the legal side of detachment with love - Al-Anon Family Group

alexmaui · Veteran Member

the legal side of detachment with love

amills4294 · Senior Member

I'm not a lawyer... but if he does harm to himself within his own home from drinking or just gets hurt etc I don't think you have any legal obligation at all. The problem is if he harms someone else then you become liable because you are married. If anyone sue's him they can come after you too because you are married. I know we are not to offer advice at all but I know you can take legal measure to protect yourself without getting divorced such as a legal separation. Just a thought.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Depends on the state you are in.

I invite you to search Legal Separation "your state"

I got one here in oregon, then all we were was married. I was not responsible for anything of his. If you do not sign anything of his, or are not on any of his loans or anything, chances are you are not responsible for that either. but again check your own state law.

It was a huge relief for me. If they get into a bad car accident without a legal sep., I could have lost it all.

then lost it all anyhow....sigh due to his theft from me.

hope this helps. I am sad he is so sick. My ex ah does this also, falls down stairs, falls off his bike, cuts his hair all crazy, they are so sadly sickly insane.

Its heartbreaking. so heartbreaking. hugs hon, debilyn

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

For myself, I'm not sure the money would be enough of a consideration against my sanity. Here in my state even if your ex is well they get half of everything after 10 years.

For me I call it "self imposed damages". We can't think straight if we don't find our own responsibility. My ex was very abusive to me and I had to learn to push him out of my life even after we were divorced. And because he can't hold a job I pay him child support even though I have the kids more (figure that out). I'm a woman too so this is no longer a gender issue in my state!

If you have that many concerns, start with a legal separation if you aren't ready for divorce. It's a boundary, it won't feel good, he probably will react badly to it (not your responsibility) but if you can't keep your boundaries and sanity in tact, then you're stuck.

I know it's got to be terribly hard to watch him hurt himself like that but you didn't do it. Probably the most you can do is from a distance provide him tools he can use and it's up to him if he does or not. Maybe give him some meeting dates/times, books, etc. But you can't do it for him.

And with everything my advice here is mine. Not sure if it will apply to you or not. But boundaries need to be something we focus on everyday - it's critical. And as you get stronger with boundaries, you feel more in control of your own life and can handle things like this with a more clear head. That's absolutely the truth.

My two questions I ask be it with my abusive ex, my own kids (teens) or my boyfriend in recovery.... "is this my issue?" "how can I best make sure the responsibility lands where it belongs?".
I'll leave you with a silly example: My ex texted me yesterday "how much is breakfast for (youngest son)?". In another lifetime that seemed harmless. But with him, he wants badly for me to fit into the wife category still. So I said "is this my issue?" (no) "how do I best put this back on him?" ..... I texted back "I don't know". Because he's an adult and he is fully capable of finding that out on his own. And he did.

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