The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'd be interested in hearing others thoughts, experiences, perspectives on personal privacy in a relationship.
I have come to learn that not everyone has the same view of this... As I've matured I've come to accept and value the need for personal privacy. I have times I just need to vent. I need to get things out and feel like I'm being heard just so I can process. For me this allows me to then not be so challenged and sometimes nasty to the person I'm having those feelings about. I have these boards, I have my alanon workbooks, I have journals and I have friends that I share my frustrations, happiness, feelings etc with. I think everyone should have that and if they choose to share with their partner that's ok too. I still need to be an individual within my relationship. I want to have my private thoughts respected and not violated. Sometimes that is difficult with an open board like this because yes it is on the internet.
I don't care that my spouse has his own email. He's going to do whatever he needs - communicate with whomever he wants - those are his choices. I can't stop them nor would I want to. I admit long ago I felt differently - but letting go of that has given me a lot of peace.
How have others dealth with or felt about this?
-- Edited by amills4294 on Thursday 23rd of February 2012 05:34:22 PM
You've brought up something that I struggle with as well Amills. Thank you for the topic because I am curious to see what is said. I really try and make sure when I post that it's respectful even if I don't feel that way in the moment because it has come back and bit me in the butt.
Something that I'm seeing now is how my spouse and I have never really communicated directly. Well, .. lol .. I talk a LOT .. lol .. I don't know if what i have to say really means anything because I have spent more time talking at him than listening. Something like you mentioned sometimes it's just a vent to get things out and for me to process. I don't think that I've realized how much damage I have done. Does that excuse any of his unhealthy behavior past or present, no it really doesn't .. however I get more so now the importance of being able to communicate together and what that means to me. I also see my part in the lack of communication and instead of breaking down walls I helped put the bricks in them.
I'm still struggling with what is ok to disclose and what is not. EVERYTHING doesn't have to be put on the table to be picked through. I'm starting to learn discernment on who I can put everything out there and where maybe it's just not appropriate. I have been blessed with 4 super close girlfriends, who don't live in town and that helps. Anyone I know here .. no not so much and I'm grateful that I have the board as well as my girlfriends to share my pain, joy and hope with. PLUS .. I am also seeing my part in things and that has also made a difference in shifting the focus from someone else (daily life situations, whomever that is) back to me.
Hugs and thank you again, :) P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
For me, I have always said that a relationship is open open open, share share share... I had to know everything and I had all the passwords to everything.
It didn't work.
I have been lied to, cheated on and deceived. Particularly by my ex husband.
This is an issue I have major problems with. Being on this board, I have not told my husband about. Its the first time I have ever kept a secret from him. I need to feel that I have a safe outlet to say whatever I want.
so.. this has challenged my concept of openness obviously.
We all have a right to personal safety and privacy. When I snoop on my husband, to find his drug use, he sees it as invasion of his privacy. I am slowly learning that he may have a point there?
Not sure I have helped much but I am feeling very confused today anyway.
Snooping is a good way to get hurt. It is insulting to the other person not be trusted. But sometimes it necessary to get hurt in order to open one's eyes and face the truth.
I started a relationship with a recovering alcoholic right after my alcoholic husband died. My new boyfriend was reluctant to get into a committed relationship. When he did not call, I worried that he was sick or hurt or had died. Finally he agreed to at least call me daily so that I did not worry about him. We were both living alone and I would worry that he would fall and there would be nobody to help him.
When we were apart, I spent my time daydreaming about how wonderful life with him was going to be when we finally got married and could be together all the time. Being extremely co-dependent, I dreamed of fixing him, his home, and his life. Recently I found out the times when I did not hear from him and I was worrying that he was dead were the times he was involved with other women. I was so blind and so in love that it never occurred to me that he would be doing that.
Two weeks ago, I verified my strong hunches by looking at his cellphone. He was extremely angry that I violated his privacy. He said he never wanted to see me again, but of course he called a few hours later and of course I went back. Now we have a very different relationship.
I accept his other girlfriends, respect his privacy and that is not my business. I have started the process of dating other men and that is not his business. I still care for him, but with the help of Al-Anon and a therapist I am working on my co-dependency issues.
I am not proud of violating his privacy. But I had to do that for my own good. My intention in looking at recent calls on his phone was to prove myself wrong. When that did not happen, I confronted him and he admitted the calls were from old girlfriends. If I had respected his privacy, I would still be in that relationship and believing he was faithful to me.
Now we are just friends and I am recovering from my co-dependency and hoping to find my next relationship with someone whose honesty and faithfulness will be so strong that I will never feel the need to question it.
-- Edited by whitedove on Friday 24th of February 2012 04:56:58 AM
I have always thought a personal relationship between two people should also allow for each individual's privacy. I admit in the past to looking for bottles of alcohol but finally realized that kind of snooping did me no good. So I suspected he was drinking-did my finding proof of it make me feel better? Of course not. As far as email, facebook, passwords, etc.-I am very protective of my own privacy. I would not want ANYONE no matter how close we are to be able to access those private areas of my life. So I would not ever violate my A's (or anybody else's) privacy in those areas.
I've been finding it hard with my husband on facebook. He's friends with women from work, who I don't know. A few times he told me he was having problems with one of them and then the next thing he's friends on facebook with them. It was driving me mad. Now I don't look. I only hop on if he wants to show me something. We used to use his page for communication as he works away. I don't have a page myself as I haven't found a need for it I guess.
Now I have a lot more peace with it, which saves my head.
Thank you all for you input and your thoughts/experiences. I too used to be a snooper... it is a difficult thing not to want to sometimes but I finally am learning to let it go and I guess because I'm learning to let it go it only upset me even more when my spouse did it for the umpteenth time. Yes, I'm sure I'm angry because he read things that I had written about him that I did not want him to know, but honestly most of it was factual - things he had done or said to me that hurt me. His anger over it I'm sure is the embarassment - if it's just between us then it's ok but if others know then it's real. He told me he was upset because now he cannot face them. I told him I found that interesting because I had hoped he would be more concerned about treating me well and how I felt about how he was treating me, his spouse, then what others thought. Boy did that bring up old wounds. My A mom always treated others better than her own family. Everyone, on the outside, thought she was so wonderful and compassionate but that is not the woman I saw. Now I am experiencing the same from my spouse.
This is an especially difficult question because alcholics and abusive spouses WANT you to keep things secret. They want you to not have an escape route and they are buried in so much shame that they can't be honest and on display like others can. I think it's good for recovery to try and be transparent without totally airing your dirty laundry. So in that aspect, I try and follow my heart about what I share about but also remember that other people's complaints about privacy may have more to do with them than me.
By the time folks reach both AA and alanon - they are often totally isolated and depressed so reaching out to others in the start is more important than worrying about privacy - just my opinion.
I don't password protect my facebook. neither does my wife. Well we have passwords to keep hackers out, obviously. We use the honor system. Either we trust each other or we don't. If I'm doing step work with someone I ask her not to read those messages because the other person needs to know their privacy is being respected. As for face book itself, I access mine daily for family contact, sponsorship, satisfying my poke-aholism, and just keeping up to date I guess. If I wanted to have a hot steamy love affair it wouldn't make much sense to have it on facebook.
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Not all my days are priceless, but none of them are worthless, anymore.
I agree that snooping is a way to get hurt, but that being hurt is sometimes the only way that the truth will come out. I don't snoop about his friends on facebook because I really don't care. But through my snooping I found out that the valium and ambien were just refilled at the pharmacy. I know he isn't really sober. He used different doctors so I know he isn't being honest with them either. I am just happy that I don't have to be let down by my own expectations. I know the truth.
I really value all of the feedback. It is very interesting to get everyone's perspective. My mistake was communicating about some recovery things as well as about my feelings I'm grappling with in my relationship. Those things I was not ready to share with my spouse. It was not trying to be deceptive but a safe place for me to work through my feelings and thoughts and sometimes no they aren't good. I'm of the mind that we should both be able to communicate with whomever we want to and feel safe to do so. If he starts some steamy love affair then it's gonna happen anyway whether I read his email or not... that's his choice.... if he's gonna talk about me he's going to talk about me whether I read his email or not so why make myself crazy digging for things that are completely his choice and out of my control and I wish he would feel the same.
If you don't have a sponsor seriously speaking that is what is so great about a sponsor .. they are a third party with no agenda and who won't take an agenda outside of your recovery and helping you work through those feelings. You have a right absolutely to work through those things and not have to worry about being spied upon.
My sponsor has been my saving grace and I am grateful for that big time.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
