One of the many gifts I have received in my almost 12 years of sobriety is the work I was allowed to do at a local transition home for recovering alcoholics and addicts. I have no formal background or training in the field of alcoholism unless you count my 30 years field experience. I guess I just have a way with drunks because I am one. In fact, most of the people who worked there were in one or more of the 12-step recovery groups in our area, so we all knew each other from the meetings. And although we werent getting paid to do AA, we did it every chance we got. We had a lot of meetings before the meetings and meetings after the meeting. It was great.

One of my favorite topics is one that involves relationships in recovery. At least once a week, someone would come home and want to tell us about the girl he met in detox or at a meeting. Of course when I questioned them about such things, I always got the same response. Oh its not like that. Were just friends. And I would always say the same thing. Let me tell you a story about that.

In addition to being a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, I am also a grateful member of Al-Anon. Its ironic. I originally went to Al-Anon because I thought it would be a great place to meet women who knew how to take care of alcoholics. But, when I heard the members, both male and female, talk about their experiences, how they were affected by the alcoholism of others and how they found solutions, well I realized I belonged there too. So, I would always go to one Al-Anon meeting a week, a 10 am earlybird meeting. The rest of the week I spent in AA.

Well! There was this one lady who was always at the meeting. She always looked really stressed out, to the point of exhaustion, head down, eyes closed. I thought she came to the meetings to sleep somewhere she knew shed be safe. I later learned that she wasnt sleeping, she was meditating. Every now and then, she would laugh and whenever she did, no word of lie, everything around her got brighter. When she shared, her voice was soft and soothing. Sometimes I went to that meeting just to hear her laugh. She was a very nice lady, very spiritual. Oddly enough, her name was Nancy which means full of grace. I was attracted to her but not in the man-woman kind of way. It was deeper, more of a spiritual attraction. But I stayed clear of any woman in Al-anon because I was still new in sobriety and I felt they had probably suffered enough without having to put up with me too.

But life is seldom so uncomplicated. One day, she spoke to me outside a meeting. She asked me for a light. I asked her for a cigarette. We exchanged small talk about the weather. Nothing out of the ordinary. At the time, I had about four months under my belt and I was living in the same transition home where I later went to work. The following Monday I was late getting to the meeting. I wasnt even going to go. I get a weird feeling every time I think what might have happened if I hadnt went. I did go. The meeting was almost over. The topic was slogans I think. I shared about a slogan an AA friend had told me about just a few days prior to this meeting. If you want something you never had before, then do something you never did before. I thought it sounded cool.

After the meeting, Nancy cornered me and said she was going to do something shed never done before. She asked me if I would tell her what it was like to be an alcoholic because her husband (who she was going through a messy divorce with) had never talked about it to her. I suggested she go to an open AA speaker meeting. By coincidence, there was one that night so I gave her the location. She asked if I was planning to attend and I said I was and if she was nervous she could certainly sit in my row. She offered to drive me there and I thought that was a great idea. It was all very platonic and harmless because, after all, we were just friends. I was just being helpful.

The meeting was at 8. She picked me up at 6. Some of the guys were razzing me about it. I assured them it wasnt what they were thinking. Its not like that. Were just friends. The interesting part is that we were just friends. We had a few hours to kill so we went for coffee. Some polite conversation. Some kidding around. I told her what the guys had said and she laughed. There it was again. I felt very relaxed in her presence. One of us made a comment that we should get to the meeting because this was starting to feel like a date, but it wasnt a date. Was it?

The meeting was great. The place was packed. The speaker was powerful. There was lots of laughter, lots of tears, lots of love. Nancy was floored by the whole thing. Afterwards she remarked that she felt like she had been hit in the stomach with a 2x4. She didnt know whether to laugh, cry, or throw up. The meeting was over at 9. I still had 3 hours till my curfew and since we were having such a great time just being friends we decided to have another coffee and a drive along the coast. OK, so maybe that part was a bit romantic, but it was her idea.

At this stage of my recovery I had completed my 4^th step and I was shopping around for someone to share my 5^th step with. Suddenly, I had a great idea! I could ask my new friend. She had lots of Al-anon time in and shed just been exposed to an AA talk. She was a perfect choice. Besides, once she found out the types of things I had done in my downward spiral, she would think twice about getting romantically involved with me. So, I asked Nancy and she agreed and so I took the 5^th step with a woman from Al-anon who I had met almost a year ago but whom I hardly knew. All I knew was that I trusted her and I felt comfortable around her. My story took about 2 hours. When I was finished, she thanked me. She said no man had ever been so open and honest with her. There were tears in her eyes and a few in mine too. It was an experience I will not soon forget. And then she did her Al-anon 5^th step with me.

Nancys story was not as long as mine but it was similar in many ways. We had grown up in the same neighborhoods, we knew a lot of the same people, we drank in the same places, we felt the same feelings, we liked the same types of food, mostly, and the same music, we both liked dancing, and I never realized how much in common we actually had. But, it was because I never really taken the time to get to know her because of my fear of screwing it up. As her story unfolded, something that wasnt supposed to happen during a 5^th step, did happen. I realized that I was in love with Nancy. I figured I was probably in love with her since the day I laid eyes on her and that no matter what happened next, I would always be in love with her. So, I kissed her. I figured this could go two ways. Either, she would kiss me back or she would throw me out of her truck while it was still moving and maybe run over me as I tried to get away. Well, obviously she didnt throw me out of her truck.

Later that night, I took Step 6, 7 and 8. They dont take very long if you do them right. The following day, Nancy and I went to a noon meeting. After the meeting, I told her why I kissed her and after I got up from being down on one knee, we decided we would walk this road together. My sponsor wasnt crazy about the idea but he liked the fact that I was on step 9 when I proposed, and not step 1 like I usually was. And I truly believe today that is why we were so successful in what we set out to do. We had solid programs. Our compatibility at spiritual, mental and emotional levels was a fact and not wishful thinking And we had no deep-lying emotional handicaps that would rise up under later pressures to cripple us.

I have always believed that without the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and all that it entails, I would have nothing and I would be nothing, so my program takes precedence over everything else. I was very clear about that. I told Nancy that if she ever got in between me and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, there would be a battle and she would lose. Thats when she told me about her black belt in Al-Anon. She later became a member of our Fellowship and will celebrate 12 years in September.

I also said that it would be nice if I could promise her the moon and the stars and that I would love her until the end of time but I didnt know what I would be doing at the end of time so all I could really offer her was one day. Today. That was March 24, 1998. One day at a time has been working just fine. We were married on New Years Eve, 1999. I sent everyone an invitation. It was in the Grapevine, December 1999 Invitation to A Wedding. Some of you even showed up.

Back then, we were holding an AA group in our home. We still do. Its called the Trailer Park 12 and 12 Study Group. So, if youre ever in Dartmouth, Nova Scotia on a Wednesday night and you need a meeting or if you just want some coffee and conversation, give us a call. Just call AA. They know how to reach us. Wed love to see you.

Someone once said that the relationship the two of us have is remarkable. She wanted to know what our secret was. She even said we should put it in a bottle and sell it. We just laughed because its no secret really. If you take the Twelve Steps, the Twelve Traditions, and the Twelve Concepts and apply them to your life on a daily basis, you will be amazed at the results you get. No need to put it in a bottle. Its already in a book. Maybe you should read it. Its called Alcoholics Anonymous and it not only saved our lives, it gave us new life. And by the way, were still friends.