I have two things on my mind today. They are seeming so big right now that I feel like my world is caving in. I tried to remember some slogins to help me relax. I had to think hard to pull a few out but I'm now trying to rememember that this too shall pass.....

But in the meantime I need to tell someone what's going on. I know in f2f meetings people aren't supposed to give you advice. I'm not necessarily asking for advice but I'm asking what would be most "alanon" of me.

My husband has been on a rampage of pawning others peoples things for money. Long story short but last Friday I had to pay $537 to get my jewelry out of pawn. This isn't the first time this has happened. I told him he couldn't stay with me anymore (again). His mom let him in to stay with her over the weekend. Yesterday after work he is at my house. I knew something was up. Like usual I gave in and let him in. I got a call a few hours later from his mom saying he has stolen her power washer. I confronted him. He responded with lies. After some time he finally admitted it. Of course he had "no choice" but to pawn it because he needed gas money to get to the unemployment office.

This morning I made him leave when I went to work. He left before me and when I went to walk out the door I had no key to lock it with. He apparently stole it from me so that he could go back while I'm at work. I made it clear he could not be there without me.

I can't leave work (luckily I have time to post this). I just can't decide if I should call the police. It's my house, not his, and he knows this. Also, I am afraid of what he is going to take to pawn. He needs to be stopped from this chaos....but is it my place to make that happen?

I just can't stand the idea of hurting him even though he seems to have no problem doing it to me.

I'd like to call to tell him to leave but he has also pawned his phone so I have no way to reach him.

How do I know when it's my place to interfere...and how can I get over the idea that doing so will hurt them?

I hope everyone is having a better start to the day than me. At least it's Wednesday

He is certainly pushing it to see how far he can go in taking from you.  He is using your fear of hurting his feelings (or hurting him in that he'll have a police record?) as a way to take advantage of you.  It might be worth exploring, when you have the chance to do so (maybe with a sponsor?) why you feel it's worth giving up your possessions and peace of mind not to hurt someone who's taking advantage of you.  Many of us grew up feeling it was dangerous not to be compliant, and that the only way to be acceptable was to make other people happy no matter what the cost.  When we grow up, we sometimes continue those patterns even though they're harmful to us and to others.

The reason I say they're harmful to others is because when we don't let alcoholics experience the normal consequences of their actions (like: they steal things, they get in trouble, even with the law), we're keeping them from seeing the real consequences of their choices.  Of course they do what works.  When it keeps on working, they keep on doing it.

And of course not having boundaries hurts us, as then other people can run roughshod over us.  Not feeling safe in one's own house is a terrible price.

If I were in this situation, I'd get a locksmith to change the locks ASAP, tell the A he is no longer welcome, and look into getting a restraining order.  Those would be some ways of setting boundaries.  Others would choose other ways.  I think most of all I'd read all the program literature I could and find a good sponsor.  No one should have to do this all without support.  Hugs.

You have a right to be self-protective. And he needs to see what happens when he walks all over people- The natural consequences of his actions.

If nothing changes then nothing changes.

I'm not saying it's easy. I've lived it - being fearful of my exAH's negative reactions when I'd set a boundary and specifically stick to it. He was very good at saying the right things to tear me down and get me to question whether I was a good human being or not. Some of my "favorite" lines from him included: "You're selfish." "I'd do it for you if you were in the same situation!" "You just don't care." I'd also hear those other complaints... that if I didn't help him, then "we'd" be in trouble. (He hardly ever said he would get into trouble, he always decided that his bad choices and my resistance to supporting them would end up in US getting in trouble instead of just him.)

This is the art of alcoholism. Cunning, baffling and powerful. It knows your buttons and it will push every single one of them until at last it gets what it wants... compliance. That way it can keep on doing what it wants without having to face up to the consequences.

I remember one day allowing the electric bill to go unpaid. It had been his responsibility to stay on top of it and pay it and instead he neglected it and ignored the past-due notices until the electric company came out to either collect or shut us down. On one such occasion, I was there when the electric company came. I grudgingly paid the bill because I told myself I wanted a hot shower and didn't want the food in our fridge to go bad. Of course what exAH learned then was he can just let it go and I'd pay it eventually.

Several months down the road, it happened again. HP was working for me that day - I was at work and HE was home trying to get some work done on his computer. I receive a panicked phone call from my exAH telling me they're going to turn off the electricity. What do "we" do? (There's that "we" thing again.) I told him I had to think about it and I'd call him back. My thinking was a phone call to my sponsor where not even five minutes into my phone call with her, he's beeping me on my other line.

My ultimate decision then was I was not going to pay it again. I'd have to deal with a cold shower and spoiled food. (My sponsor was wonderful and said I could use her shower if I needed, haha.) I call him back maybe a half hour later, prepared that we're not going to have any power. What happened... wow... exAH somehow magically pulled the money out of thin air to pay the bill himself. Go figure.

So, all in all, everything turned out okay. I didn't have to pay the bill and we still ended up with power. Whether exAH learned anything from that, I'll never know. I'd like to think so as I never heard of nor had another encounter with the electric company coming to shut off our power.

But I can tell you it was scary as hell for me to not "rescue" right away because I knew my exAH expected it. It was scary to tell him I'd have to think about it and call him back later. It was scary calling him back after and, yes, even painful listening to him berate me for not calling him back immediately.

Alcoholism isn't a kind and forgiving disease, after all. It's angry, fearful, nasty, greedy and manipulative when it wants its way.

That's where I had to practice being okay with someone NOT being okay with me.

Thanks for all the input everyone.

I did call the police. They went by to check on the house. Of course he wasn't there.

He says the key was under my flower pot the whole time and he was "at the library" all day.

I didn't bother telling him I called the police...but I feel good that I did since it means I stood up for myself.

I just wish he could disappear. He is the kind of person who is going to take a restraining order to keep away from me and I'm not sure even that will work. And I'm just not that strong. I just wish he could go away and get better away from me. If only there was a button to turn him off from my life

Your husb is very lucky his friends have not already turned him in to the police , we know that an practicing A will do what ever it takes to get what his disease needs but it is still unexceptable behavior ..  You have a right to protect your home , bank accounts any way you see fit , until we stop enabling nothing is going to change . He is only doing what works for him ,take care of you .  Just my opinion. Louise