I don't know if I'm being crazy... - Al-Anon Family Group

atheos · Senior Member

I don't know if I'm being crazy...

Wolfie55 · Senior Member

My boss used to "I'm very disappointed that you...blah blah blah" It really bothered me until I realized that his being disappointed in my performance was because he had such high expectations of me that I was incapable of meeting them. Actually it wasn't just me. He treated everyone that way. Its actually a mild form of verbal abuse. So it was more his stuff than mine. Fortunately, my boss and I are both in recovery and I was able to bring it to his attention outside of work. and now he finds gentler ways of criticizing me. And I found a great way to respond. I write him a nasty memo, read it out aloud to no one in particular, shred it then give him the memo that says I'm very sorry I did not live up to your expectations. It won't happen again. That probably doesnt help but I thought I'd share it anyway

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Atheos and sorry you're in such a tight place. You have all kinds of alternatives including "flight" or "fight". I know shaming language when I hear it and it sounded kinda/sorta how you're being talked to. He gets paid more than you and he is the supervisor or boss so how he does what he does is one of his tools and if you are staying then I suggest you read, listen and learn as much as you can about acceptance. I like Wolfie's one on one approach with the boss. It is what I do because I learned in Al-Anon how not to be afraid of it and how to keep and open mind and not give them more power than they can handle or hand them my power too. He's a human being and you can tell him that you were told that he was just a great boss when you hired on and now you're feeling like you were given the wrong information in that area.

He seems to make you more responsible for errors than it seems possible (you're responsible for bringing down the whole department?)

He's tired of correcting your mistakes and not allowing you to make the corrections yourself?

I expect_____. If you don't like it? That one is prejudging you and suggesting options for you without you being involved.

Sounds like he is afraid of you...wonder why? He's stuck...wonder why? both are his responsiblilies not yours.

Ask him for a written critique you can work by and see if he's willing to support you that way. Could happen.

I always felt uncomfortable in the same place. Keep coming back ((((hugs)))) smile

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

It is my experience that HR has a very different perspective of bosses than those of the people who work under them. "Nice" and "great guy" doesn't necessarily correlate with a diplomatic management style, especially from an HR perspective. Furthermore, a smart boss will want to be very favorable with the HR department for many reasons. It could be that your boss is under new pressures that other's are unaware of. That said, I would take their opinion with a proverbial grain of salt.

That still leaves you to deal with his style of setting expectations/ criticism, which, as Wolfie suggested, may not be personal. I would not be happy under these conditions either; when I've been unhappy with bosses, I've had to learn to change my perspective or change my job.

One thing about bosses is that most of them want to look good/ have their employees make them look good. When I have had difficulty, sometimes I've detached and focused on productivity. If that did not work I've hung back and observed what my boss seems to like. (ie he likes quiet rather than energetic people, he's a stickler for grammer, etc.) Later, when I'm confident, I approach him with a gentle smile and let him know that I would like to better align myself with his goals and ask what I can do that will achieve that. Of course, then I have to make it happen.

I hope this helps.

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

I used to work for a man who was what I now consider very passive aggressive. He would praise me to other people (sales reps, chefs, insurance people, etc.) within my hearing. But then he would get me alone for a ¨meeting¨ and point out all my shortcomings (in his mind) to me. The craziest thing was that I loved that job and gave more than 100% to it. But he never seemed to see it. I used to wonder what was wrong with me that this person couldn't be satisfied with my best efforts, and then some. I finally realized that it wasn't about me-I did my job the best I could and if he couldn't see that it was his problem. Unfortunately, HIS problem did affect me in a negative way so that I finally had to give up a job I mostly loved because my interactions with my boss were causing me too much stress. On a slightly satisfying side note-none of my replacements lasted in the job nearly as long as I did. Which of course means nothing more than a slight massage to my ego. I was still unemployed. :( Not sure if any of this is any help to you, but wishing you the best in your current situation.

Ariel · Veteran Member

Nobody can tell you that how you are feeling is wrong. If someone is berating you when you are doing the very best you can, anyone is going to feel bad. After hearing it over & over, we start to believe it. ("Maybe I am a bad employee"). Nobody has the right to treat you harshly or meanly. If you are going home feeling emotionally beat up on a daily basis, you might want to ask yourself if it's the right environment for you. I'm a sensitive person, I know that about myself. There's no way I could live with a boss like that. I also think that people generally want to feel like they're doing a good job - nobody wants to go home feeling like a failure on a daily basis. Most of all, there is ALWAYS a nice way to put things. And you do not have to tolerate abuse from your boss. Some bosses, like parents, manage by using fear tactics and verbal abuse. Stay strong, and take yourself out of the situation if it's getting to you badly! Big hugs!!!

GreenerGrass · Senior Member

There is an exercise that has helped me in the past. I think it was in the book "dont sweat the small stuff, and its all small stuff" Imagine the difficult person as a very old person sitting in a rocking chair, and also imagine this person as a newborn baby. Really see these pictures in your mind clearly. It sounds weird but it truly helped me with not being intimidated and irritated with this person, the fear was taken away and I could see this person for the human being that she was. Try it, I think you will be amazed.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

The question I would have about any boss's directions is: "Is it helping you do the job better? Is it helping you learn what is needed? Is it making you feel valued and so you want to work there?" It doesn't sound as if that's so. His job is to help you do your job. It sounds to me as if you're so full of confusion (which is not your fault) that you don't feel comfortable and therefore you can't do the job as well as you'd like to, never mind how he'd like you to do it. To me, that reads like an unskilled boss.

It also sounds like a bad match. There are better places to work out there. Maybe this is a time to start looking around. When you land in a better place, you may well look back and be amazed at how you kept going even with such bad management.

Oksie · Senior Member

You to boss... I am sorry you feel that way boss. I find it difficult to improve my work when I am feeling very devalued every time I try to learn your way of doing things. (obviously putting in your own situation specifics there)

(personally for me to actually say this to a boss I woudl be hyperventilating and bright red and sweating.... but it may just make you feel like you have at least stood up for yourself).

If you get the sack or choose to leave after you have made your personal boundaries known... then you can go with pride that you didn't allow him to walk all over you.

Boundaries are not just for home, they are the workplace too, and they can be just as hard if not harder.

I have done it recently with a woman I work with who thought she was my boss. She waltzed into my office and proceeded to tell me I had done such and such wrong and then started to walk away. I bit down hard and yelled out (for her to hear me), you can't just walk up here and give me half a story about doing something wrong and then just waltze off, come back and speak to me properly please.

Man it was hard and I was breathing heavy and sweating and my eyes were bugging out of my head and I probably could have done it better but she came back and explained the full story to me. I was still shaking etc when she left but I know I have stood up to her now. Next time it will be easier (I hope).

It doesn't matter if someone else finds him like a god and the sun revolves around his nether regions.... if he makes you uncomfortable, then your feelings are right.

Good luck.

atheos · Senior Member

Thank you all. Very, very much.

Since this situation started, I've pulled into my old pattern of isolating and made things worse for myself by trying to deal with this alone... I was afraid peoples' responses to the situation would be "that's just the way the real world works, and your defective if you can't handle it" so I didn't want to talk to people... even when I went to meetings I didn't want to mention the situation.

Now that I've gotten this out here, and seen your wonderful, supportive responses, I can feel the knot in my stomach starting to loosen... Thank You!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I like Linda's share. okie? okly oh you know. Anyway my thought is I would make an app. with the boss.

Before I went I would write down what I needed to say. Take that notebook for notes. If you feel intimidated, have someone go with you.

Myself I am thinking I would say: I wanted to talk to you about my performance here. I feel I am getting lots of negative responses and would like it if you would help me to do my job better.

puts it in his or her lap. he or she will feel good that you came to them. It will look like you do care and want to do better.

If there are issues or things you want to point out, write them down. taking notes helps us not get confused. Its very ok.

I tended to be a very too ok boss! too ok landlady too, too nice. sigh

anyway I liked it if someone asked me how they could do better. Also if I was doing something questionable, please tell me. I think we all may do something we don't realized is not ok.

Even though you want to be a good employee, this has to be about your working NOT YOU! I would not take it personal. Its hard to learn not to take everything personal when you are a tenderheart. I am one too. Finally I realized I did not care much what they thought of me as the admin was noone I respected anyway.

It may be more we need to work on how much we value our self. If someone does not like how I do something, then please point out how you think it would be better. Berating is not going to solve anything, in fact it is abuse. We need "constructive guidance."

Maybe a looking at it differently would help. pretend it is a tv show. How do you see this boss and you. Is this person like this to others on the job?

Myself I always thing what is the most loving way to handle this. Please accept this hug, and YOU are a wonderful person, who cares, which is rare. love,debilyn

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

All the things you are saying are indicators its not a great fit. I think you can work at getting better at the things you are getting negative feedback for, but in the meanwhile, look for other opportunities. You should always be looking for bettter opportunities out there in the work world anyhow.

Grace7 · Senior Member

I agree with pink. Life is too short, you spend so much time at work. You should be Happy there!!! I just started a new job, and I LOVE it! And in my field of work even, thought that would Never happen, that I was burnt out due to the caregiving nature of it. So, this could be a great stepping stone where you come out of it with skills to protect you in the future. In that end, it is priceless. Best to you.

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