealing with active alcholism and you are trying to live in the solution of what is. He is not a person trying to better himself using a program. You are. Hence, in that regard, I now understand the hardware/breadstore thing. I don't see the arguments so much as you having dirtied up your side of the street as much as spending too much time on his side of the street which is perpetually dirty (not to bash your husband too hard).
Oh Mark, his side of the street is totally filthy, all of the time. I'm getting better about not trying to clean it up, but yesterday I did spend a lot of time over there complaining to him about how dirty it is. LOL
Honestly, my feelings about this are much less related to feeling bad for upsetting him, and much more about being upset over upsetting MYSELF. It wasn't really his words/behavior that upset me in the long run. I've come to understand that what he says to me, about me, is really about himself. What frustrated me was that I know that behaving this way sends me into a tailspin. I have developed great tools, and don't spin out of control nearly as often as I used to. I spent some time wishing I had used those tools yesterday, but now I refuse to continue to beat myself up over beating myself up. Onward and upward! I have a new home to organize, children and dogs to care for, and most of all...I have my own life to live and make better.
Thanks everyone for your support and feedback. I have always been my own worst enemy, and have always been much harder on myself than anyone else in my life. It's a hard habit to break, but I'm getting better.
