The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hope I haven't accidentally erased my first comment where I describe my situation. I attended my first face to face meeting last night although I have been reading here for a couple of weeks. After reading the literature today, I realized that I have been handling some things in the wrong way and wonder if I should try going back again and using some new ways of coping. What worries me is that my husband did become physical last time and his bursts of anger are intimidating (even over the phone) but I wonder how it would be if I didn't argue back. I know people here try to mainly offer support without opinions but I am asking for them, please.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G Llewellyn
I do think that choosing not to argue back is a step in the right direction. Try to remain calm, Think and don't React. Set your boundaries.. Cursing, shouting, those are reasons enough to say well I'm going to excuse myself from this conversation now, you can call me back when you calm down bye. Did u get the book "how alanon works" if not get it at your next meeting. It's a very helpfuon book! Sending you love and support on your journey.
So glad that you made your first meeting. . When I first entered the rooms of alanon I too discovered I handled the disease of alcoholism incorrectly. You are not alone.
Alanon suggest that you make no major life changes for the first 6 months that you are in program UNLESS you are in physical danger.
I am sure you heard the 3 Cs ---that You did not Cause this disease, Cannot Control it and Cannot Cure it.
The tools we learn in alanon helps us to develop new principles to live by. We learn how to focus on ourselves and to respond to the illness in a more constructive fashion.
I suggest that you keep attending meetings, using the tools and if possible get a sponsor That way you will have a trusted spiritual guide who can share her ESH and together you can work out the best actions.
Things may well go better if you use the Al-Anon teaching of "Don't React," but that doesn't mean that he is entitled to use physical force if you don't. Using the Al-Anon tools doesn't control him -- it will not stop him from hitting if he's a violent person. What the tools do is to give you the best chance of behaving healthily in the situation. But whether the other person responds healthily is all up to them. I don't think Al-Alon would ever advise going back to try again with someone who does not control his impulses toward physical violence. I know how it is to want badly for things to be different. But if he has shown that he can be physically violent, I strongly urge you not to put yourself in harm's way. The tools help us, but they do not change the other person.
Go gently on yourself your just beginning to realize that we could have done things differently for me it sums up When I know better I do better, we all did the best we could with the information we had at the time . Your learning a diff way to live and it takes time . No one should have to live in fear of physical violence regardless of the reason it is totally unexceptable .. learning to respond instead of reacting takes time - Easy does it .. Louise
Fix It...get back into the rooms as soon as you can and keep and open mind. Do it one day at a time only. As a former Alternatives to Violence Mens' case manager let me suggest that you don't make your situation worse and do pickup other sources of help and support...Safe houses, police, TROs, Family and Friends. Keep a secret stash of funds for an emergency including another set of car keys and remember that 911 is a speed dial on your cell phone. Do not hesitate to use the support if in your head and gut you feel threatened and if fighting back will increase the chance of you getting assaulted or abused further...break it off and physically detach from where he is at.
If he has been drinking before, during and/or after events like this...remember alcohol alters the mind, body, spirit and emotions. You are and will be dealing with someone you have little to no importance with.
Keep coming back and going to your Face to Face groups. ((((hugs))))
