Feeling neglected by my AH - Al-Anon Family Group

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Feeling neglected by my AH

Oksie · Senior Member

It makes sense to me. In my opinion, your current reaction is quite typical.
I read the book men are from mars women are from venus a long time ago. It helped me to understand how a man goes into his cave.
I try to let my husband go there every now and then without fretting (not easy to do). While he is in there, I occassionally let him know I still love him.

This is not an easy time for either of you and I am sorry you are going through it.

Grace7 · Senior Member

It makes complete sense to me.

In reflection of having been married to an A, having longed for intimacy with him and also the volleying feelings that came with.

I am a woman of faith. Once during this time. another dear soul gave me the text of Isaiah 53. It is wonderful to read on what my Father God does for me (and you). He becomes a husband to us....our A's leave us as widows too often.

Also reflecting again, now that I am dealing with my adult sons who are A's. I have opportunity to forgive, again! I am working on my "Expert" forgiving status....again! (Forgive us our debts AS we forgive those who trespass against us).

Sending hugs. I want you to do this everytime you need that touch from him and don't get it. Wrap your arms around yourself, and lovingly hug!

danni · Senior Member

I totally understand the sometimes constant back and forth of wanting to be close vs. pulling away. Wanting intimacy, reacting to the lack of it or feelings surrounding things that are bothering me. The end result was very little closeness. My sponser suggested I just keep reaching out, even when I don't feel like it by a simple touch on the shoulder or small hug. I kept doing it, even when he didn't respond. Eventually, the frostiness thawed, and we had more closeness. I still have to remind myself to keep at it. It so easily gets forgotten. To check my motives, I make sure I am doing it for ME. I am not trying to change my AH. I am doing my part. If he responds, fine. If he doesn't fine. I need to let go of any expectation of what he will do. Hope this helps. It is just my experience. hugs!

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you for the replies. I do what Danni suggested. I reach out with a quick hug, I sat on the couch with him and sat closer than usual, etc. My AH just keeps telling me that the ball is in my court and that he is giving me the space I need. In other words, he won't reach out to me because he knows I'm angry and dealing with negative emotions right now. I guess I just wish he would reach out.

Last night on the phone he told me that he is a loser and that I can do better than him(he's been saying this for most of our married life so this is nothing new). He doesn't understand why I stay with him. He told me that I can have the house, the savings, car, whatever I need to provide for our son. He thinks he doesn't fit in with us and that he just creates more havoc and pain for all of us. It's so hard for me to hear him beat himself up like that. And, quite frankly, I'm getting kind of tired of repeating myself over and over again about why I stay with him, how God forgives us all, and that I really do love him, etc. I am totally open to forgiving again, I just wish he felt worthy of my forgiveness. It would make things a whole lot more peaceful around here!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Well ILD....I completely validate your feelings and the struggle you are going through. Sounds like the hubby has some serious work to do on his self-esteem. That intense self-hatred is what drove my drinking also. Emotional immaturity is a hallmark of addicts and alcoholics. Instead of dealing with the feeling side of things and this DUI means in terms of being irresponsible, a bad example to your son, and not listening to your concerns all a long, he is doing what he knows in terms of responsibility - Work. Also he may be taking addictive urges and just changing them in the direction of work now that he is trying not to drink. The only change he committed to was to not drink. He didn't commit to recovery or to working on his self-esteem so I don't know that I would expect him to make a lot of progress dealing with feelings and such. The urge to validate and comfort him would be there, but his feeling like a loser is his problem and it will not change until he seeks out recovery and/or therapy for those issues. Your love for all these years has not made him love himself. Being emotionally immature - saying things like "I am a loser" is typically fishing for a response of "no you are not honey, you are great and I love you." The more emotionally mature person would be like "I feel like a loser, I better do something different so I can feel like I am accomplishing things that make me feel good about myself." - or they would go to therapy to get to that point.

As an aside, I only started loving myself after about 2 years in recovery. It went from 'I hate myself" to "I dislike myself" to "I guess I am okay" to "I kinda like myself" to "I love myself" and that took a long time. AA was crucial in it because they loved me til I could love myself.

In support,

Mark

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks, Mark. For years I would say the 'you're great, I love you anyway stuff' but it always seems to fall on deaf ears. He is definitely emotionally immature and I'm not much further along but at least I'm recognizing it and getting into a recovery program for myself. He made a comment last night about how the people in Al Anon will eventually tell me to leave him soon anyway. I almost came back with my own nasty reply but I held back. Maybe some day I can get him to come to a meeting so he understands that no one is throwing any one under the bus in our meetings. It's all about support, moving forward, and loving those that are hurting including ourselves.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Your post was de javu for me this morning , if I had a dime for every one of those * chats * I call them fireside chats where he tells me what a looser he is I spend half the nite building him up and going to bed with some hope that this time he will really try .. ugh after a few yrs in this program on one of his i want to talk nites , I listened for a few min got up gave him a hug told him I loved him and reasured him he didnt have to live this way that there was help for him all he needed to do was ask , of course I meant AA and I went to bed -if I had spent half as much time taking care of my own needs as I gave to him I would have been in pretty good shape . sheeeeesh but I just couldnt listen to the same ole same ole one more time .. this is his struggle leave it with him and take care of you . eventually my husb did seek help and has 22 yrs of sobriety . It was suggested to me to be prepared that if he finally wanted help to have a AA contact number for HIM to call .thankfully he made the call . Louise

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs and sending love and support, it's a journey and I love all of the ESH you have received!!

Hugs P :)

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